Category: Journal

ericka’s funeral was truly amazing. everyone wore pink and it was a complete celebration of her as a person. honestly.

i went to the wake last night and she was so beautiful. erika and i talked about it later and we both said that we were just waiting for her chest to rise and fall. she looked like she was just laying down for a nap before a debate tournament (its so hard that they bury them in suits cos that’s how i always see them and it makes me really sad because it looks just like the girl i always know). you really couldn’t tell that there had been any sort of trauma at all though. she looked wonderful. i think that it really set me in denial for a while though. because she really did look like she was just resting. at the same time though, it really sunk in. i stood in the parking lot and cried for a long time until my mom got there. then we went in and i got really sad and kept crying but i got to see her parents and tell them how wonderful ericka was and how we all really loved her and adored her. because we all did. she was just so easy to love.

this morning i left to get mallory and thought my day would probably be alright. i was listening to the beatles and theres just something about paul mccartney singing let it be that makes my heart feel alright. then when i got to her house my battery died. so there was a huge fiasco trying to fix the battery and then we gave up and had dad take us to seaman so we could meet erika.

the funeral had 4 speakers. her youth minister, her uncle who is a minister in texas and the one that’s a minister in minnesota, and tj who went to school with her and i know better than really any of the debaters. they all did really excellent jobs and it really held up her memory of being a wonderful christian. i think the funeral was exactly how she would’ve wanted it and it really felt like a celebration of her life.

i found out today that my mom’s favorite dog Babe passed away on Monday night. I guess she had a seizure in the middle of the night and mom and dad had to rush her into the vets but she never came out of it so they put her to sleep so she wouldn’t suffer. poor babe. she was such a great little dog. i told mom that lambie and michelle passed away at the same time so that they could both have each other in heaven and ericka must’ve just wanted a dog to take care of too so she’ll watch out for babe. that really seemed to comfort mom. i feel so bad for her. i think i’ll send her flowers tomorrow.

i’m the curly haired one. i really wish they would’ve taken a picture of the whole assembly because it was a really awesome sight.

i keep obsessing over the request that we all wear pink to the funeral. its just amazing what parents will do and can do for their children. and i hate how completely unplanned funerals are. like should she have penciled it into her date book last week? its scary.

a friend of mine from jeff west died in a car accident this weekend. her name was ericka and we roomed together at state debate at the end of january. she was a truly beautiful, amazing girl and i don’t know how to express how sad i am.

in general, i’m not as violently emotional as i was when michelle died. but thats mostly because with michelle i had to grieve for my own mortality as well as a friend that was no longer here. i also learned a lot about living outside of the physical following michelle’s death. that doesn’t make this easy though.

i keep thinking about how sad it was because she was only 16 and just barely. she had so much life in her and such passion for what she did. she was pretty quiet but an amazing debater and she was a phenomenal christian. i think i borrowed her panty hose once. its so strange. i’ve been really upset about michelle in the last week because i’m going to college and stuff and she doesn’t get the chance to live this all out and then friday i was at work and erika told me that ericka had died in a car accident so nate came to pick me up and take me home.

the obituary was in the paper today and i read it about a half hour ago and thats when it really hit me that she’s just gone. the obituary did a wonderful job of showing ericka. her favorite color was pink and everyone’s supposed to wear pik the funeral.

i hate laying out my pink clothes to wear them to my friend’s funeral.
i hate waking up in the morning to read the obituary of a sixteen-year-old girl.

the car accident was less than a mile from where michelle’s had been. she collided with a friend of my dad’s who works for westar and was in the huge westar bucket truck. dad says dan is probably a mess. so i hope he’s okay. because its not his fault. and he should know that. its just a really dangerous road.

saturday i kept seeing butterflies and thinking about how calming i think butterflies are. i couldn’t explain why although it surely has something to do with ani’s song “Evolve.” and saturday evening a butterfly came and sat on my hand near my thumb for a few minutes. and i felt so completely at peace while it was there. i can’t really explain it. but this morning the obituary said that she loved butterflies.

she wanted to be a missionary in russia. and i love russia.

all weekend i’ve pretty much only been able to say “its so fuckin sad.”

all weekend that’s pretty much the only thing i’ve been able to think.

i keep having dreams about her. saturday night i dreamt we were going to see her in the hospital. and i got excited and said “you mean she’s alive?” and the person was like “no she’s at the morgue” but i got this feeling that the person didn’t understand my saying she wasn’t alive. like she was still alive just not her body. last night i dreamt that i was at a cd store looking for cds and somebody handed me a copy of the cd “Evolve” by ani but there was a 2disk set instead.

maybe i’m just crazy and obsess over things. but everyone already knew that i guess.

wednesday, wednesday, friday, sunday, wednesday, friday, tuesday, thursday.
wednesday, friday, saturday, wednesday, sunday, tuesday, thursday.

(here comes the kid with the chemicals)

i just let her go. off the phone. and i told her i’d just go and she wouldn’t have to say goodbye because i know that she would if she knew how but she doesn’t know how and so i said “i love you goodbye” and then i hung up. and now my hearts just completely broken and i just want to crawl back into my bed and slit my wrists until everything feels numb because goddammit numb would feel better than this. but i can’t kill myself. and i feel like without her theres a part of me that’s dead. and this is not surviving. this is being a pussy and wussing out and i fucking hate myself. because i wasn’t going to hurt her again and i was going to be okay and we were going to be so happy and then i just fucked everything up. way to go jess.

i don’t really know why i’m doing this i just don’t know why i can’t just love her and not think about other people. but until i’m older i’m probably always going to do that, you know. and its sooo not fair to her. its not fair that i put her through all this shit.

i’m a fuckup. and everyone was right about me.

class is still alright. again, i’m not too worried about any of it. i have a pretty large paper due in like 2 months but it won’t be the first time i’ve done a big paper in that mount of time. so i think i should probably schedule that by way of palm or even just a written guideline. gosh i’m such a dork.

college is relatively uneventful cos we’re all in class. idk. i guess i’ve just mostly been hanging out with nate. really aside from class and work that’s all i’ve been doing. its been fun. i’m hungry. this website needs a new layout. like whoa.

classes started today. two of them seem really fucking lame. but whatever. welcome to the wild world of college. actually i’m not too worried about the third either. it just might at least keep me awake. but i’m not sure. it feels like highschool 204. ugh.

in between chunks of class i had to run out to sit on a committee for city council. they’re sending the curfew ordinance to the council recommending it 2-1. we kinda think it will pass.. but whatever. i just think its really poorly thought out. and i like the idea of a curfew. sort of. not really. but i could be so easily won over if the council would just give me some goddamn statistics that weren’t so completely biased. muthafucka.

this whole adventure, not to mention my speech last week, has turned me into a media whore. i’m all over the place. between this, the city council meeting last tuesday, and the election i’ve been on television at least once for the past 4 weeks. and i was actually talking 2 of those weeks. i’m pretty positive its all going straight to my head. lol. that’s to be expected, of course.

after class.. i hung out with nate till i needed to go to work. we watched rushmore in the dorm room, went to arbys, ran into dave at barnes and noble, and deposited some checks. typical jess adventures. rushmore is such a kickass movie. it really makes me want to watch the royal tenenbaums again though.. cos i fucking love that movie. like whoa.

today i went over to jarods for a while because my roommate was moving in and i wanted to stay out of the way. plus he’d be wanting to watch this moving with me. so i went there and we watched the movie uhm uhm. The Following. it was awesome. like really truly hardcore. its by the same guy that did momento and it just totally rocks. i’m gonna have to stay awake for all of momento now, lol. but yah. i really really liked it.

after that i went and nabbed my brother from the skate park and we went out to my house to see the dogs and so i could grab some of my shit and then we headed out to dinner and my aunts. mom was kinda whiny at dinner (as usual?) but she got better cos we bitched at her. i had a strawberry margarita and spent most of it thinking about how much better it would be with alcohol. lol. we then journeyed to my aunts house (the one we like never talk to) and spent a while there visiting with my uncle and her. it was nice. we really do never see them due to a huge fight in the family a few years ago. basically she was a bitch and my mom holds a grudge. although i think i’d hold a grudge on this one too.

my roommate, as it turns out, is pretty cool. i think we’ll really get along. and i’m glad i can quit freaking out about the whole thing. als. i’m downloading software for my webcam and i’m planning on setting up a fish & jess cam for the next layout. awesome.

semi-drunken lamp assembly should be an olympic event.

yesterday was the leadership stone nature center ropes course. it was a whole lot of fun. we basically went out there and had to do these different challenges.. aka “elements” it was really kickass. i had sooo much fun. and we got all bonded and stuff too.

i think that it was a really hardcore course because it really did push all of our different limits. there were some things (like just going over a 12 foot wall with no ladder or rope or anything) that were really fucking terrifying for me and i ended up having a panic attack after. i think that really humbled me. which lacey commented on later. she said that after that she could tell i was just a little bit different. and ir ealized that my body does have limits and there are things that i know i shouldn’t do and that means that i actually shouldn’t do them.

we also got the opportunity to go across a burma bridge which was insanely kickass. we were on harnesses and had static ropes to protect us and stuff but we could just hang over the river from the harness. it was so awesome!

i was probably the best at doing this one obstacle thing that was a balance exercise. i didn’t even think i was very balanced. but apparently i’m pretty damn good at it. lol. actually, that one was my favorite because we all worked completely as a team and we didn’t have any problems doing anything. it was really really nice. i had an awesome time.

after the li got over i took a shower and headed out to janelles party. that was nice and i got to hang out with madeline around people which we seem to not do much of. afterward, i took her home and she made me yummy pasta with pesto. it was the most delicious thing ever i think. i love pasta.

so the leadership crew feels like my new family.. which is really awesome. having new families keeps me from getting homesick. my other new family is my fish euclid who i rescued and love very much. i rescued him from the WUPR people at the activity fair cos they were selling bettas and i just thought that was hella-mean. so this one was getting picked on so i bought him. but he’s a stud man. i’m not even kidding. and he looks at me a lot when he’s hungry and stuff so i always know. he loves me and i love him. yay