Category: Journal

Well, I lied. I hope I feel good about myself now. Mostly, I don’t. Mostly… that conversation was one of the worst I’d ever had. I just kept thinking about my brother and how young he is and how much I care about all of his girlfriends that I’ve known for so long. And how the feminist-in-me’s first urge is to protect. So much for being radical.
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today was the first day of school and the one-year anniversary of mckeithan’s death. both went by pretty well. i had dinner tonight with katie and kandy to talk about mckeithan and stuff and so that we didn’t spend this day alone. man. what a weird thing to have him gone. but i think we’re all dealing with it alright. i don’t know. i’ve gotten over so many of the bad feelings. now it’s just the grief and the sadness that he’s gone. and a whole lot of happy memories for the time that i did have with him. i think sometimes i feel guilty that i don’t cry about him every day. because he meant that much. i think sometimes i still live in a hazy form of denial where i think that maybe if i go to the places where he usually is… then he will be there. but he isn’t. and really… it’s the times that i do go to those places that i do still breakdown and cry. kandy and i talked about maybe buying a memorial of some sort for him. maybe just a brick somewhere. “some place that we could go” since there isn’t really a grave to speak of at all… but certainly the only place to go is in NC where his ashes are. i don’t know. i think it would be nice if there was something to commemorate his life somewhere in town where i could go and sit and talk.

agh.

i miss him so incredibly much. it’s so hard to lose someone that you’re so incredibly close to. he meant so much to me and i just can’t believe that one day he was just gone. i really wish that he would’ve lived even just through that week so that i could’ve spent state with him. i wish i would’ve debated my freshman year… i wish i would’ve been around the squad more. dammit. i just wish that there was more time, you know. more time.

now i have dreams with him sometimes though. dreams where he gives me advice about whatever. it’s very mckeithan-esque advice you know. like “well… it sounds like you know what you’re doing…” and i know exactly what he means when he says that… it was nice to be able to talk to him like that in a dream. because i know that he’s there in those dreams. and that i’m still seeing him. and i’m still talking to him. i just have to do it in this other place now.

all my love, let’s be free.

ps. i still dont’ know what i’m going to do about this message i have to respond to. so far… nothing. maybe i’ll post my options privately and then deal with it there. oi. maybe i’ll just write pages and pages of poetry about it. and try to get it out of my system. i think in the end the best advice i’ve gotten has been from steve. but that’s not the advice i want to take. here here.

hey. psst. remember that time you went to bed on martin luther king day and never woke up again? hah. that was a good one. where are you? i need sent to the library, again.

oh man. who knew this day was gonna be this hard this early? i’m just not taking this very well at all. it’s 7 a.m. i haven’t really slept since my awkward and long nap from 5-midnight. and i don’t think i’m going to sleep at all today or tomorrow. i’m just… so… angry and scared and bitter and all of those things all over again.

i’m just going to watch buffy until i forget about it. call me.

You know as well as I do who we’re reading about,

I feel like I should say that perhaps I had more of a hand in making the decision than I let on. Decision by indecision. That’s the Jess way 🙁 I talked with my therapist about this some today which was good. I’m glad I can admit to my faults in a first meeting, or something. Maybe soon I’ll start trying to get rid of them. I mean, I do try to get rid of them.. but maybe.. you know I’m just so bad at it. I’m saying nothing in this update, aren’t i?

Today I am watching Buffy and I feel like crying. These episodes are really sad. Buffy and Angel say they love each other. Angel and Buffy mess around/have sex, i wasn’t paying enough attention to know.. then Angel is a jerk to Buffy. Agh. Xander/Cordi hook up. Willow finds out. Blah. I don’t know. It just makes me sad. Angel tries to kill Buffy’s friends. 🙁 Dammit. It’s buffy.