Category: Journal

i spoke with mom about my attending therapy and she said that she didn’t see there being a problem with that.

i’m listening to bright eyes and loving it.

i don’t really know how much i have to blog about right now. i just feel like i probably should blog. um. lets see… i got a B on that government test 87. i’m not going to pretend that i’m happy about it because I’m not. a lot of his reasoning was incredibly arbitrary and i don’t really understand how he can claim that some of my answers are too vague. wtf. oh well. i generally like freeman a lot so i’m sure i can talk it out with him in a few days. he’s making us discuss the tests with him sometime next weekend and my appt is for 3:45 on Tuesday.

Tomorrow I’m going to NHJH to talk about why its important for kids to be politically involved. I hope someone has some sort of publicity on yrs truly so that i can show them and maybe they’ll pay attention to me. lol. although i guess they really think that kids should be involved and they’re tired of being seen through a negative light.

I found really disgustingly moldy orange juice on top of the microwave today. w00ps. remind me to tell my roommate i was doing an experiment. lol 🙂 i think she’s been getting on my computer (not so :)) cos yesterday i was on smash static at work and it said that iw as logged in so i had nate check my other accounts, which he did, and said that they were all logged in also. this would not be strange except that the computer was off or at least in standby when i left. fuckin fuck. so i guess i’m gonna have to apply a password and just hope it all works out.

yesterday j and i went to the park and sat in the rose garden and talked about my uncle. i don’t know how his seemingly random mentioning of a box car racer lyric lead to me pouring out the story of uncle don and how hard that was but that’s what happened. and i cried a little. i think i’m almost ready to start getting over it. but you know how i can be. i’m just terrified that thanksgiving will be this fucking huge crisis moment in my life because most of my happy memories with said deceased-uncle are over thanksgiving. fuuuuck. i need to get in therapy.. if only to just be in therapy and work through all of this shit.

i don’t know what’s going on with madeline and i either. i guess she said that she wants time to figure herself out. which i can understand. i mean, i spend more tiem figuring myself out than just about anyone else i know so i’m not going to hold it against her. i just wish that she could say goodbye and honor that until she’s ready to say hello again without trying to make me hate her. because lets face it. i’m not going to hate her. after these last two years and all of the things i’ve done to her and she’s said to me i think its pretty clear that i’m always going to have this love for her. and it’s hard cos she doesn’t get out of my head ever. she’s just so there and its not a bad thing. i know she reads this and i know she’ll want to respond or say something and that its probably along the lines of “you shouldn’t care about me..” or some other euphemism or epithet for the same phrase. she’s beautiful. and i love her. and i guess until she’s ready to be part of my life again its just going to hurt whenever i hear certain songs.. at least i know we always used both hands. god. i miss her..

maybe this will be good for her. or maybe we could get really lucky and it could be good for both of us.
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when poverty, aids, and homelessness lead to complete destruction, a society of elitism will be able to rise from the ashes. like a really hardcore phoenix or something.

i climb out of yr bed and dangerously journey across so many roads and sidewalks; finally, i collapse into my own bed. through all the hazes of leaving you this morning i was trying to poetically express what happened last night and i couldn't get anywhere: it seems i'm never getting anywhere. so i'll leave you with my simple i'm sorry i left you unfinished and offer no apology for being a human being (one that breathes, experiences emotion) because that is what draws you to me.

the radio's buzzing static when i turn it on to sleep (something completely out of character) is yr favorite band singing i miss you. i close my eyes and curl up against nothing, so alone now: my twin bed feels like a queen (as do i, remembering when yo held me) and i realize i'll return to you; yr already a voice inside my head…

tu regardes mes yeux, et tu dis “resterais-tu?”.
je dis “oui” et je reste.

today was a female impowerment day. i woke up in a good mood ;). i declared myself vegetarian yesterday after peta2 sent me lit. i felt awesome when i awoke and even more awesome when i got out of bed. then i went to french and had to walk all over the campus cos i parked at petro then needed to go to the library and then i left my card there so i tried to knock my way into my room but it didn’t work. so i bounced back across campus with my palm+music and then went to class. after french i had a gov’t test that i did well on (i think) and i was done in time to take a shower before meeting lacey at lolas.

i had half of a veg sandwich and some cranberry juice and talked to laceroo about life in general then she left for class and i paid my cellphone bill. i was scratching to leave town at that point and had been considering manhattan but it turned out josh wouldn’t be in so i just returned to the coffee shop and hung out with nate and the other coffee shop people (jason dusty and his mom today) and that was grand. i was playing on the internet there and learned that lisa loeb has a new cd out so nate and i went to grab that and it’s absolutely superb.

at that point in the day i declared it “cunt day” because sometimes normal days have to be holidays to celebrate.

this guy jason who i knew mostly from just around was there and needed a ride home so i toted him back to berryton and that was really kick ass. i needed my road trip and i got that. then we got to hang out at his house which is all pretty and way out in the country. he has a pond with all of these catfish and bass and carp and other fish and they’re all domesticated. if you throw in food the catfish will come up to the top and flop around and eat it. it was so serene to just sit there on the bench on the dock and watch the catfish. plus i got to pet his horses and play with his dogs. it was so much fun. i’m so glad i offered to take him home. i needed some country driving man. it was fuckin awesome.
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if you want to define me by what my panties cover up or by whose floor i find my panties on in the morning, then go ahead. but i won't be part of it.

i hate waking up late. this morning i wanted to be up at 8 am so i could take a shower and take my car in to midas, but of course that didn’t happen. grr. i apparently forgot to slide the alarm into the “on” position. so my body wakes up at 9:16 after i dream two dreams, one of whigh leaves me all kinda sad and etc. the other one is about the american socialist party endorsing nancy boyda and me getting in this huge fight with them. wtf. we don’t even have a socialist party to endorse boyda in this state. it was really fucking insane.

so i arise and i’m like “well shit. its 9:16” and i call midas and they can still get me in so i like grind my car down there and by like 9:35 and they say no harm done and its not that big of a deal.. so yah everythings all settled and now i’m just kind of waiting to get the car back.

i saw garden state again last night with j. its such a fucking awesome movie. really. sometimes, i think i am natalie portman. other times, i think i just want to dye my hair that color; and still other times, i think hat i’m putting new brake pads in my car (please don’t let it be more than that…) and i damn well better not spend money on my hair.

as the plot thickened,
their kisses became fevers
sweeping them
away from storylines
and actors
to somewhere new,
somewhere true

i watched,
envious
of a reckless abandon
i've never possessed
wishing maybe you
could perform on cue
so i didn't have to second guess

you're fingers
stirring on my thighs
in the way
you'll later learn ihopeihopeihope
drives me crazy
still later,
you catching my tears
and i knew:
i didn't have to
guess again

as credits rolled
our symbolic lovers rolled in
each others seperate dreams
and my lips
cursed me for not offering
a chance at reality

i follow their advice
(or was it divulge
in their desires,
) while my lips rejoice,
my lungs become violent:
it appears
they meant to keep
that breath

i explain
to every internal organ
he's the one
who made me
breathless
but
i didn't know,
boys could kiss
like that

i hope you know when i said i'd been listening to work your way out and every angle basically on repeat it was because they made me think of you and funny how with every listen i saw a little bit more of you in each word.