Category: Journal

enough humor. if yr a former educator of yrs truly do yrself a favor and skip the next entry (chronologically the first one today). now we get to some things that are serious. the reading in college makes me want to set something on fire, preferably the books. its so damn boring i can’t take it! these books just absolutely blow. for chrissakes. the leadership book actually spoke about something intelligent for a while that may have actually spurred brain activity in my little jess head and what did it say: gender stereotypes. while i don’t think i hate jung even a quarter or eighth as much as i hate freud.. i must say the generalization about men being Ts and women being Ps really angered me. why can’t we as a culture get away from telling our men that they have to be strong critical thinkers to be attractive (or athletes, etc.) and our women that they need to be passive nurturers. i am a woman. i am strong. get over it. if you’re an artist or a poet or a dreamer and youre male, more power to you. hell, if you’re a human being and you’re beautiful at all: rock on, and don’t kill yourself. i know its tempting.

im wearing shorts and kinda-shaven legs in the lounge of my hall sitting across from this guy who’s reading history of some sort (he was sleeping when i got here) and its 1:30 in the morning and i’ve just been blogging. this is really when i should be wearing an “i’m blogging this” tshirt. lol. at least then he’d have fair warning.

an observation from last week while realizing that musicians and poets are the epitome of different observations… i’m sitting with nate listening to jimmi play guitar and sing this song. and i’m a poet so i just hear all the words and pretty soon i notice that nate is tapping out piano melodies while listening. it was a brilliant observation cos i think i finally got how much yr history plays a part in what you think and understand about the world. heretics breed ignorance.

furthermore, the fish fry was last night and i had a great time. i squished around in the mud cos fish catching wasn’t going so well. and i was pretty sure if i caught a fish (or ate any) i’d be overcome with the grief of eating a euclid-ish creature. even though euclid is a betta and likes to kick the asses (tailfins) of other fish and eat them for breakfast. so i shouldn’t feel so bad. cos now i’m just “one of the guys”. still. it was a nice time. and i’ve missed the country. i need to take a road trip sometime so that i get things figured out about the country. and how i like it.

remind me to blog all my cute fish stories.

i had an interesting conversation with steve-o about fungus today. the moral of the story was: don’t trip with yr cellphone. you might throw it out the window.

one of my friends came out to me today. i feel like i have someone i can go be queer with now. its awesome. we’re gonna frequent cosmos now in hopes of me getting better at pool, finding creative new ways to wear flannel (or pvc.. heh), and running into my old friend jason. i miss him too, i have been thinking about that a lot lately.

the other day daniel was drunk and introducing me to people and he did it like this: “This is my friend jess. she’s a lesbian” and he always does that, (always always), and so i was just like “god daniel do you have to just scream that everytime you say my name.. its like you think i’m gonna take your boys or something.” i’m witty late at night.

oh and for the record daniel and recently-outted friend aren’t the same person. daniel’s straight. he read’s dating books.

i still represent the overstock.com and recommend them to everyone. i’ve had nothing but the best luck with all products. but this is not about that. this is about jess’s favorite thing to blog about at 1:11 a.m. — masturbation.

(begin censored part) now. masturbation in college has its ups and downs. we’ll start with the downs: 1. my roommate never leaves the room. 2. the only time she’s in the shower (which are really long, thank god) is when i’m in class or sometimes on sundays. 3. anything elaborate is out. and some ups: 1 . . . (still waiting). (end censored part)

i played lefty today, switching a lane by accident, wondering about the significance of this highway because it just feels so much like home. these miles and this road i almost never travel—i'm new, i'm reborn, i'm without a place; and, she sighs: when i say home i mean it refers to this undefined place. (does not my this provide definition?) i'm asking for anything:

your bed.
your pillow.
your hand.

you're so goddamned familiar. i won't let myself go.

againagainagainagain.

i wait for you in my words, as if one day i'll discover you in a sentence—see also, all those commas i missed in grade school—and when you finally come its with no object. no. you bring only the objection. i feel so hollow. i feel so hollow. at least i remember what feeling is at all: to you, feeling is just something you remember doing once; to you, this numbness is just temporary. when i was numb it was permanent, and you were my recovery. you're lost, i half-assedly attempt to recover me, as if one day i'll discover me in a sentene—see also, where you should be.

new layout, obviously.

also, last night i went over to j’s (aka my pirate) to hang out and be mentored i guess. lol, is that what you kids are calling it these days? haha. so anyway we were hanging out and reading each other’s poetry and it was nice to be around another confident poet and to get to hear some of my poetry outloud. it seems that it just becomes so much more fluid and alive when there is a voice behind it. we’re a really good fit. i’m uber impressed with the committee that put people together.

i also realized how cool it is that i get to meet so many beautiful people in college. like j and nate and laura.. there are just so many people here with so much depth to them and the more i learn the more happy i get that i’m here and that i get to do all of these things and meet all of these people. its so awesome.

and i’m glad i’m doing my studying too. i’m very impressed with my dedicatedness. w00t.

i was supposed to see madeline today but i have a fish fry this evening so i guess i can’t go see her. or she doesn’t want to go get coffee and there aren’t really any other places to talk. plus we’d only have an hour and that’s really not enough time. i really miss her. because she was always that beautiful amazing person that i just loved to know. i’m really doubting this whole situation. it just doesn’t make a lot of sense. that i’m without her. and i still love her so goddamn much. but what if i keep hurting her?

asking questions, too demanding, and wondering why the sky doesn't fall—it just hangs there, threateningly, waiting for our backs to turn and our eyes to close so it can melt and be gone: oh how you'll miss it.

i’ve had a pretty good week. i mean, not that its hard for a week to top the one that included the funeral of a sixteen-year-old friend, but you know. it was a particularly good week.

The first thing that was grand was the 3 day weekend. i spent the first day lounging around and working and that night i went and partied with Jarred. we went to the penthouse suites (4th floor) and hung out with Marcus, Daniel, Veronica (not a drinker) and some of their other friends. I really like all of those kids and we had a good time. except they were playing afi and so jarred wanted to go. plus, trevor had called and i never see trevor. so we went to trevors house for a while. before i finally called it a night around 2.

sunday i watched talented mr. ripley with nate while it rained. that was a lot of fun. and i got to see my brother. although the little rat did give me two bruises (one on each side of my right arm) because he kept giving me dead arms. that motherfucker 🙂

tuesday night i spoke against curfews at city council. its gotten me a lot of feedback. the ordinance ended up failing 4-4 w00t w00t. but i think thats mostly cos A) the council is bad at playing politics. B) the council would’ve voted it down by that margin anway considering it was unammended. the mayor commended my excellent oratorical skills (goddammit who let a fuckin woman out of the goddamn kitchen…). lucas was there too and he was just amazing. i mean if lucas and i both agree soemthings bad i think it crests into that area of bipartisan. lol. or we’re both just young. but really i just oppose the curfew for fundamental reasons. cos it wouldn’t REALLY affect me too much. except that i may wish to aprent my own kids. or not get detained just cos i don’t have a way to prove i’m 18. bitches. but it went well. and now cjonline forums want me for the next mayor or commissioner. or president. they said they’d vote for me. but eh, i kiss girls. and when i did that i think i more or less kissed office goodbye. cos theres no fucking way i’m hiding that just to win an election.

the actual week i spent relatively depressed. i don’t know. i was kinda out of it for most of it. i felt like i was really uninvolved and that was really depressing so i rectified the situation. i am now on the columbus day and gotv committee for PISSED (on campus activist org) and i’m secretary of young democrats. i also started with the pre-law association and i’m going to help decide on which questions should be the questions for the presidential round table that’s coming up.

this = very much excitement.

friday i gave plasma and platelets. 300 ml and 4.2×10^11 respectively. man. it wasn’t that big of a deal (pheresis) it just kinda left me exhausted so i ran back to the llc and took a nap after getting some lunch in me. then i obviously forgot to drink a lot more water than usual and dehydrated. so i woke up at 6 am (skip the next part) puking it was pretty gross. like i threw up everything on my stomach which by that time was mostly coke and bile. not that theres much difference between the two. but then my urine didn’t appear to be amber colored so maybe something else happened.

OKAY YOU CAN READ AGAIN: so that was my friday afternoon. in the evening i got to formally meet my mentor for LI, he’s cool. we did the social thing for the LI and then we went to maggie moos and sat around and talked then we drove around and i read him my poetry. it seems that the li-mentor-pairing people did an awesome job this time. w00t.

as an aside, i retook the personality disorder test at 4degreez and i scored much less crazy than the last time i took it. i really think i have mellowed out by way of not being so fucking insane all the time. and once again: jess hates that girl she was a few years ago. i checked yes to the cutter box. even though i’m not a cutter cough,anymore,cough. cos self injury runs deep. and old habits die hard. also, i found it quite disturbing that there was an add for a dating company on the results page. aren’t you supposed to check your emotional baggage at the door when you start a new relationship?

6am and i'm losing it, losing everything: only one bowl and a sip of pbr over 4.5 hours ago and now my stomach is gone. well, its just not where it should be anymore. i climb back into bed again, wondering what i did to my immune system and i wish you were here. whenever i see blonde boi i drive by the place we had our first fight, ((you know, where you said i love you for the first time)) and i wish i could give that back to you. i try to spit out the words, feeling them so gristly in my mouth, and i gnaw and i gnaw until finally it all just comes up i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you; when i try to swallow i choke.

so i've been gone for quite some time it appears. and i kinda want to go back and delete all that emobullshit. lol. but instead. i'm going to add more in that prose-poetry form that i've missed so much.

ps. i'm completely utterly in missing of one, p-money. i think i'll start writing him letters. <333 he's beautiful.

its time we do some cheerin up around here, my little emo friends. thus. the publication of the list of who would straighten me out. in order of who would straighten me out.

1. elvis costello
2. bill clinton
3. matt damon
4. leonardo dicaprio
5. jon stewart

the just make me all creamy in my panties. 🙂 ew for the imagery, no?

and now, my favorite girl crushes

1. alyson hanigan
2. michelle trachtenberg (girl in french class = just like her)

fuck it. its the whole buffy cast i think.

ps. ryan came back to do freelance sports writing tonight. ryan = not clean shaven. ryan = yum.

i’m very fragmented. i always get all stressed out on these nights and i think my back just become a tension battle ground. i swear i can feel like all of the stress is centering in my back. this blows.