Category: Journal

well i’ve been graduated for almost two weeks now. well a week really. it seems like its all gone so fast. but honestly, it has. Lets discuss graduation: mom threw me a party on saturday and to tell the truth i was dreading it until it happened. i felt like it was all going to be about my mom cleaning the house and her prepping the food and her doing all of this work and inviting all of her friends, and i didn’t really think many of mine would show up. mostly because we never did formal little invitations. you know how that goes. as it turned out though, my really good friends were able to make it. i got to see amy, andrea, josh, lacey, madeline, alissa, ashley and some of my mom’s friends who i haven’t seen in years. ms. chamberlain was able to make it too and i had an amazing time. it was a great way to end high school.

sunday, i did the actual graduation thing. i gave my speech which included a few bad jokes regarding inside-school humor. ie, a judge in kansas ruled that all state public schools be shut down until the damn legislature fixed the budget. and no child left behind. i’ve gotten a lot of good feedback on my speech because a) it did not include a prayer and b) it was very jess-esque. it was a wonderful time and i was really happy about all of it. i only got a little teary during the ceremony and i’m just glad i had the chance to see all of my friends and graduate and stuff.

i spent most of last week just bumming and doing nothing. mostly because i didn’t have to do anything but work at the newspaper and i really support that. especially this week. i started at the elections office yesterday and so far we pretty much do nothing but alphabetize cancelled voters. and i’m not incredibly excited about who i work with either. like the main guy that i work by is really nice its just that there is no one near my age group. so sometimes i kinda feel like i’m just a dumb kid. but i know i’m not a dumb kid cos i mean its a good job and i got it so there must be something nice about me. lol.

i’ve been mopey and depressed the past few weeks. i think its a combo of being stressed about nationals, being a grown-up, and overworking myself. i just feel really lame. hopefully it’ll get better. i felt okay today until i noticed that the capital journal did a fucking story on the damn t-high and silver lake forensicators when i took 4th & 1st in state IX and debate. and for that matter, they should’ve mentioned megan too because she’s my hero times ten. fuckers.

that’s all for now. i’ll be in boston from thursday till monday but i might try to blog before i get out. we’ll see. love the new layout.

i actually really like that song, but don’t tell anyone. SHH! i think i just like it because we listened to it on the way back from the CFL qualifier and i sang along and I took first place when qualifying to nationals that day and so its all attached to good memories. i guess. i’m really looking forward to this summer, specifically next week because i get to do nothing and then i go away and i will do something and that will be sad. but you know, working full weeks will be good for my bank account if not my morale and ability to work long amounts of time.

i saw madeline at prom. i don’t really know what to think about any of it. i guess its still just hard because most of what she says when she sees me is right and then i feel bad because i know that seeing me (really seeing each other) makes both of us sad for the rest of the night (or maybe just me) and now i really don’t know what to think or say about any of it. but i don’t want to do what i always do (which would be to just not think or say anything instead just pretending it didn’t happen.)

i guess she meant i should when she said fuck the world.

i’m mid-prom festival. jarod looks really nice in his tux. and our pink flowers match perfectly and were worth the extra drive for the discount.. we ate at shogun which was really delicious. and the most wonderful thing happened..

this guy picked up our tab. like all six of us. he’d been kind of talking with us throughout the dinner and he’d said something about how he didn’t get to go to his prom but he always wished he had. he warned us to be safe and not to drink and drive or have sex or anything. and told a story about someone he knew who’d gotten into a lot of trouble because he got drunk at afterprom. then, when the meal was over the waitress came by and said “that man over there said that he would be picking up all of your tabs and not to worry about it” so we’re all just completely dead silent. like dead silent. and jarod had been in the bathroom so he comes back and he was like “why are all of you so quiet over here” (i think the phrase that he used was stone silent) and i was like “that guy said he’s buying our dinners” so then the guy was just like “sometimes funny things happen”. it was a really wonderful moment. more later.

lol. i do hereby promise to never title another entry that ever again. sometimes people need to be obnoxious about things.

i think i got a web-gig or 2 worked out. the first is the Capital City Clash website. that will be occuring on October 2nd downtown and i really want that to get worked out soon because i need time for nationals and such and i guess i could do that in salt lake but i wasn’t planning on taking the computer there. also, i’ll be doing the Another Roadside attraction website. and that one has a deadline: may 20. so that’s the thursday after i graduate which is 2 weeks from y esterday and that should be plenty of time i think i’m going to go home and get started on it and see if i can at least come up with a really fucking awesome idea for what the site should look like.. i heart those boys so hardcore.

also, i need to get the shins album when i get off from school because i really liked all that i heard of it. hooray.

prom is tomorrow (see also: title entry). we have reservations at Shogun at 6 and we’re taking pix at the capitol at 5. so that will be a stellar adventure for jarod and i. i don’t know. its prom so i hate getting upset about it and i always kind of figured i’d be going with madeline so odds are i’ll be obsessing over that at some point. also because her prom is in the same hotel/building. i don’t know. i’m a little weirded out by the whole thing. but i just want to have a good time. and that’s all i care about.

3 weeks and i’ll be in boston.

i don’t really like “having a life” more than i did maintaining the website. it will be nice when its summer and i at least have nights and weekendishness off. even if i will be working a lot of overtime. i’m tired of stressing about finals and AP tests etc and i just want to get to college and start doing things there. overall though, i’d day i’m doing pretty well.

i took 4th in the state IX tournament yesterday. which i’m not happy with but i guess is hould be. i’m just upset with myself because I did not speak to the best of my ability. oh well, there’s always nationals right? ::stresses::

so. i had weird dreams last night. i don’t really know how to explain it because i don’t want to say who the person was but i dreamt that i kissed someone at prom that i don’t believe anyone would be happy if i kissed. i mean. argh. it was just strange. we were in the bathroom and i just walked up to her and said hi and kissed her and the whole time i was like “its just a kiss hello” and it seemed so completely excusable because everyone kisses everyone hello and i felt like i was completely different from everyone in the world because i felt weird about it. but i don’t really know what to make of it today. because it wasn’t anyone that i would see in the bathroom at my prom and as her prom was last night i believe that i didn’t see her their either. i guess it was just a strange dream. but hrm. i feel remorseful. i feel relieved it only happened in a dream. i feel like i should be able to easily apply this to my actual life. but, alas, i can’t.

i feel like i want to fix my goddamn laptop.

i also dreamt that i was dating gabe again, i think. i don’t know. it was some sort of gabe-thomas combination which would be incredibly insane as i don’t think there is even one part of them that is remotely similar. ..maybetheirviewofawomensrole.. and i guess that could be enough. it was sort of a strange dream. mostly just hanging out at this house with a curvy steep driveway.

does anyone have a keen sense of dream interpretation? shrug.

i’m thinking about making chaostasis.net into chaostasis networks and having it be a feminist power website type place, but i’m not sure. i’d still host blog sites (including my own). but i can’t decide if i’d have enough information to make any sort of a website that wasn’t just links.. maybe i’ll start a subdomain and see if i can build it up… maybe first i should find the time.

so i guess i’ve been out for a while. man. it seems like i’m nothing but really incredibly busy. i guess that that happens second semester of senior year but i really wish that i had more time for things. i think i’m going to code some tonight (mostly to make sure i haven’t forgotten how, lol). its insane.

i made a college decision. which includes actually withdrawing funds from other universities. I plan to be a Philosophy, Political Science major with a minor in Womens’ Studies. I also plan on checking out the actual process of acheiving that (last i remember it wasn’t so bad) from the university. oh yah, i’ll be attending Washburn University in the fall. I think it will be good for me. i’m going to live on campus and get really involved. i’m looking into Unity Coalition, Alpha Phi, and then the Leadership Institute of course and probably the honors’ program. we’ll see. i’m super excited about it though. its mostly just really nice to know where i’m going to be next year. argh. it took me damn near long enough.

furthermore, state forensics is this weekend. nationals in boston is at the end of may and nationals in salt lake is in the middle of june. i think i’ll want all of the breaks when they come. despite their complete lack in breakness.

i also got the 40+, mandatory overtime, $7.50 an hour (time and half after 40 hrs in a week) job i applied for. do i not sound excited about it? shrug. itll be a fun job (elections office) i just don’t like the drive. but the money will be good and i get new suits and i think it will be an all around good time. dance dance. it’ll be nice to have money too. lol.

well i’m off to start toying at a redesign. shrug. we’ll see what gets churned out. i’m leaning towards corals and blacks. !! augh. splat.

i think i need to blog more. its like i never just pour out how i feel: so here goes. i feel like i’ve been way to wrapped up in myself and commitments i don’t care about. i need to start focusing on what I want to do. and that’s be there for my friends; talk to madeline more; prep for state IX; prep for nationals extemp; read more about civil disobedience/prep for national LD; read more of my feminist propaghands; decide where to go to college.

emphasis on the decide where to go to college. i think it might be washburn. they’ll put me close enough for local internships, i can maintain relationships with the people i need to be here for (devon/mallory) and i can still get a good education for free. just what i want. hooray. i was thinking maybe i could take summer or night courses in russian from KU or something and that would take care of my lack of Russian problem. i just really want to learn the language :-/

today jarod and i went to the bookstore (i dragged the poor kid along) and i got 4 new books of feminist propaghanda to keep me busy for the next few weeks… Our American Sisters: Women in American Life and Thought by Jean E. Friedman and William G. Shade (50% off 50 cents), A History of Women in America by Carol Hymowitz and Michael E. Weissman (50 cents), The American Woman: Her Changing Social, Economic, and Political Roles 1920-1970 by William H. Chafe (50 cents), History of Ideas on Woman: A Source Book by Rosemary Agonito ($1). the last books is a collection of philosophical writings on the role of women. how much fun is that? i’m so excited to crack into them.

i qualified in lincoln-douglas today because Ryan double qualled and chose OO so that moved Sarah into a qual position in DX which moved me into a qual position in LD. so that’s the long harebrained process but I’m convinced (out of sheer arrogance) that i deserve to go. so i’m excited that i’m now in a position that provides for that opportunity. whee. Dance dance dance.

also, i received (i think) and additionl 3500 grand from Washburn today which means i’ll probably be going to school there. i kinda might not live on campus though. i don’t know. its so expensive for not having your own fucking shower. lol. perhaps i could find alright apartments in the area. hm. shrug. i guess it depends on if i want to work or not.

i’ve been officially recorded as the student of the month without joe’s name on the board. i don’t know if its cos he didn’t show up or what but its exciting. i’m hella-hardcorely excited. i’ll post a picture on the site later. maybe.

ps. whatever happened to my photolog?
pps. i’m pretty sure i deserve to be alone.
ppps. why can’t i just figure shit out? wtf.

Jess
Commencement Speech
April 15, 2004

Stop. Don’t think about your first day of Kindergarten, or the first day of any succeeding grades. Don’t think about tomorrow or the day after. Don’t think about where or if you’re going to college. Don’t think about what career you are or will be entering eventually. Instead, I want you to think about this morning.
What is the first thought that entered your mind when you awoke?
Perhaps, ?I’m terrified?. Or maybe, ?Wow! It’s finally here!? Or even, ?Will I really be able to get my hair and make-up ready by four o’clock this afternoon?? Only you know what you’re exact thoughts were when you rolled out of bed this morning, but one thing is for sure: until right now, you were waiting for this moment. And, you will probably remember this for a long time to come as well.
One of the memories that I have carried with me and will continue to use in my day-to-day life surrounds the final round at the State Debate championship. I was standing outside of the round waiting for a pep-talk from our coach, Mr. McKeithan. Finally, he appeared at the end of the hallway and approached Joe Eisenbarth and I with the same determined look we always got before a high-stakes round.
I expected to hear a repeat of the speech we?d heard before Quarters and Sims, but instead, McKeithan said something I didn?t expect. He looked at me as I twirled my hair, bit my nails, and engaged in any of a number of nervous habits and said, ?Jess, you?ve made it to finals at the state debate tournament. You?ve earned this. Just debate well and have fun. Enjoy the day.?
McKeithan had told me to ?enjoy the day? many times before, mostly when I was worrying about something I had no control over, but it wasn?t until we were outside the final debate round of 2003-2004 school year in the state of Kansas that I truly understood what he meant. There are some moments or times in our lives that are just our goals as people: To make it to finals in a State tournament, to make it to the post-season in any sport, to get all A?s on your last grade card, to pass Chemistry, to graduate. We?ve worked for this.
And now, we truly understand what it means to ?live for the moment? or ?enjoy the day.?
Too often, we get caught up on what went wrong in the past or what will be better in the future and we forget to spend time just paying attention to how lucky we are to have made it to this moment. I challenge you, right now, to stop thinking about the past and the future and just enjoy this moment. When you realize what enjoying the day feels like, do it more often. Don?t spend tomorrow thinking about today or spend tomorrow wondering about the day after that. Sit back, relax, and enjoy what?s happening around you.
Class of 2004, I leave you with the best advice I?ve received and the most important lesson I?ve learned in all of high school. ?Enjoy the Day. You?ve earned it.?