Category: Journal

okay. so i just folded my laundry to take it down to the laundry room. because i didn’t want to cary more than just a bookbag. it actually wasn’t that crazy of an idea. and it did save space.

(slash me continues to try to justify herself). how kinsley-esque.

a fetus became a sticky wicket today in class. lol. i’m there right now and its turning into a really stupid abortion debate. its mostly just freeman talking about whether or not people are vegetables when they are in car accidents or whatever or not born. and he talked about aristotlean acorn analysis concerning potentiality or actuality of the zygote become a human being. then, of course, the non-trads got all up in a tizzy about the baby being a baby. and a person. and all this other just stupid stuff. i don’t know. i’m not positive i would abort my fetus. but i probably could. hrm. i wish someone would comment on the rights of the woman in this case. its just one more way to take away the control of the woman over her body. not to mention all the girls that throw themselves down stairs or onto coat hangers. yay for women’s rights!

“can’t bear false witness to any idols that aren’t their god.” wait. freeman. christ. i think he just combined sections of the ten commandments.. i wonder if he realizes he just said that you shouldn’t lie to any gods other than the Christian one. lol.

i took lacey out today because she was stressing major about the capcityclash but i’m sure that all of that is going to go off well. she’ll make it happen. i have so much faith in that girl. we went to the mall and tried on clothes then didn’t buy anything. and we went to pick up her necklace at kay’s and then we went to best buy and i bought some headphones so i can use my palm as an mp3 player. heart. i just got Rosie Thomas’ When We Were Small; it’s amazing. truly.

after the shopping adventures, we went to lola’s and had cheesecake and talked for a while then we invited j to come by and andy came and sat with us and this other girl whose name i don’t know too. it was a lot of fun. and um. alex from silver lake was there too. it was hardcore. i had a really good time and i drank my iced chai. and had cheesecake and felt genuinely at peace with the world.

i’m learning things about myself at college. like im learning that i miss out on a lot by not listening. so i’m trying to get better at that. not that i’m not a listener, just that i do this thing where i interrupt to make my point too. competitive speakers.. ugh. so i’ve been working on that. i know that it comes out of my growing up in a family where being heard meant getting your voice into the first lull in a sentence. lol. family holidays were the greatest.

i’m really sad about my uncle that shot himself. lately. this girl gave a speech in public speaking about how her uncle committed suicide and she said that she wasn’t able to cry about it until a year after it happened and i realized that i haven’t gotten past my anger toward him and been able to just say goodbye and be sad and stuff. maybe i’ll stop by the cemetery on my way to manhattan. it would be nice to see my grandparents graves too. i don’t think i’ve been out there in a long time. i could cry right now. in fact i think i kind of am. if that choked up feeling and moisture in one eye counts.. i don’t know how to deal with this. because theres so much anger. and so much that i have to let go of before i can deal with any of the grief. before i can grieve at all. because i still haven’t done that. the only feeling i remember having is relief because he always threatened to take my aunt with him. and now theres all this anger because he took his own life and left us with this huge mess. i don’t know how to react to it. i’m at a complete loss for words.

ericka’s funeral made me realize that what i thought was emotional maturity (that is, a belief that i wasn’t crying all the time anymore because i understood there were better things to cry about) was actually me being completely numb and not dealing with events in the correct fashion. i’ve always been better at crying during movies and music and other things that don’t matter as much. because my tears for real-life events is my art by way of poetry, prose, and photography. i realized that i’d forgotten how to cry. even though i appeared to be pretty good at it. i feel like i have my emotions back. ((i feel like i’m in a manic episode)). i’ve been trying to let myself cry when things are so beautiful again. i miss the jess that did that.

ps. after lola’s
lacey: “i like j. he just seems to really know who he is.”
jes: “but he’s still looking for himself. he’s just not afraid of what he’ll find.”
and i realized right then that im afraid of what i’ll find when i find myself. so i’m not going to do that. it’s okay if i’m not who i think i am. that doesn’t mean i have any less identity. and its okay if i let other people help me through this process. i’m the kind of person who’s always looking for their own personal definition and i can’t spend my whole life shutting people out of my dictionary.

i exposed the fleshy part of my arm
as you turned your head
to show myself the fleshly memories
and i wanted to tell you
but you left too many blanks in my brain
so instead of opening my mouth
i picked up my pen
and i began to fill them in,

with her i can' t utter a word.
the stillness in the open spaces of my head
turns my attention to so many
cellular symbols of dissatisfaction
while her voice finally turns into a death rattle
i want to reveal myself
and unearth these emotions
until the ground quakes.

when you weren't looking,
i ran my fingers over the
stronger tissue upon which i managed to surive
and reached for you
when you weren't looking.

attics are places to store memories even when you supress your artifacts in heavy wardrobes and neutral-colored boxes, boxing them before allowing them to occur. and this is my attic??in my mind. ((an idle mind is the devil's playground and i feel her building scaffolds in my greymatter)). you haunt these words, but you never notice your own face.

my tears form convex pools on my face as little ponds magnify the words you wrote; i see your blood in the margins and i know–we've combined to be the blood and tears: but our sweat doesn't come in letters. for you and me, words are the effort. for you and me, words are the rule; so, we seal our lips and glue together a silence so strong it speaks.

i went to see madsee in silver lake today so that we could talk about everything that has been going on between us. she cooked for me <33 yummy. pesto alfredo and chicken yum. i could’ve wet myself i was so happy to eat it. the rest of the time went well except that immediately following the eating i began to cry. i just said “i’m sorry” and then she couldn’t hear me so i had to repeat myself about a million times and then finally i just broke down and started bawling. so i asked if it was okay if we went downstairs and we did and i sobbed a whole lot there and she gave me a letter which made me sob harder. then we decided that we both need to get to the point that we can trust me in order for us to have a successful relationship together. the worst part is thats the most difficult part of “working things out.”

part ii
after madsee’s i went to grab coffee at pts and was sitting outside reading tom robbins thinking that maybe j or danny or corey or someone would show up and we could talk for a while. but it looked like no one would be there and my iced chai was almost gone and the chapter was almost finished so i was thinking about heading back to school when i noticed “the original jarrod” lol. after he got coffee we sat outside and talked about poetry and how great it is and what he’s doing with his life (hp) and what i’m doing with mine (the cap-j and big dreaming). it was so nice to see him though. i haven’t seen him since maybe wa-ru’s forensics tournament or even after and i haven’t had the time to really have a conversation with him in years. its crazy how chance works out sometime.

i love it when you’re just sitting there waiting for something to happen and then it does. to think that today started out poorly and ended so well i have no need to talk about what went wrong. i love september. i think it makes me happy to be alive.

i went to see the yankees play the royals tonight with nate and we had a really kickass time. i was hot and kinda pmsing and bitchy right at first but as soon as we left topeka (and his airconditioning started working) i felt a whole lot better. the game was really kickass. the yankees won. and jeter got 1 run and 2 rbis. hooray. the pictures in the photolog show him. i’m going to actually update the photolog these days and maybe make it popup images on demand.

earlier i was reading livejournal communities on anorexia and feeling sad because we don’t give ourselves enough credit or take back the control of our lives so we force our stomachs to destroy our bodies all so that we feel like we have control. but i don’t think we’re fighting ourselves when we stop eating. i think we’re fighting the world–and letting the world win. i just wish they’d find beauty in whatever state of sexxiness they are. fat?=sowhat.

i was thinking about what j said the other day about professors going off on tangents. mostly cos i’m in my public speaking course and he is like a tangent-a-minute (worse than everybody favorite sticky-wicket professor).. anyway, i’ve came to the conclusion that i do find it obnoxious sometimes. but i don’t find it obnoxious with this professor. cos i already know so much about public speaking. he just teaches so much about life.