predatory meaningless

Jess on April 11, 2004

i could kill every goddamn child in my stomach
it would only leave a void in my uterus
a small hole filled with death and rotting fetus parts
instead of life and growing children
but there would be no void in my heart
like there was when i killed you.

i apologized in the beginning
don’t you remember how you cried after i kissed you for the first time?
then, don’t you understand how i feel?

i apologized in the beginning

i am the hunter
you are the deer

i’m so fucking sorry.

happy easter i think

Jess on April 11, 2004

i’m pretty nervous about easter today. its the first holiday since my uncle died. and the first holiday after a death is never a fun one. plus, it was only like a month ago that it happened. i don’t know. its so strange. i still haven’t really grieved about him. it hit me once and i got a little teary when we were driving in kansas city getting prom dresses but otherwise i’ve been in this daze and just ignored it.

i saw madeline on friday. we got chinese food and looked at tattoos and went to this great consignment store that i didn’t know existed.. then i just took her home. it was nice to see her again. i really wish we hung out more. i don’t see/talkto her enough.

i also saw thomas. becuse i went to manhattan to look at kstate again and try to get some of this college shit sorted out. i think i’m leaning toward KU or Washburn. but I don’t care so much about it at all anymore. shrug. I kind of want to sleep through all of college. arugh. i need to call KU and make an appointment with FinAid and woods to get my visit there going. and then i need to find out what dr. farley wants to do about meeting me at WU this week. growl. its just a pain in the ass.

have a nice easter.

she dies in the earth as well

Jess on April 9, 2004

lately all of my poetry (available at eat these words) is about abortion. and i’m not really sure what i’m attempting to do with it, its just what i feel like writing about. i think its based mostly on my feeling like i have been aborted or am about to be aborted and i have to justify it, i don’t know. i don’t know. its not that i’m pregnant. or that i could become pregnant. its just that its what i’m compelled to write about. the suffering and agony and beauty that i see is best expressed through poetry.. about abortion this time. i don’t know. perchance i’ll figure it out someday but until that day.

grass grows to cover dirt

Jess on April 8, 2004

i lay supine near you and i lie
when i glance, nervous looks at the sky,
the water ripples near my feet
and those cigarettes i’ll swear i didn’t smoke
let the smoke fly, let the ashes fall
and i’m coughing but not because of the pollution
or maybe it is pollution:
myunknownsondaughter, maybe you are pollution

i wish the earth would envelop me
;this baby in my belly
just suck us both into the tube of earth
put us back on the reincarnatory cycle
until this situation is reversed
i’ll soon be dying in your stomach
little man-woman-child,
you’ll be lying on the ground

maybe earthworms will seep out of the ground
tie me down here,
mother-child drawn and quartered
cigarette in hand
all the world to see, all the world to see

don’t earthworms only come out for rain?
rain that makes the earth, the ground, fertile
and what rained here
that will soon dry up
i’m sorry, baby-remained-angel, but
if you were here you’d understand
i just didn’t see it coming.

slam-wham-bam, you’re gone
but i am, too.

jfk golf clubs

Jess on April 7, 2004

so i’ve pretty much decided that i am going to attend kansas state university in the fall and major in political science and international relations with minors in French and Russian. after college i’ll probably join the peace corps for a while because the only real satisfation i find is in actually helping people. i don’t know why i don’t care anymore. and i don’t know what exactly changed.. but something did. and i just want to DO i’m tired of the learning how.

sexual politics

Jess on April 7, 2004

i found a quiet space to write a letter to you and all i could think about is all of the empy quiet space you’re trapped in and how i thought of this as rescuing you, i’m sorry.

concrete slab

Jess on April 4, 2004

its you and i alone on a flat surface sitting talking about the greyness watching the blue-blue sky mix with the brown-grey-green grass as the spring sun turns to a spring sunset; i’m a little sad. none of this seems to matter, which is why i haven’t cried yet, and i can’t quite cry over around you. i guess i’ll get over it (again). i guess it’ll be just fine (again). i like you outside the context of other people. you and i are neither you nor i. we are just alone.

its the way that he makes you fall in love

Jess on April 4, 2004

i did not qualify in lincoln-douglas debate to NFL. although, i do believe i won the round. I picked up the community judge and dropped raff and this guy that was an x-topeka high debater. i’m pretty sure the guy should’ve been struck from the room as he was too friendly with the neg in a really competitive situation. it’s really too bad. he said that i misinterpreted rousseau. which is completely untrue. and if it is true.. then she misinterprets him as well. because she’s running a slightly different variety of the same case. and i believe that my version is stronger than hers anyway because it upholds the equality of the individual and the community. i just think its shitty.. cos if she really felt i was misinterpreting rousseau, then she was doing it intentionally as well. and from what i’ve read of the social contract i was completely not misinterpreting him. fuck. i need to learn to lie more if i’m going to do well.

yesterday i took 3rd in IX at emporia. so i think that’s pretty good. and i’m going to prep hardcore for IX at IEs so that i can just qualify in that. and then, it doesn’t matter about who should’ve won what round at LD quals.

i feel like a failure :-/

eighteen

Jess on March 31, 2004

breathless, you wrote words to me and though you never said it i caught it so clearly: happy mother fucking birthday. all in one breath, just like that, because you couldn’t spare two last night. i realized that i don’t even think you remembered it would be my birthday soon. but do you remember how we spent it wandering around lawrence where we’d both be together only a year point five later and where we hid from my mother in dressing room stalls and i remember the first time you called. when i heard your voice. for the first time. or do you remember your prom? and how we didn’t go and we didn’t notice. how i kind of liked prom night when it was with you. do you remember any of that? or do i have to remind you. maybe you could tell me why i only remember all the dirty things i’ve done (even if they were three poems and 2 years ago) and i forget what was beautiful. you

truck

Jess on March 30, 2004

sometimes i drive by semi-trucks on the highway and remember that you’re not on this earth anymore; today was one of those days. i wish wish wish i could write about you and how beautiful you were just because you were here or if i could understand how glamourized you’ve became in my mind and understand why that’s such a good thing. i wish i could dream about you again and maybe this time tell you that i love you or at least that i’d cry if you weren’t alive. sometimes its just so beautiful here and i’m sad that you’re not here to see it; today was one of those days. lacey told me yeah, but its always beautiful where she is now. i guess i have to agree and hope that we’re right. i wish i could explain the world or how i feel but i can’t. sometimes i see that trophy and i have to smile; today was one of those days. that one was for you,