after yesterday i feel like there can’t be much more to say. lol. the computer recovery is coming along well… my birthday party is also formally going to be at 6am on Wednesday at IHOP. mail me for real directions. heart heart. so much excitement. everyone is invited. baseball season starts tomorrow and the liberal talk radio station starts on my birthday. what a great week.
the silence is really just a ringing sound in my ear that i used to use your voice to drown. i use you to drown me. and i miss you a lot this week. i don’t know, why? maybe because i found your cd and figure you want your cd cos you told me i couldn’t keep it. phone call. silence. phone call. silence. phone call. message: i might keep it because you kept too much of me. and i love you in that sick twisted way that sometimes gets confused with a four letter word spelled l-o-v-e. i mean i f-u-c-k you. i guess you’ve got liquor and i’ve got you i’m sorry.
walking the streets of bangkok,
and tokyo, finding a soft bed&warm food
on the steps of rome,
dance around america.
she just stopped there
her sorrow changed to shame
for she had lit these streets:
for she had dreamt these dreams:
hear my heart? its breaking,
right here. right now.
she fled the scene with a whisper
saying, disgustedly,
next time, i’ll bring my friends.
they’ve gotta see this.
i only feel about this tall, and i’m sorry if that means that you can’t see me. perhaps, i feel that no one has ever seen me. there was this one girl, this one time, who knew me and even she couldn’t see that. so i feel about this tall, and i’m sorry i write so small. i just have a small voice and these words bring me down. i hope i make you eat these words i hope you swallow and you choke.
josh and i do declare the following to be bipartisan:
1. ostriches
2. pretzels (the hard kind)
3. astrology
4. british accents
5. everything british except politics in britain
6. pentagon briefings (not the content only the concept)
7. economic addresses (only the concept)
8. that we’re the only intelligent people in 6th hour. and 8th hour. really all the hours except 1st cos we’re both tired there.
9. globalization (kind of)
josh and i do declare the following to be bipartisan:
1. ostriches
2. pretzels (the hard kind)
3. astrology
4. british accents
5. everything british except politics in britain
6. pentagon briefings (not the content only the concept)
7. economic addresses (only the concept)
8. that we’re the only intelligent people in 6th hour. and 8th hour. really all the hours except 1st cos we’re both tired there.
9. globalization (kind of)
i typed this all out earlier and then it got erased … growl. i guess it wasn’t really the fault of the closer though. who would think that i’d be saving blogs for later. dammit. and hey there was a free linkup in the deal i guess. the disclaimer: this entry may be short and to the point. but i have no point and have never been short spoken in my life. lol.
my windshield wipers fucked up yesterday. which blew. i was driving home from work at like 10:30 and my wipers started to slow down before i got to the bridge and then they just quit and i couldn’t see cos of all of the rain. so i had to pull over at the first gas station right after the bridge. dad had shown me earlier in the day what fuse went where and where my extra ones were and so i knew how to fix it and i started sorting fuses but i didn’t have any 25s that were small enough for that slot so instead i had to just call dad. and get really wet because of all the rain and my open door etc etc. dad came and got me cos it was about 11 by then and he was just getting off work. we squeegeed my window and then i drove home in front of him and he watched me to make sure i didn’t drive off of any bridges. i don’t know what i’ll do without my dad next year. i thought about that the whole way home. i love him so much. and i’ll miss being able to call him when silly things happen.. like my windshield not working. i guess he really won’t be that far away though.
so my laptop decided to fuck up yesterday evening as well. right after the windshield incident i turned on my laptop in my bedroom and XP decided that it should quit giving me login options thus i was faced with just a blue screen (but as one other person who apparently had the same problem in the past said.. “not THE BLUE SCREEN”) that had the xp logo on it. so i called jarod in a fit and he was asleep and i could tell so i let him go and went to sleep, of course dreaming that the laptop worked.. so i woke up and the laptop was still broken, isn’t it always that way? and i headed to jarods for a little tech support. we installed xp pro over xp home and relaized the files were password protected so we had to mess raound on Knoppix (a cd-rom boot linux os). and then we decided that there had to be a better way. so we finally (after a day and two sessions of tries) got a wonderful email from this guy on the channels who had faced a similar problem explaining that SET can be used in the recovery console to unlock programs. but copying them still appears to be so much work its barely worth it. of course, my files are worth everything, aren’t they? lol. anyway the problem will soon be solved. and really the only reason i cared so much was because i’ve spent a year collecting those albums and i had 3.5 pages of a 10 page research paper on there. and i need those fucking pages. so i got those fixed by about 4:30 this afternoon. go me/jarod.
that seems to be all of my news for right now and thats actually just the stopping point on the last post (the last post was less the good news about it being fixed). but there was a huge-all-out-family-dinner. it was insane. we were there and there were 3 people that i don’t even know, even though it was my fucking birthday dinner, and it was just crazy. we ate at coyote canyon and now i’ll just list the craziness that happened.
1. on the way out we saw a rainbow. which turned into two rainbows. my mom and my aunt were like little kids “wow have you ever seen anything like that? that’s just amazing..” it was kind of cute. and made me less on edge wiht mom who i was not getting along with at all today.
2. as we pulled into the parking lot, my aunt asked who was smoking a cigarette that smelled like grass and mom said “prolly me” and i was like “oh no, that was mine. sorry. i’ll put it out” and my aunt was like “you can’t smoke it unless you share it.” wow. crazy hippie aunts rule.
3. when we got there there were 11 of us. and we were at a buffet but we still had a wait because there were 11 of us. crazy.
4. while we were waiting mom helped herself to some soup. which was also funny. but caused most of us to disown her.
5. my brother apparently overheard the dinner guests we didn’t know talking about the wild sex they ahd last night. and trust me no one wants to think about these people having wild sex.
6. the other dinner guest we didn’t know (daughter of those mentioned in step five) ate about every dessert imaginable. 3 cookies, brownie, cheesecake, ice cream with cherry sauce, and bread pudding. w0w. and that was JUST dessert.
7. that’s all. thank god.
i find you in the form of a little machine pressed against my mother’s ear in the kitchen. mom: cordial. me: assume its someone else. but when i hear the voice on the other end i know exactly who it is but do not yet realize the urgency of this message. i told you weeks ago, i feel like i can’t say anything to you because i don’t want to hurt you. and i meant: i hate knowing that i hurt you; i hate knowing that i still hurt you; i hate knowing that i exist. in a rush of words i tell you about everything that’s happened back when you and i == us. and you tell me everything too. suddenly, i understand that i couldn’t let you assume. that you could know me completely and yet not know me at all because you didn’t know the misery and the pain that i felt. why can’t we be normal and have a break up where blame can be placed to set the scales of balance? i think it over, twisting and turning the phrase around in my mouth and i suddenly realize the truth i suddenly believe in truth and i know that we’re not normal. i wouldn’t want that. but we’re getting somewhere. and maybe someday i’ll make it all up to you. between the two of us we’ve got to be abel to come up with someone who believes in maybe someday.
i’m reading words that belong to other people loudly when i look up and catch a veiw of myself in the mirror. i have grown up in this computer sitting much the same all my knees bent against this desk and my foot a little smashed, i suppose i was shorter the first time i sat here. i like to think that i was younger and stupider: only because it would infer that i am now older and smarter. but m y face isn’t the same. and when did i start looking eighteen? i remember being 14 and driving around on your birthday while you were in wichita and i was wondering about our first time, and what it mean that it was my first time and i was fourteen and now here i am. i just sit and i wait and i wonder for something to happen. but the mirror shows my face and these words are my mirror. i’m terrified. i’m constant. i’m not quite constistent. but i’m kind of looking forward to looking nineteen. i’ve always prefered odd numbers. and you and i were an odd number, am i right?
our eyes cross in a crowded room. your lips open to bring closure to a conversation and i notice you quickly exiting others just to get to me. dreams about you scare me awake. later, i’ll tell you: i knew it was a dream because you made time for me. later, i’ll tell you: you’re too quick and i can’t keep up so this won’t work out. but then i remember the last time i dreamt of you. far away on a bench just out of reach and crying with your mom who doesn’t know who you won’t tell who held you while you watched me with tears in your eyes and i couldn’t reach you and i couldn’t stop your tears i guess i never really could stop anyone’s tears. later, i’ll tell you: even if i could catch you i couldn’t stop you. maybe someday you’ll understand my love and let me go. until then i’m a bird who thinks its free before it hits the ceiling on the aviary. maybe i’ll get lucky and hit my head hard enough. later, i’ll tell you: you know this is all your fault.
