Last night was the craziest night ever in Jess’s dream world. I’m convinced that it’s my subconscious that keeps me from being completely insane. Cos I just dream out all of the crazy things so I don’t have to think them while I’m awake.
Time for my meeting with dd. more later.
I’m creating art and listening to Wilco. How wonderful.
I had dinner tonight with my mom. I must say that i find it a tad bit odd that I have to go to dinner just to see someone who I share a residence with. Oh bother. I guess we just have really really different schedules, which sucks. but my schedule is really compatible with my life and really compatible with my dads. It’s nice to be able to park in the driveway cos i need to leave at or before the time that my dad leaves every day and it’s nice that we’re both getting up and around at the same time. It makes the house seem less lonely.
Mom and I ate at Red Lobster which was really fun. I hadn’t been there in a while. Only like once since Joe and I broke up. Or maybe a few more times than that but not more than 4 times at the absolute most. It’s delicious. And I had something new on the menu which was also nice. Dinner lasted about two hours. I’m glad that Mom and I can fill that much conversation and make fun of each other pretty well. I was telling her about my painting that I did the other night (the one with the terrible color composition… except i fixed that trauma last night and now it’s really beautiful) and she was like “when did you start painting? was that when you were at stormont west?” and i just shook my head and laughed and told her i hated her. and then she was like “no… i’m serious… you did crafts there!” lol. what a bitch.
the new art i’m creating is magnificent. it’s inspired by femininity. and it’s meant to be visceral. and vaginal. lol. it’s sort of based on paleolithic art (woman of willendoorf mixed with a cave painting) and also sort of based on my vulva. fucking awesome. have i mentioned to the world how much i love menstruating? i get all empowered. especially when it’s on the full moon. brilliant.
this reminds me of a conversation i had with dr. wynn about the danger of having a blog when yr applying to grad school. my trouble will not be my politics but instead my fascination with the menses. gasp.
oh yay! cara got a tuition waiver and assistanceship from florida state! yipyip!
I overslept for my doctors appointment today. Should have set two alarms. But whatever. I just called and rescheduled and since student health is first-come-first-serve anyway i don’t cramp their schedule at all.
Last night I painted. It turned out alright but I sort of hate the color composition. I mean, i guess it’s about my femaleness so the fractured f in red makes a lot of sense even if it does look like a fancy swastika. mrh. i don’t know. im undecided about it, but generally i’m undecided about my art until a few days later. maybe i’ll paint something else tonight? hard to say. i still have that 8×10 that i need to undo the damage on. it could be worth the acryllic paint to erase it and do something new. abstract self portraits in reds and browns. oh yes.
i’m going to salina this weekend. yipyip.
Until one day, instead of simply not seeing you, I saw you not there.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) You may be feeling battle weary today as you tire of your old familiar games. Your current temperament might prevent you from laying low as you once again join the front lines in social engagement. Even if you have obligations now, remember that you are being presented with an opportunity to begin an important healing process. Don’t distract yourself from the real work at hand.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) Unexpressed emotions can make you feel more vulnerable than usual, but you can’t see a way through the situation. You want to share your perspective, but you aren’t sure that what you say will help your case. Any isolation you are experiencing may be of your own creation. Give yourself permission to float without a solution for now. You don’t have to fix everything today.
Goodbye. And if you come to a day where you would like to fix things, let me know.
Oh gee golly I’m bad at posting here, it seems. Probably because I’ve been bad at posting anywhere the past week or so. I really hate it when school starts frown because I have to do all of this homework and crap. In reality, I need school to fill my time with something other than sporadic drug use and random plans with friends.
Steve left for France yesterday. I think I was probably his last call before he left the country because I called him right before he started to turn his phone off. Fun! It was nice to talk to him and say goodbye and all that. I have these really bizarre posts about him that maybe deserve a little explanation: He’s an exboyfriend. Things ended terribly and i always wanted our friendship back but we couldn’t really be on speaking terms for a really long time. Things ended in July of 2005 and we sort of attempted to rekindle things in November of 2005 but given that I was unsuccessful in my attempt to leave my boyfriend, it didn’t work out. Then from like December-June I was just half-sorta-hung-up-on-him. In June, I had a conversation with our mutual friend about how we really couldn’t date again cos it would be a silly idea. and then in August we had a long, drunken conversation at a mutual friends’ party. In December of this year, he started reappearing online and we had good conversations that weren’t awkward. He asked to hang out sometime and between the time that we actually did hang out, he broke up with the girl he’d been seeing since January. I guess that is insignificant except that I think it cuts down on the awkwardness, at least for me. So we started hanging out. But he left for France a few weeks after we started which is really too bad. Anyway. That’s the story.
Life is strange. and this debate tournament is strange. I’m in St. Louis for the weekend. and it’s just… i guess.. Interesting, to say the least. I mean, I hate St. Louis as it is… but further there’s just so much that is/has happened at this debate tournament. It’s strange. I’m having a really good time at the tournament though. And I think it wasn’t the worst tournament for me ever. That’s a pretty charged statement, I would say. I just mean that we got out in Parli and that was nice. We haven’t done that as a team yet. Though it’s also like… it’s Webster. So what the fuck does breaking mean.
I broke out in hives last night. For the 5th time in two weeks. Ugggh. I think my body just doesn’t know what to do for stress now that I’m on all my anti-crazy pills. Suckage. Though I’m also about 100 percent sure that it has to be stress related and not anything else because I was crazy stressed out last night. What the hell. So I went to sleep at about 4 and had to wake up just before 8 to pack and get out of the hotel so that rounds could start at 8:30 and i could be there for them. Dammit.
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Sunday afternoon I went to the mall with my brother to buy some things that we needed. He’d been wanting a winter coat since the day after Christmas, but he didn’t get one until yesterday because he’s so lazy. We went out to the mall and returned some things to old navy (mom’s christmas presents from me to be exact) and then bought the jacket (18 dollars! yay!) and got a gift for mom’s friend Paula who turns 50 in a few weeks. The gift was lingerie and so it made Devon all kinds of awkward to have to check out with me. I was awkward too but I mostly just found it hilarious. After the mall we had to drive around and figure out the least efficient way to go home. That was annoying, but it was really nice to get to talk to my brother about life.
After that, I went to mass with Joe and had an alright time. I still feel pretty empty as far as faith goes. I’m glad I’m making myself go back to mass though. I know that it’s important even when my faith is just academic that I go to mass so that the feeling has a chance to come back. I don’t know. It’s frustrating. and It was sort of frustrating because Joe kept making jokes about how long it had been since I was last in mass during the whole thing. wtf. seriously. i prayed that he’d be more sensitive. that didn’t work. they i just got frustrated and snappy. He finally got better about half-way through mass. and to be fair, you know… i’d been kinda bad.
We did dinner at the apartment then. I made scampi and had some beers. It was a nice dinner for the most part. And my bully wheat served beer style is always the best.
I’m dreading Webster. Seriously.
I do not want to go.
You know I’m feeling heart-broken when I’m listening to Ani’s Educated Guess because I feel like I need to, not just because it’s a good album. Meh. I guess that that’s life. And I guess the summary of that relationship was: you win some you lose some. I’ve been blogging mostly privately lately which I really sort of hate. I think I’m the kind of person who will make all those feelings public by the time they’re burried in the archive. It just seems silly to hide it. I’ve found that most of today I’ve been alright though. Despite the anxiety. I’m sort of sad. Sort of betrayed feeling. Sort of ready to move on. But mostly I’m just starting to try to feel alright again. I don’t have to supress my anger anymore, I can let go into it and then get past it and that’s probably the healthiest thing for me right now. And it’s nice to actually enjoy the singularity that I was aiming for when I broke up with Joe in the first place. Agh. (That’s a partial-lie that I’m telling myself to feel better right now). Man, I’m just really fucking all over the place about this. I guess that is the nature of heartache though. I notice that I’ve built a lot of walls. That I’m terrified to trust and even more afraid to love someone who isn’t myself again. I haven’t felt this way ever before that I can remember. Maybe with Colby, but that was really different. I was just really sad and heartbroken for the first time. I just want to push everyone away right now cos I’m scared of what hurt I could feel next. You really did a number on me, and in no time at all. I’m thinking an unsent letter might be the best way to deal with this. But we all know that my unsent letters always get sent. Always always. Maybe I should write an open letter. Open letters are the best anyway.
I wanna write a bunch of poetry. I like writing and reading poetry. So far today I’ve only managed to read two poems. One was by Hunter S. Thompson, it was alright. Hunter S. Thompson. You know. Writing poetry on a napkin in a diner, I’m sure. Writing poetry that makes you cringe a little as you read it outloud for the first time but by the end of it you shrug and say Well, that’s Hunter S. Thompson and move on to the next. Not bad. The other was by Tupac. Predicting his own death. Tupac is one of the major reasons that I started writing poetry. It’s nice to read him again.
I saw Stranger than Fiction for the second time with Steve and we hung out last night for a few hours as well. I think the movie was just as good the second time, but I totally have a crush on Dustin Hoffman in the movie in a sort of creepy way and so I have to factor that into my love of the movie. Plus, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Will Farrell and everyone… wonderful acting and I think the script is good. There are parts of it where I just get really caught up on the wording. Like the scene where Kay says “Like all things worth writing, it came inexplicably and without method.” I love it!
I’m also really glad that Steve and I are hanging out again, turns out I’ve missed him quite a bit. I was thinking during the movie about how long I’ve wanted to just be able to get along again and I’m glad we can do that now. It’s sad that he leaves for France in a week though… I keep thinking back to this conversation we had over one of our first dates about how in a few years he was going to study abroad in France for a semester and i remember being really sad at Paisanos that he’d be leaving because I had this really… loving… sense of “i’ll miss you” and I just sorta didn’t want him to go. and so much has happened in both of our lives (including the rise and fall of the most significant relationships of our lives to date) since that dinner and now we’re friends again and I’m sad he’s leaving again. How interesting life is. But in a good way. I’m so excited for him though. I think he’ll have a good time and I think it’d be fun to run into him in Europe in the summer maybe and nice to have the chance to really build a friendship when he gets back.
