Category: Journal

I had “Slide” by Ani stuck in my head all morning because I was riding my bike to class in the dew of just before 9 am and I tried to hit my breaks (which are terrible) and considered how I’d slide.

I really love that song. Slash, I really love ani. I should probably listen to evolve more. and her concert tickets are on sale tomorrow. Whee!

Classes have been alright. Though I’m still trying somewhat successfully to overcome this burdening depression. Leadership has been better than I expected and now Dave is in it so that’s exciting because I was kind of relying on him to be my reason to attend. Hopefully it works out. It sounds like the LI is being much better for him too, so that is really fantastic news.

I don’t feel very comfortable to update right now. Maybe I’ll do a better job later? Or maybe this is enough.

Sometimes, I resent being crazy. Other times, It’s kind of okay. Right now is one of those times. I’ve been really depressed with school starting. All of the looking forward to it in the world just couldn’t overcome the actual anxiety of being inside of a classroom and dealing with being in the second-half of my undergraduate education. Fortunately, education is unending if you schedule it right… and that’s just what I’m doing. I’ll be a perpetual student of others and then a student of myself, and that sounds just fine.

Class, overrall, is pretty entertaining. I think I really like all my classes, even the ones I was slightly apprehensive about in the beginning were okay in their second taste. This refers to leadership which for some reason (I guess I am capable of explaining the reason) focused on Chaos Theory today. Chaos fucking theory. Awesome. It was great. And I realized I’m a weird section of the Liberal Arts (or even scientific arts coming out of WU) Sector that really loves String theory. I think I should contact the Santa Fe Institute about scholarships to study Chaos Theory in History. What a stellar scholarship.

I’m also going to apply to be the keynote speaker at WUSAC this year, because the opportunity is there. If I win, it pays well, which is nice too. But I’m fine with going without the scholarship. It’ll be fine.

I just got back from KCMo. I am happy to say that I won’t be returning until October at the earliest. I mean, I like/love Kansas City just fine, but I’m tired of driving. And I’m tired of sleeping on couches. Plus, it’d be fun to have my KC friends to Topeka more often. I can do things here (like cook sushi) that I can’t do as easily there. It was also a really fantastic overnight in KC, so I can’t really regret anything about it.

In what TV Guide would call Late Thursday/Friday, I terrified my mom by passing out at Mle’s without letting her know where I would be. Oops. This is the horror of 100 proof alcohol — I forget exactly what the implications of my drinking it are. So I’m sticking with Hot Damn without jumping to Hot Damn 100. And even then, I am staying away from that for a while as well. So I wake up at 10 to a panicked mom who doesn’t know where to find her daughter and is convinced I’m having car trouble again. Yikes. I felt really bad about it. She called and woke up Joe at around 7 too…. so he was worried. And they tried to call Brandon who tried Jotto and everyone was pretty worried. Jotto got around to making sure I was alive at about 1 p.m. That’s what I like most about Jotto. No sense worrying unless there is a chance the funeral will be that day. And Jotto knows I can take care of myself. I suppose. Not that other people doubt this superhero-like ability of mine.

After waking up (luckily just on time!) I drove home and got ready to go to KC. I had time to take my hair out of it’s awesome little braids, but I didn’t have time to wash it after that. I considered this to be an unfortunate side effect of the results of my evening and just let it go. I showed up in KC just on time and Joe and I ended up eating at McCormick and Schmitts where the service was terrible and the Gazpacho left too much to be desired. It has me hungry for real gazpacho (decent tasting that is) now though. Hopefully I’ll get on that and make me some delicious gazpacho.

I hung out with Roger during the afternoon after going shopping on the plaza. (I renewed my AppleCare!) Roger and I went to Hobby Lobby so I could make a snake suit. Roger’s family has to think I’m crazy (they are correct, I admit) because I always make weird projects when I’m at their house. Last time, it was wrapping a hose/american flag using two gift bags and some tissue paper. This time, it was creating a full-body snake costume. It was fantastic!

Roger and I met Joe at his office. Joe gets weird when we go into the Polsinelli building because we’re so likely to cause a scene. SO LIKELY. This time, we wanted to wait till Security asked what we were up to and then we were going to respond “WE DON’T HAVE AN APPOINTMENT!” and run for the elevator where we would go upstairs. It was gonna be awesome. But, alas, we forgot our guns so we just waited in the lobby till we got tired of standing and then we sat in the entryway (The pre-lobby, if you will, and we won’t.). We realized then that you’re not even allowed to bring guns into the Polsinelli building and discussed better ways to advertise that. Roger suggested a sign that said “NO Second Ammendment Rights” or perhaps a picture of a piece of paper that said “2nd Ammendment” on it and then a big circle with a slash through it. Like how they do no smoking. My favorite one that I thought up was a huge rug in the entryway that read: “Please leave yr second ammendment rights at the door.” Wouldn’t that be great? I also said that if buildings are going to unreasonably request that I leave my gun outside the building, they should provide a gun check. The biggest problem with this, obviously, would be staffing it. And how weird the guns people may hide on their person could be. It could make for an awkward situation involving a gun.

“Yeah, this shotgun is sawed off. It fits better in my tote bag that way. What of it?” Then BAM BAM BAM. Awesome.

When we had collected Joe, we went and gave some cake/pie to these transient teenagers because one of them had a Chelsea and oh-my-my there’s nothing hotter than a 19-year-old vagrant asking for your pie outside of the plaza B&N. Except maybe Natalie Portman. With the same haircut. We also went and ate sushi (tom, roger, joe and I). It was good but they were out of Tamago and I was very sad about that. Very. Very. Sad.

Then, we saw Snakes on a Plane. (this was where my snake costume came into the picture). It was the best movie I’ve ever seen. We snuck cheap alcohol into the Parkway theater in Sonic cups. I wanted to get Mad Dog (as was evident by my ceaseless yelling of “MAD DOG!” from the backseat with Tom) but we were disturbed to find that the HyVee liquor store does not keep Mad Dog chilled. So I opted for a PBR instead. This alcohol may have contributed to the movies succes. Although, we were so excited about the movie I don’t know if anything could’ve ruined it. Aside from perhaps the movie taking itself more seriously than we did. Before the movie… I kept yelling “beat that pussy up!” from that Ying Yang girls sign. And Joe pushed me down Suicide Hill in my snake suit. It was awesome. The best time of life. The good part about the movie also was that everyone in the theater felt the same way as we did about the movie. We laughed together. We cheered together. It was amazing movie bonding.

I’m pretty excited about school starting. In my own way.

I paid to renew my website so I suppose I should start blogging again. There for awhile, I didn’t know if I was going to actually renew it or if my services would expire before I had the money to pay for it. That’s kind of a shitty place to be, and I’m glad that it all worked out because I’d be so sad if I didn’t have chaostasis.net to kick around and play with and archive all of my writing for the past few years. I love it in this way that I recognize it as something that just simply ties me to my past. And it’s such an evolution. I think I should still attempt to get all of my old entries moved onto this. And maybe that’s an option? Perhaps it’s a project I could start at the Cap-J now that I have a jump drive and they have Microsoft Word. I should get going on that tonight. It would be nice to have all of my blog printable, or perhaps publishable.

I’m glad I’m blogging again because I actually have a lot to say. I’ve thought a lot about family and friendships in the past few days and I think this week, overrall has been a really positive one for me to live through, even though it has been pretty trying.

My brother apparently quit his job this week. The way he went about doing it was pretty terrible and irresponsible and my part in uncovering this has slammed me in the middle of it. Not that I wouldn’t be in the middle of it anyway, but I guess I feel more attached to the situation. So he’s been working at the pool all summer and started out really liking it and then he stopped. Probably somewhere around the point where he realized he’s spent the bulk of the good skating hours of the summer at the pool, in the heat, with not enough days off, he took a week off. And then as of this sunday, he quit showing up. So my dad is leaving for Seattle yesterday and he wants me to take some pictures of Devon at the pool to show his brother. Mom calls Devon on Monday and says I’m going to come up. Immediately, I get a call from Devon saying that he wasn’t scheduled that day and that I shouldn’t come. So I stay home and tell him that I’m going to go the next day. So I go on Tuesday and get there and he’s not there. I talk to Bret and he tells me that Devon just hasn’t shown up in the last few days. This puts me in a really terrible position because I either go home and don’t tell my parents about it and then I get yelled at for not taking the pictures of I go home and do tell my parents and then all hell breaks loose. I’m basically stuck with the last choice so I go home and tell mom who of course flips out. And Devon has to come home from wherever he is and then Dad gets home and they just yell at him a whole lot and end up saying some things which they just outright shouldn’t have said. And I end up yelling at my parents, trying to convince them that they can’t just say these things.

Basically, in the entire conversation, I am the only one who behaves like an adult. And I don’t know what to do. Inside, I turn into a child, basically, because I don’t handle this hostility at home very well and it really returns me to that 5th grade feeling where my dad was leaving and there was a lot of fighting all around me. In so many ways, it’s like that point was just it for me in handling fighting, probably cos it hardly ever happens. My next real memory of it is when mom flipped out (all those times) about my having a girlfriend. And I don’t know what to do. It’s this feeling that just fills all of me and it’s nervous and i get anxious and I don’t know how to release all of the tension. So I cry on my way to work and I get there and I’m late and distraught and ohmymy. It all turned out mostly okay for everyone but my brother though. He’s in a whole lot of trouble. alotalotalot. And that car he’s been driving is no longer considered “his car.” I mean, I’m sure he’ll get it back eventually but until then he’s getting driven to school by mom and dad.

I took Dad to the airport yesterday which was nice. I really like driving in the morning, especially highway driving, and it’s nice to talk to dad. We have such a necessity-only relationship and I know that he loves me, but sometimes I wish we were more talkative with each other. I crave those heart-to-hearts we seem to get so few of.

I’ve also thought a lot about friendships after a conversation about shallow friendships. One of my friends was talking about how a mutual friend of ours only has really shallow friendships. I’m not sure that this is actually the case, and I know there is some deserved bitterness there, but I’m still friends with the other person. And I was thinking about it and realized that I think shallow friendships are okay. I tend to be the kind of person to put everyone else in front of me anyway, whether you are a friend or not. But that outright opening up on really serious personal issues that requires a lot of trust building isn’t necessary, I think. I have a lot of friends that fall into that category, and I hope that they wouldn’t hesitate to open up if they needed to talk, but I think it’s okay that our friendship is built on common interest and good times more than an ability to share advice. I also was realizing that I have a lot more deep friendships than I realized. And I like being able to open up with the people I do trust.

I’m addicted to Flixster.com, in my own way.

I celebrated 1 year with Joe on Monday. We had a fantastic date. He brought me roses, and I dressed all pretty, and we went to Kikus (where he asked me out) which was nice because we were sat at a table (in the same places as last year, actually) with this pretty cute little kid who kept chattering about things his brothers had let him watch on tv or movies that his mom was none-to-happy about him sharing with these non-family members. We also saw A Scanner Darkly. Oh my my, it was fantastic.

Deep down, I think I really prefer my legs shaved. It’s a conundrum because I love my leg hair a lot too. The idiom should be, “You can’t play with yr leg hair and shave it too.” I guess you could. But you get the point. This doesn’t mean I’m shaving more regularly than every Friday when I feel like it or anything. I just thought I’d make the statement.

I also kinda sorta like listening to Panic! At the Disco. Joe says it’s due to Kyle liking it. I think it’s because I just really wanna dance to it.

Nate yelled at me for not blogging in over a week today and i realized that he is definitely right and I have gotten terrible at blogging. I don’t really know why other than life feels pretty boring and mundane right now and full of the beginning of things which i am mostly dreading. A few weeks ago I was really excited about starting classes but that’s mostly changed now. I’m sure I am still excited about the classes, but I like filling my day with things that i think are fun on the fly and not having to worry about doing other things which are more boring. Oh ugh.

I heard from janelle today. She’s going to have people over on the 12th and so i’m going to go that after the AIDs benefit, I think. I’m excited.

I went to CoMo to see Kyle and the Jewell kids earlier this week. On wednesday in fact. It was a blast. Spencer made it up from Drury, Lilia, Phil and Luke, Kyle, Banks, Poppa and some other people were there. I was just sad we couldn’t stay longer but Joe had to work Thursday morning and who was I to insist for long periods of time that we stay out. i let Poppa do all that. Luckily, Banks was really understanding cos he had crazy parents too. And Banks finished the bar. So hopefully he’ll do really well on it, cos it sounds like a test you don’t want to take twice. Wow.

Awh, it’s been too long since I’ve blogged again, hasn’t it. Well so much has happened, sort of. I made a lot of jewelry. For now, i’m just going to increase my collection of things that I am making and then I’ll probably post them at some point. and I may start listing them on facebook before they’re available for sale. Who knows.

Joe was in town this weekend for Jackie and Ryan’s wedding. Jackie was really beautiful (and so was Ryan, lol). And Joe and I had a much needed talk about the direction of us. It was good but lead itself to much less sleep than I needed.

i’m not taking the job at elections. no matter how long i thought i was going to… it just won’t work with the schedule of my new job in the school year. and i’d gotten too devastatingly bad migraines in the past week. those HAVE to be stress related. I just went to the eye doctor about a month ago and he told me that they were just stress related because it wasn’t my eyes that were doing it to me. and that they came up when i was going to go back to this job that i hate and work it along with two other jobs school and forensics in the fall. there is no way i would have survived that. so after a lot of talks with people i’ve decided just to be honest that i won’t survive it. and it means i don’t have to go back to elections which is some of the best news ever.

today i might go clean up the apartment. the bedroom is still a wreck. but who knows. i really need to rearrange furniture and buy curtains and nice things. so we’ll see.

i’m also going to do lunch with tonya. i hope. if she calls me.

last night i watched harry potter 4 with david and james. we got chinese food that was really delicious and the movie was pretty fantastic. it was fun. their place is pretty clean now too. i mean, relatively.. but that’s still a whole lot of pretty intensive cleaning. i was impressed.

i guess it’s pretty obvious that i’ve gotten bad at blogging again because so much has happened and it hasn’t even occurred to me to mention it. ugh. happy july 4th, by the way. the only thing i know about this holiday is that it is unceasingly good to me. and i have really good feelings about today. i’m dressed all cute, i plan on borrowing a cute belt from mandy when she gets home, we’re going to katie and chuck’s loft and i didn’t even forget to bring a sweater for when it gets cool tonight cos it’s all raining. heroic? of course.

all you really need to know about the wedding is: i was drinking, i’m competitive, i caught the bouquet.

in other news this week, i’ve decided to take a job with the elections office again. it’ll keep me really busy which is good because i’ve felt pretty worthless and i can’t so much complain about 8.50 an hour. i don’t know how this will effect my current living situation, though. home is so far away from work these days. and with all the unpredictable overtime, it should be pretty crazy anyway trying to get home before work. i’ll prolly just try to hang out with brandon a whole lot. and maybe spend some time cleaning the apartment. just doing what i can there.

this has been a pretty busy week/weekend. i went to kcmo from last friday until early-early tuesday. it was a really good time. i had lunch with hesch on the plaza at buca di beppo. yummy. i really love their eggplant parmesan. if only i could learn to slice eggplant so thin and bread it so deliciously. awesome.

i called roger after that and went to his place so we could go to target where we picked up awkward gift combinations for the wedding couple of the weekend. joe’s mom had suggested an american flag and it just so happened that they had one on the list so we bought one of those and then a garden hose which was also on their registry. sweet stuff.

we went to steak and shake where we discovered the magnificence of the new bits n pieces milk shake. the advertising for the BNP milk shake is ridiculous. First, in its new regular menu spot it says that the milk shake includes Bits (and Pieces) of favorite candies. WTF. Then they brag on the roger’s placemat that they hand-dip them by hand. My placemat, however, confesses that they hand-dip them but actually they use a scoop. Roger and I pondered throwing a fit because we could tell it was scooped and not actually done with hands in the ice cream. Because you actually can taste the difference. They also have a bunch of random things on the placemats meant to advertise the milkshakes but all of it is completely bizarre. The ad guy was probably being fired during this and just went all out with terribleness so that someday he can get hired at a mcddonalds to design the graphics that become those big sheets they stick on the windows. what a clever career move. speaking of people who probably need to consider career moves, our waitress hated us. HATED US. MORE THAN ANYTHING, I BET. She had to pick up our table and she was really bitter about it. We both got the vibe that she wanted to knife us as we were ordering. I was pretty relieved that it wasn’t just me. Because I was convinced she wanted to kill me but if she hated us both equally it was probably roger’s fault or she was just in a bad mood. scary. i couldn’t figure out how i was ordering not to her liking. I mean all I wanted was a milkshake and a coke. freakwoman.

We also visited the kemper which was fun cos we got to see art by that Wyeth guy and it was all studies of this dancer and he was crazy and just followed him around and drew and drew and drew. it was semi-erotic. and then we found a picture of the dancer guy painted as a clown because wyeth was a toy collector and got this toy of a clown on a moon and the clown moved his head when you put a quarter in so obviously wyeth thought “Man i really like to draw this dancer.” and drew him as the clown. Creepy. There was also art there called Honky Spaceship which was this way pimped ride playing ice-t music. i wrote COP KILLA all big in the comment book at Roger’s suggestion. Then I bought some post cards of babies to hang up as Joe, Brandon and I. Prolly on or near the grandparents wall.

Roger and I assumed Joe would be showing up soon so we went back to roger’s house. it was about 6:30 or so and the rehearsal/dinner started at 4:30 so why would it take much longer? we hung out there and i met all the losey’s and then we decided to go ahead and leave for food. we went to westport and i had the most delicious papa keno’s pizza that joe finally called druing the order of (at around 9). i had pesto and extra cheese and garlic pizza. yum yum yum.

when we met joe we did basically nothing. We just drove to THE CITY by which i meant north kansas city with the top down. hawt!

the wedding was really pretty and i caught the bouquet at the reception because i was sorta drunk and really competitive. so i was walking around my boyfriend’s family with the bouquet getting all kinds of questions about the date and stuff. brandon has told me that the bouquet is always right as he caught it once when he was young just to fuck things up at whatever wedding he was at. haha.

the family reunion was also really sweet. it was nice cos i got to actually spend some time with joe and stuff. we had a good talk with his uncle chuck about things catholic and otherwise. i really like chuck a whole lot. just as far as people go. not only in joe’s family which rocks.

i’m listening to emo and being all bummed. this is all the blogging i’m willing to do right now. i’ll get to the ryla reunion fest later.