you call at weird times, when i’m expecting no one to know where i am or when i’m sleeping or when who knows. but suddenly. there you are. waiting on the line for me and i don’t answer because my phone doesn’t ring. but i get the message later and save it because i never hear your voice anymore and wonder if i’m doing anything right.
you chatter over the phone anxiously and i wait patiently on the front step where i have to shake, so cold, just to hear you speak. but as i listen to you voice and you use little words that make it sound okay dear, hun, sweetie i start to believe you just a little. but i have no idea what could make it all okay or what i’m doing talking to you again anyway. maybe this is some big mistake or maybe it isn’t.
we rush behind walls in open classrooms and we freeze there. did you ever notice how silent it gets when we’re alone? like perhaps we need him there to break the ice. (when the ice melts and the water evaporates; i’ll only have the storm to remember you.)
i read colby’s opendiary just now and it kind of weirds me out that i just really don’t have feelings for him anymore. i was reading about this girl he’s been seeing lately and how he saw the girl he dated most seriously before me and i don’t know, it just seems strange. because mostly i just want him to be happy. and so then i was thinking about it and i want this for most of the people i’ve dated in the past. like with brian and mb.. i just want him to be happy and she seems like a cool girl so i don’t really care that they’re together. despite everything that’s happened recently between he and i its more important that he’s with someone he wants to be with and if thats her then thats cool. and really i feel this way about all of my exes. except a few. but that’s understandable i guess. i’m just really glad i’m over most of my exes. it was a pain in the ass not to be.
dear heavenly father,
why do i begin
every prayer with that prhase
and end with amen?
if you were a friend
i’d greet you with a hey, whats up
end with a sly wave
and plans for tomorrow
or next week or never
and you get neither
if you were authority
excuse me sir & thank you
you get neither
you are a fantasy
i created
to help me deal with the world
you may love everyone
but you belong to me alone
my heart is
aching,
dripping poetry
in the morning
but its not really morning here
and its never really morning
anywhere, anymore
i’m not the little girl
i think i am
as i glamorize nebraska
quickly correcting myself
glamoUrize nebraska
like its some colourful country
when it may just be
a much needed change
sometimes i just drive
with no direction
or intentions
maybe omaha’s a good place to start
maybe i love you (and i must
because there is
no) maybe i don’t.
so the alternator went out on my car and that sucks pretty bad. but at least its not something a lot worse you know? and its gonna be about 350 and i only have about 280 to my name. so fuck fuck fuck. but my birthday is coming up. and maybe i’ll get some money then and i can probably take extra hours at work or something. i don’t really know. shrug. oh well. my spring break has been pretty good though. hella busy, i guess, but you know nothing too bad, other than the car has happened. and w00t w00t this makes it 1 year since i’ve wrecked. which gives me some leverage around the house. i hope. but i won’t really.
i made my female impowerment mixed tape. track listing coming soon.
also, for those who are hostees or whatever, i just deleted my entire website (one click gone terribly awry!) . and then i undeleted it. so if i fux0red your greymatter i’m sorry. but everything appears to work so i assume that will too.
maybe i need to get over her and thats what all of this is about. maybe i’m just realizing that what we had was good but it can never happen again. but i really don’t want that to be true. which may be why i’m not over her yet. i don’t know. i really thought i wasn’t walking out that door for the last time.
