Category: Journal

I’m listening to this collection of Collin Meloy singing tracks which are like traditional songs or something. It’s very good. I like it a lot. Lately, I’m more into cover songs that originals… and I got the new Modest Mouse via scene leak and it’s just fucking awesome. I’m really impressed with it. My relationship with modest mouse has always been so complex… they weren’t really my style when i first heard them, but I liked the moon and antartica alright. Then, I bored of it quickly. So I didn’t really like Modest Mouse for quite a while. The version of Good News for People who Like Bad News that I had was also a scene version but it was downloaded by my exboyfriend, Jarod, who is one of the worst scene rippers ever. Actually, I think this wasnt’ his fault. The rip came from 107.7 the end playing the album live… it wasn’t like he just got weird versions and put them together like with Not a Pretty Girl by Ani. So anyway I didn’t really like that album because the bitrate was so bad and stuff. But as I heard the singles when they hit the radio, I liked them a whole lot. So I went ahead and downloaded this album. It’s pretty great. I respect that they’ve been on Kids Bop and still didn’t sell out with their next album. Kids Bop is so baller. You don’t even realize.

I’ve been having such a rough week. I’m just really depressed, I guess. The squad stuff and all of that. I’m supposed to write a couple letters about it sometime soon. Also, Joe was being mean a few minutes ago. I guess he has a right to be mean. But. Mrh. I don’t know. Part of me wants to try to move my appointment with my therapist up.. but I only have a couple days until I go there anyway… and I need to spend time researching tomorrow and I won’t do that if I go to the doctor. I don’t know. I’ll just try to work through this myself. I just don’t really feel okay right now, but I’m trying not to dwell on that.

I’m excited about my new relationship. I’m trying not to fall into my typical trap of hiding feelings in uncensored entries and not letting it be known how I feel and all of those things. He’s a great guy. I’m happy. I feel like I can talk to him about what’s bothering me and he’s just so vehemently on my side that it makes me feel a lot better before I go to sleep. He’s really good at cheering me up.

I worry. Because I know some people whose blogs are complete revelations of what they’re really thinking. I see in those the evidence that I could never have been what I wanted to be to them. But, you know, I’m not the one who has to deal with that anymore, and I feel better because of it. I guess the point of this paragraph was to say that I don’t want my blog to be that. Constant melancholy without revealing the good things I feel. Plus, I dwell on the things that make me sad all day and all night. I should at least be able to blog about things that make me happy.

I’m really worried about me. I feel like I lost my family. Like I communicate with those people in a weird dream. But I’m not alive in their waking anymore. That’s a mellodramatic way of looking at it. But fuck that. It’s how it seems. Awkward.

So the good news about all of this bullshit is that I just bought my Decemberists ticket. So while you’re all doing whatever it is you do… I’ll be drinking Boulevard Wheat and nursing a crush on Collin Malloy that is unparalleled.

Well, the weekend is almost over and the most I have to show… other than some fancy foreign bottle caps for my necklace-making collection… is a phone with no backlight. Oh, and stories of what has turned out to be one of the best weekends ever. I was even impressed with Jack’s Mannequin live. and Kyle’s friends in carbondale are pretty worthwhile, though, I’d like to state for the record that after drinking with frat boys last night… I have again lost respect for the males of our species. I mean, really. Sometimes it’s hard to say if the majority of them are bad or not. And I don’t know what it was about me that was able to get around “mixed company” rules. But it really freaks me out to be in situations where I am obviously being treated like “just one of the guys.” Typical. Luckily, I was drunk enough to make fun of the kid who paid for sex 5 times in Germany. And then went off about how it’s just the prostitutes job to give him a half hour of sex if that’s all she says she’s willing to pay for. And that I think it’s ridiculous he can’t just have sex like a normal person. And I guess i was just really pissed that it’s somehow okay to treat prostitutes that way. Then I was thinking about how even in countries where prostitution is legal, a lot of the women will be trafficked and not understand that they have the legal right to leave. So after Kyle calmed me down once (I was a very good girl!) I was about to get all riled up again. Luckily, Kyle stepped in with this lovely bit of information… as verified by his viewing of Real Sports which is legit because it’s hosted by Bryant Gumble. So then I got to think about how this tool-of-a-boy was more-than-likely a rapist. I hope he sleeps well at night.

For that matter. He’s a pretentious mac user.

We’re headed to the terrible, wretched place of St. Louis for the night. I hate St. Louis. The worst part about the concert was everytime andrew mcmahon identified the crowd i was in as “st. louis.” I am not St. Louis.

Country mile by Camera Obscura:
Silver Birch against a Swedish sky
The singer in the band made me want to cry
We?re all inside our own heads now
We are leaving new friends
We are leaving this town
I wish you could be here with me
I would show you off like a trophy
The road it winds, it twists, it turns, now my stomach burns

Once again I?ll be the foolish one
Thinking a blink of these lashes would make you come
Don?t you worry, don?t get in a state
I don?t believe in true love anyway
Who?s being pessimistic now
I could document this as our first and our last row
The more you look forlorn, the more to you I warm

I won?t be seeing you for a long while
I hope it?s not as long as a country mile
I feel lost

I guess I could try to explain myself… but really, I can’t. I think that life is sort of bizarre sometimes. Sometimes I just get upset. I get tired of people telling me that I am a whore and treating me accordingly. I just needed to get out of town. I think I had two options… one was a depressive episode and the other was manic and I went with the second. I’m not sure I still feel that way. I mean, of course there are a lot of things I’d like to say… but I can’t right now. I don’t think I have the words. I just have a whole lot of… Agh.

it is not what you think. I think it’s weird that Tyler got into a relationship with Jennae like 1 minute after he text messaged me. Hah. How brilliant. Also, I think it’s interesting that Joe apparently no longer things Jennae an idiot for being with Tyler. Or something. At the very least he congratulated Tyler. And i want the record to show that I did not drive to St. Louis to have sex with random guys. Dammit.

I am angry at everyone who has ever called me a whore.
Including my own mother as of this morning.
Add that word to the list with tramp and faggot.
If I hear it again…

Oh it’s been such a busy week/weekend. Saturday night I went to Salina to see Benjamin (and Clayton). I had a really good time. although 3.2 beer is frustrating for the same reasons as wedding keg beer. And I didn’t get drunk just wishing-i-was-drunk on it all. Watching ies was sort of bizarre. Given that I haven’t really watched IEs in forever… but they’re IEs and they’re weird. and it’s weird that people do them in college (even though i used to be one of those people). Agh. Seeing Clayton was really nice too. We spent the whole time bitching about the unreasonable requests people have when you work on their website for them even for free. It was dorky. But I’ve missed Clayton a bunch so I’m glad I made it into town.

On the way home I stopped by Manhattan to see Janelle. We made bracelets! I’m so excited! I’ve wanted to learn to macrame jewelry for years and I’ve never known anyone who could teach me. It turns out it’s so fun and easy. I love it! And my bracelet is really pretty… it’s blue with blue and white beads on it. (Colts colors. We were watching the superbowl. Though I did not notice the color coincidence until the next day). so we made bracelets and then matching earings for me and it was awesome. Now it’s only 3 days later and i’ve already bought a whole huge thing so that I can make jewelry too. Yipyip! and we went to this thai place that was just effing delicious.

Since then life has been hectic. Monday I went to Columbia for a Camera Obscura show with Emily. That was mostly awesome. I like Camera Obscura a lot and the opening band was good too. I may be wooed by pretty girls on stage with cute haircuts… but I like their studio stuff now that I have it so I think Pony Up is worth it. Dammit. I’m glad I went. And we got to dance dance dance which is my favorite part about going to shows with mle. cos it sucks not to dance. but sometimes it sucks more to dance and have no one dance with you. But when we’re together.. we dance. Awesome. The afterparty which consisted of getting drunk with Jeremy was fun too. I really wish debate tournaments were just university funded parties with kids who also did debate. And that programs with non-tooly kids got better funding. Figures.

The drive there and home was also a good part. It was a lot of thinking and enjoying the beautiful day and wondering about things. Mle’s cd player is broken as in doesn’t play any sound at all… so we got to just talk. and she got to play mario kart and curse about it. Lol. I just like driving her car. And I like the open road.

Lots of thought are going on in my head. Like… should I go to Europe. And should I go to NPDA. And should I go to Africa next semester or the year after? Oh my. So many little thoughts and I’m you know. Eek. Who knows. I’m gonna decide about all of it based on my performance at USAFA. Hopefully LD goes like Ohio and NPDA goes like Webster. Then it’ll be a done deal.

fuck all of this. i’m drunk. i meant to say some nice stuff. about something but i don’t remember any of that now. so here’s what i do remember: emily’s w key is fucked up. i’m drunk. i like dos equis a lot. even amber. which is weird cos the word cerveza is like an automatic turnoff. but it’s great. amber. i bet lager is better. dammit.

i like cigarettes more when i’m drunk. it’s beautiful.

i have a crush on michael j. fox becuase i loved homeward bound as a child. this is weirder than daddy issues. i’m serious.