Category: Journal

wow, i slept 10 hours last night. it was fucking amazing. and the yankees won! w00t.

find yrs here

1.? Neo-Pagan (100%)
2.? Unitarian Universalism (92%)
3.? Mahayana Buddhism (86%)
4.? Liberal Quakers (83%)
5.? New Age (82%)
6.? Jainism (80%)
7.? Hinduism (75%)
8.? Theravada Buddhism (73%)
9.? Reform Judaism (72%) 1.? Neo-Pagan (100%)
10.? New Thought (67%)
11.? Mainline – Liberal Christian Protestants (63%)
12.? Sikhism (58%)
13.? Secular Humanism (58%)
14.? Scientology (56%)
15.? Orthodox Quaker (55%)
16.? Bahá’í Faith (55%)
17.? Taoism (54%)
18.? Orthodox Judaism (52%)
19.? Islam (45%)
20.? Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (44%)
21.? Non-theist (36%)
22.? Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (26%)
23.? Seventh Day Adventist (25%)
24.? Mainline – Conservative Christian Protestant (25%)
25.? Eastern Orthodox (17%)
26.? Roman Catholic (17%)
27.? Jehovah’s Witness (16%)

so that’s pretty interesting.

funny, she always thought i would be the one who turned out straight.

today i kinda fought at nate. because sometimes i feel like he feels he needs to explain things to me again and again. which is so sucks. (ahh. i miss tatyana). anyway. so i guess it caught him off guard. but it was all things that needed to be said. because it was to the point where i just felt like a stupid little kid around him and so i’d just try not to be around him.

in other news: i must report that i slept in a fort last night. lol. i was at lacey’s so that she could take care of me and i could drink up my juice and jason came over too and brady was there and we were all watching office space and talking while my medicine kicked in (and made me goofy). and j was like “i wanna build a fort” so he did. and then we all slept under it. lol.

i dream that aaron tried to drive me over in an oldsmobile. i was just like “wtf, mate, it was 3 years ago. get over it.”

je te deteste parce que je ne me vois pas quand je te lis. tu as ete ma facade, mais maintenant je n’a pas un reflexion.

warning: personal yesterday i felt all weird and couldn’t really tell what was going on with myself. i just knew that it burned whenever i attempted to urinate and that it would start and then suddenly my body would just like completely shutdown. and no peeing would happen. anyway. i thought that maybe i just got some soap in my urethra or something and it would clear itself out and i’d feel better. but then i just kept feeling so weird. i was wandering around campus with j before he went to his 7 o’clock and when i dropped him off at the door i went and found a bathroom. there, it occurred to me that there was an awful lot more blood then there had been the other times. and it still burned. and i still couldn’t go. so i went to work and tried to go again and deducted that the blood was in my urine (i thought before then that i’d maybe torn some vaginal tissue or something..) so i freaked out and told them i couldn’t stay and i went to the emergency room. they diagnosed me really quickly with a UTI and gave me some meds and stuff. it was so. argh. i hate the emergency room. but really i just hate this. yuck!

she made me fall for her twice. hard. and she could totally do it again. because she's just so beautiful that i'd let her break my heart just because she'd have to touch it to do it.

i only write to remind myself i'm capable of feeling: last night you reminded me.

it’s rock paper scissors as to whether
i will get over you at all
it’s hand against hand and both hands are mine
it’s standing in a circular line
which is not to say that i’m not also happy
a happy meal with a surprise inside
surprise surprise here’s another bright light in your eyes
exposing all the stuff you’re not calculating enough to hide
this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation
i never thought i’d see the day when i would say i give up
and break the stallions of my wildest expectations
i do not want to know you this way
surrounded by so much pain
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way
like a bird into the sky of my brain?
i think i could accept all these dark colors
as just part of some bigger color scheme
if it wasn’t for that drippy string quartet of sadness
underscoring each smiling scene
desire drags me right out of myself
a gas-soaked rope tied to a piece of coal
and i’m getting pretty good at looking at the bright side
while the flames rip along the sand and swallow me whole

i’m not the kind of girl that posts lyrics in her blog often. sure i sample titles. sure i think lyrics are the pulp that makes the world go round. but this is how i feel. and i love ani for giving me something when i thought every song already belonged to her in such a completely happy way. i think this might help me get through all of this mess. because i do really miss her. and i miss knowing what we had. instead of this guessing-waiting game.

the wind's howl
is violent, like
the fervent scratches
of hungry dogs
on the back porch,
bringing rain
that drips until it splashes
through a leaky roof
where it floods the carpet.
the water patterns itself
to look like a stain
from a crime scene cleaned
years ago,
but no buckets
are sought
because in a pool
of water
there exists
a reflection.