college, quoi quoi?

i don’t know what school i’m going to still although i am apparently getting a bigger scholarship at washburn so i think i might just end up there. i also have an appointment at KU at 10am tomorrow and i’m meeting dr. farley at 3:30. so hopefully by the end of the day i’ll know what college i’m going to and i can get it all worked out and then be ready to move there next year. i’m not really sure where i want to go or what i plan on doing. but i’m excited about some of it. i think.

easter was strange. the uncles death was kind of looming and everyone just seemed weird.

happy easter i think

i’m pretty nervous about easter today. its the first holiday since my uncle died. and the first holiday after a death is never a fun one. plus, it was only like a month ago that it happened. i don’t know. its so strange. i still haven’t really grieved about him. it hit me once and i got a little teary when we were driving in kansas city getting prom dresses but otherwise i’ve been in this daze and just ignored it.

i saw madeline on friday. we got chinese food and looked at tattoos and went to this great consignment store that i didn’t know existed.. then i just took her home. it was nice to see her again. i really wish we hung out more. i don’t see/talkto her enough.

i also saw thomas. becuse i went to manhattan to look at kstate again and try to get some of this college shit sorted out. i think i’m leaning toward KU or Washburn. but I don’t care so much about it at all anymore. shrug. I kind of want to sleep through all of college. arugh. i need to call KU and make an appointment with FinAid and woods to get my visit there going. and then i need to find out what dr. farley wants to do about meeting me at WU this week. growl. its just a pain in the ass.

have a nice easter.

she dies in the earth as well

lately all of my poetry (available at eat these words) is about abortion. and i’m not really sure what i’m attempting to do with it, its just what i feel like writing about. i think its based mostly on my feeling like i have been aborted or am about to be aborted and i have to justify it, i don’t know. i don’t know. its not that i’m pregnant. or that i could become pregnant. its just that its what i’m compelled to write about. the suffering and agony and beauty that i see is best expressed through poetry.. about abortion this time. i don’t know. perchance i’ll figure it out someday but until that day.

jfk golf clubs

so i’ve pretty much decided that i am going to attend kansas state university in the fall and major in political science and international relations with minors in French and Russian. after college i’ll probably join the peace corps for a while because the only real satisfation i find is in actually helping people. i don’t know why i don’t care anymore. and i don’t know what exactly changed.. but something did. and i just want to DO i’m tired of the learning how.

its the way that he makes you fall in love

i did not qualify in lincoln-douglas debate to NFL. although, i do believe i won the round. I picked up the community judge and dropped raff and this guy that was an x-topeka high debater. i’m pretty sure the guy should’ve been struck from the room as he was too friendly with the neg in a really competitive situation. it’s really too bad. he said that i misinterpreted rousseau. which is completely untrue. and if it is true.. then she misinterprets him as well. because she’s running a slightly different variety of the same case. and i believe that my version is stronger than hers anyway because it upholds the equality of the individual and the community. i just think its shitty.. cos if she really felt i was misinterpreting rousseau, then she was doing it intentionally as well. and from what i’ve read of the social contract i was completely not misinterpreting him. fuck. i need to learn to lie more if i’m going to do well.

yesterday i took 3rd in IX at emporia. so i think that’s pretty good. and i’m going to prep hardcore for IX at IEs so that i can just qualify in that. and then, it doesn’t matter about who should’ve won what round at LD quals.

i feel like a failure :-/

blog-a-holic

after yesterday i feel like there can’t be much more to say. lol. the computer recovery is coming along well… my birthday party is also formally going to be at 6am on Wednesday at IHOP. mail me for real directions. heart heart. so much excitement. everyone is invited. baseball season starts tomorrow and the liberal talk radio station starts on my birthday. what a great week.

bipartisan

josh and i do declare the following to be bipartisan:
1. ostriches
2. pretzels (the hard kind)
3. astrology
4. british accents
5. everything british except politics in britain
6. pentagon briefings (not the content only the concept)
7. economic addresses (only the concept)
8. that we’re the only intelligent people in 6th hour. and 8th hour. really all the hours except 1st cos we’re both tired there.
9. globalization (kind of)

bipartisan

josh and i do declare the following to be bipartisan:
1. ostriches
2. pretzels (the hard kind)
3. astrology
4. british accents
5. everything british except politics in britain
6. pentagon briefings (not the content only the concept)
7. economic addresses (only the concept)
8. that we’re the only intelligent people in 6th hour. and 8th hour. really all the hours except 1st cos we’re both tired there.
9. globalization (kind of)

long weekend, much?

i typed this all out earlier and then it got erased … growl. i guess it wasn’t really the fault of the closer though. who would think that i’d be saving blogs for later. dammit. and hey there was a free linkup in the deal i guess. the disclaimer: this entry may be short and to the point. but i have no point and have never been short spoken in my life. lol.

my windshield wipers fucked up yesterday. which blew. i was driving home from work at like 10:30 and my wipers started to slow down before i got to the bridge and then they just quit and i couldn’t see cos of all of the rain. so i had to pull over at the first gas station right after the bridge. dad had shown me earlier in the day what fuse went where and where my extra ones were and so i knew how to fix it and i started sorting fuses but i didn’t have any 25s that were small enough for that slot so instead i had to just call dad. and get really wet because of all the rain and my open door etc etc. dad came and got me cos it was about 11 by then and he was just getting off work. we squeegeed my window and then i drove home in front of him and he watched me to make sure i didn’t drive off of any bridges. i don’t know what i’ll do without my dad next year. i thought about that the whole way home. i love him so much. and i’ll miss being able to call him when silly things happen.. like my windshield not working. i guess he really won’t be that far away though.

so my laptop decided to fuck up yesterday evening as well. right after the windshield incident i turned on my laptop in my bedroom and XP decided that it should quit giving me login options thus i was faced with just a blue screen (but as one other person who apparently had the same problem in the past said.. “not THE BLUE SCREEN”) that had the xp logo on it. so i called jarod in a fit and he was asleep and i could tell so i let him go and went to sleep, of course dreaming that the laptop worked.. so i woke up and the laptop was still broken, isn’t it always that way? and i headed to jarods for a little tech support. we installed xp pro over xp home and relaized the files were password protected so we had to mess raound on Knoppix (a cd-rom boot linux os). and then we decided that there had to be a better way. so we finally (after a day and two sessions of tries) got a wonderful email from this guy on the channels who had faced a similar problem explaining that SET can be used in the recovery console to unlock programs. but copying them still appears to be so much work its barely worth it. of course, my files are worth everything, aren’t they? lol. anyway the problem will soon be solved. and really the only reason i cared so much was because i’ve spent a year collecting those albums and i had 3.5 pages of a 10 page research paper on there. and i need those fucking pages. so i got those fixed by about 4:30 this afternoon. go me/jarod.

that seems to be all of my news for right now and thats actually just the stopping point on the last post (the last post was less the good news about it being fixed). but there was a huge-all-out-family-dinner. it was insane. we were there and there were 3 people that i don’t even know, even though it was my fucking birthday dinner, and it was just crazy. we ate at coyote canyon and now i’ll just list the craziness that happened.

1. on the way out we saw a rainbow. which turned into two rainbows. my mom and my aunt were like little kids “wow have you ever seen anything like that? that’s just amazing..” it was kind of cute. and made me less on edge wiht mom who i was not getting along with at all today.

2. as we pulled into the parking lot, my aunt asked who was smoking a cigarette that smelled like grass and mom said “prolly me” and i was like “oh no, that was mine. sorry. i’ll put it out” and my aunt was like “you can’t smoke it unless you share it.” wow. crazy hippie aunts rule.

3. when we got there there were 11 of us. and we were at a buffet but we still had a wait because there were 11 of us. crazy.

4. while we were waiting mom helped herself to some soup. which was also funny. but caused most of us to disown her.

5. my brother apparently overheard the dinner guests we didn’t know talking about the wild sex they ahd last night. and trust me no one wants to think about these people having wild sex.

6. the other dinner guest we didn’t know (daughter of those mentioned in step five) ate about every dessert imaginable. 3 cookies, brownie, cheesecake, ice cream with cherry sauce, and bread pudding. w0w. and that was JUST dessert.

7. that’s all. thank god.

you're the past

i read colby’s opendiary just now and it kind of weirds me out that i just really don’t have feelings for him anymore. i was reading about this girl he’s been seeing lately and how he saw the girl he dated most seriously before me and i don’t know, it just seems strange. because mostly i just want him to be happy. and so then i was thinking about it and i want this for most of the people i’ve dated in the past. like with brian and mb.. i just want him to be happy and she seems like a cool girl so i don’t really care that they’re together. despite everything that’s happened recently between he and i its more important that he’s with someone he wants to be with and if thats her then thats cool. and really i feel this way about all of my exes. except a few. but that’s understandable i guess. i’m just really glad i’m over most of my exes. it was a pain in the ass not to be.