Category: Journal

so the alternator went out on my car and that sucks pretty bad. but at least its not something a lot worse you know? and its gonna be about 350 and i only have about 280 to my name. so fuck fuck fuck. but my birthday is coming up. and maybe i’ll get some money then and i can probably take extra hours at work or something. i don’t really know. shrug. oh well. my spring break has been pretty good though. hella busy, i guess, but you know nothing too bad, other than the car has happened. and w00t w00t this makes it 1 year since i’ve wrecked. which gives me some leverage around the house. i hope. but i won’t really.

i made my female impowerment mixed tape. track listing coming soon.

also, for those who are hostees or whatever, i just deleted my entire website (one click gone terribly awry!) . and then i undeleted it. so if i fux0red your greymatter i’m sorry. but everything appears to work so i assume that will too.

maybe i need to get over her and thats what all of this is about. maybe i’m just realizing that what we had was good but it can never happen again. but i really don’t want that to be true. which may be why i’m not over her yet. i don’t know. i really thought i wasn’t walking out that door for the last time.

you catch me when i’m falling down on you i’m really mopey today. madeline told me last night that she’s been seeing this other girl and for whatever reason i’m really heartbroken over it all. i know i’ve been seeing other people but its like this makes it final. like i can’t have her back. like she can replace me. and i won’t let myself or maybe i just can’t replace her but now i feel like i should. and then i feel bad about jarod cos i’m really close to him and i’ve been seeing him a lot but i just can’t let myself let go into him and be with him the way maybe i should be. but i don’t know. i have no idea whats going on or what i should do or if anything even needs doing. maybe madeline and i were just meant to be friends maybe none of this love mattered but it did. and what if she falls in love with this other girl and our love stops existing? what if everything i’ve believed in so strongly for so long is just a lie? i’m so fucking terrified. someone fix me, please.

the weather is really nice. and i’m so incredibly excited about spring break. its the best thing ever. we should have it more often. how much do you think it costs to fly to brazil? because i recently decided that i really really wanna go.

yesterday i was driving home and i stopped to check the mail. mentally, i noted that its kind of strange how i waited religiously by the mailbox for my scholarship (or what turned out to be a lack thereof) to come to my house from creighton. and i had bad panic attacks on the drive home, etc. etc. now, i just kind of drive home and check the mail because it became such an obsessive habit. so yesterday i do this and there is no mail in the mailbox and i think about how that’s a little weird and then i walk in and see all of the mail on the couch. the first thing i notice is a letter from creighton. i open it and its about financial aid and things like that. so i have more forms to fill out. whee. then i look through the other mail and found a letter granting another 500 dollars from washburn university.. then i noticed a bigger envelope and turned it over to reveal that it was from creighton university. i opened it up and found a letter congratulating me for winning the Creative Writing Merit scholarship for the poetry that i submitted. needless to say, $16,000 ($4,000 a year) makes the difference and i can afford Creighton now. i’m incredibly excited. but i’m also pretty terrified.

so opera is the best browser ever for a little extemp nerd. it has this thing called a HotList which is an extra, anchorable window and it will lock the links on a page into this window. so instead of pressing the back button twice to file like i used to have to do to get to la page principale.. i now just have to double click the next link in the list. its amazing. it saves so much time. esp. since i’m on dialup. i never cease to be happy with opera. it teh secks.

last night i dreamt that i sat down with her and it was cordial and we talked about things, among them forensics and you. she didn’t seem to be totally opposed to the idea of you and me. like she was just sincerely concerned for you and your wellbeing. maybe it was all just wishful thinking on my part. but i don’t know. i like to think i could be the best thing that happened to you and not the worst.

i’ve listening to ani a lot lately. which has turned out to just put me in a mopey mood. but i’m gettng new album (not a pretty girl) and that should put me in a better mood at least in theory. i’m going to emporia with the novices tomorrow because there is an afterschool and i want to be there to support them and talk to them about critiques of their work.

i took first in extemp yesterday too so i’m going to the national catholic forensics league grand nationals tournament in extemporaneous speaking. i’m stoked. i want to be a national champion. so i’m gonna start like trying and stuff. also, i really really want to qualify to NFL so everyone best watch out.

i took first place and the ncfl qualifier for the kckscfl district. i won all five of my rounds and dropped 0 ballots. that gives me a 5-0 record with 15 ballots. r0x0rz.

i woke up today around 9 and went out with steph till noon then i got ready for the tournament and then i went to the tournament and i just got home at like 10:20 or so. but i did try to call on my way home.

i don’t know how i can stand it around here. i’m so torn between the fact that i more-or-less hate the state that i live in to the point that i can’t stand the people in it. i just don’t understand how people can call themselves americans and in the same breath want to write hate back into the constitution. i just don’t get it.. marriage may not be a right but if the government is going to grant it to anyone they should grant it to everyone. haven’t we already established in this country that seperate is inherently unequal? fuck fuck fuck. sometimes i really just think i should move to canada. but i love the united states and i don’t know how i could just up and leave it. dammit.

i got into a debate about gay rights/marriage at youth council tonight and had to publicly come out to everyone because i just can’t stay quiet and it really pissed me off. because yah. i hate it when religious people say that because its against the bible (which i don’t believe it is) it should also be against the state. perhaps we should enforce whats best for the state and let religion do what religion will do outside the confounds of the state. i feel like my first ammendment establishment rights are violated by this religious establishment. i mean government. it seems like far to easy a slip of the tongue, no?