Category: Journal

so i dropped philosophy/ethics and added college algebra. i also devised an entire list of classes i have to take to graduate. ethics was not on the list. which is slightly unfortunate. but i guess world religions is and that sounds muchos exciting.

my trip to dc will include me rooming in Daniel’s apartment. mom really wishes i’d stay with a girl but i don’t really know any girls there less justine and i don’t really know justine that well. plus daniel has an apartment and everyone else i know does not. i’m so excited about the trip. i heart dc.

i meant to blog about this too. but its serious. so i suppose it needs an additional entry. i watched real world all day today. well i went out with josh for a few hours but i watched a LOT of real world. and the last episode i saw before leaving for work was the one where frankie cuts herself. and i realized when i saw what it was doing to Julie (maybe her name isn’t julie.. but whatever). i don’t think i ever thought about what it did to other people when i did it. i guess that’s obvious because when i thought about that i didn’t do it. it’s really hard for me to figure out. because i know what it does to me when i’m close to other people who do it. i know i’ve grown up a whole lot over the past few years. in the past year i’ve only acted on the desire to harm myself one time. unfortunately, that was only a few weeks ago. regardless, i was able to realize that what i was doing was stupid and only going to make me angrier with myself later so i stopped before i did any damage. and i was still really angry with myself later.

i suppose this entry is meant to be both an apology to those i hurt when i was hurting myself as well as a thank you for those who supported me and understood how difficult it was to take control of my own situation. thus, i’m sorry; thank you.

i enrolled yesterday. so far my schedule for college doesn’t look too terribly bad. in fact, i’m kind of looking forward to most of the classes. although i keep freaking out about the whole thing. change really bothers me. but everyone knows that about me by now i suppose. shrug. here goes:

monday/wednesday
10-10:50 ? French
11-11:50 ? US Government
1:30-2:45 ? Ethics

tuesday
10-10:50 ? French
11-12:15 ? Leadership
1-2:15 ? Public Speaking

thursday
11-12:15 ? Leadership
1-2:15 ? Public Speaking

friday
10-10:50 ? French
11-11:50 ? US Government

not too bad, right? i’m kind of afraid that this will lock me into a science/math semester. but hopefully i’ll AP out of the math stuff and then i can work on science of some sort. possibly behavioral. idk. i should look into that when i get off work.

i saw madeline last night and had an awesome time. we watched a lot of buffy on dvd. embarassing realization of last night no. 1: i really like Buffy the Vampire Slayer the series. no joke.

i went to see another roadside attraction play at the boobie trap with schemata (i think) and the velvet hammers. lol. i can’t believe i went to another show at the boobie trap and saw the velvet hammers. argh. although i think i should probably give greg and tim a lot more credit than i do. their band is good at all their instruments and they sound really well together, its just not particularly my style of music. idk. ARA was really good though. Chad sounded a lot better than he had on the demo… maybe it was just a bad voice day for him or whatever but he definitely rocked last night. even jarred said that it was good. and jarred doesn’t like much music. i was out till about two (the show then denny’s) and i’m pretty sure i’m going to smell like cigarettes and alcohol for the rest of the weekend. dammit. i feel pretty dehydrated too. i swear i have to have water like minute that i wake up or i feel like shit all day. it really blows.

i’ve been cyclicly depressed lately. most of yesterday morning i felt like slicing my wrists (i mean that in the non-threatening sense of the phrase) in the back room. maybe its because i’ve been avoiding everyone at work lately because i honestly feel stupider at that job. all i do is alphabetize. i mean, god, what did i do to deserve this? i thought i was smart. no. i’m working with a group of wonderful people but my mind is absolutely never exercised. augh! i have to start debates in my head with myself. yesterday i was filing returned envelopes and trying to hammer out a mental solution to the problems in israel&palestine. just because i couldn’t tolerate my feeling stupid anymore. but the moral of the story is that i left work at lunch near the crying point. just cos i was really sad, and i like my job for the most part. i mean its really good money and it really isn’t that bad… but i just wasn’t having a good day yesterday. so i got in the car and i called jarod cos i’d invited him to the ara show with me but he said that he didn’t feel like going and never called to indicate otherwise. then, chik-fil-a sounded yummy so i went to the mall for lunch and parked next to sarah’s car so i hunted for her in the mall. she’s working at hot topic now so i got to talk to her for a little while then i got food and by the time i returned to work i was feeling chipper. after work i called jarred to see about the show and he said he’d go so i went to my guitar lesson then came home and finished reading welcme to the monkey house (vonnegut, i loved it) and then we got pizza for me and saw the show. it was a nice time. jarred’s fun because we can keep each other entertained for long periods of time. there’s always tons of good conversation, not to mention that “intellectual stimulation” i’ve felt i’ve lacked for a while.

amelia spoke to me the other night. she called at like 1 am on tuesday, perhaps because that’s when she thought to but i think it has more to do with her knowing she’d get my answering machine. so i got her message and saved it so i could analyze it later.. i was going to call her back last night but she was online wednesday so we talked for a little while and i think things will be alright. sometimes its really hard to judge her. (read: she’s impossible to read). but i think that her “we can still be friends” will be true and probably for the best. i’m going to mail that 10 page letter i wrote her today. so she should get it tomorrow or monday and then all she has to do is read it. she promises she will. (not the first promise she will have broken in the event that she does).

i need a shower. i smell like beer and cigarettes (camel filters). i have to enroll in college today. i’m seeing madeline after enrollment. i owe it to the people giving the scholarships to show up smelling like an upstanding citizen. the problem: i think we’re out of shampoo. oh well, a little conditioner only never hurt anyone. aside from the fact that my hair is grossly greasy i’ll be fine.

ps. i want pj harvey’s new album.

salt lake city was a blast. i was a fucking ballot away from breaking and i went like 7-5. which sucks. i mean its good but its not good enough. i debated fairly well apparently though. and i’m almost 99% sure that the reason i dropped the 8th ballot that would’ve gauranteed a runoff round for me because i offended the judge. i said something along the lines of “civil disobedience gives the right wing ‘proof’ that the left wing is all a bunch of wackos.” and i was using it in the context of the same-sex marriage thing which is indeed a fueled-by-leftists movement and i also contend that the majority of civil disobedience is done by left wing people. but what-the-fuck. he didn’t need to drop my ballot just cos i misspoke once. in cross-examination no less. and besides that.. i did apologize for it multiple times and corrected myself (changed right wing to majority and left wing to minority). fuckers. i also believe i should’ve one first round hands down. but whatever. what can i do about that? goddammit. (this is me trying not to be bitter about what happened in high school).

maybe i’ll write about the touristy things later.

i find this to be an appropriate title for the entry as i need to address two issues. the first of which is that i finished reading the book sexual politics by kate millett today. it took me about 2 months cos i took a lot of long breaks… but i think it was worth it. it was really good and incited a revolution that already existed in me but still. i don’t really have much to say about it right now i guess. and i don’t really feel like talking about anything else. i’m sorry.

i got the newest Jay-Z album today. woh. it fucking rox0rz. really. it’s not like i’ve heard any of his other albums at all less the songs that they played on the radio when i listened to the radio… but this album is actually really good. i was afraid i’d just like 99 problems (which is still my favorite song on the album) but it has many close seconds. h00ray.

also, in my shopping adventure with steph i discovered a new outfit which was only 13 dollars (before tax.) it’s wonderful! its a little yellow skirt (emphasis on l i t t l e. but man. it’s all kinds of cute. it has zipper pockets along the side and it ties in the front and has two belt-loops that x (4 loops total i suppose plus the ones that are normal). its great. best part: size 7. my favorite part about boston: i got home and i’m not a size nine. second best part: $7.50. i (heart) cheapish clothes. (original price was probably around 39. because, you know, you’re buying so much fabric.) if jesse were here he’d comment that my vagina hangs out of it. lol. its okay though cos we both agree girls should wear more skirts like that.

in addition to the skirt… i got a salmony-pinkesque tank top that’s hella cute. and it looks cute with the skirt. and it was six dollars. actually, it was free because kohls is having a buy one get one free sale on certain items and steph’s shirt was 12 dollars but she couldn’t find anything else she liked so she let me pick out a shirt and we split the costs. h00rayness. now, i need to take my pink flip-flops to the carwash to spray the icky blackness out of the bottoms of them (i’ve heard it works).

after shopping i got to meet steph’s dad’s girlfriend and the hamster that belongs to stephanie j. who i used to know a long time ago but haven’t seen since she graduated. the hamster was awesome. it eats remote control buttons. although its not because its encouraged.

i also went to lexington to volunteer. which was fun enough. only about five ladies came to our tea which was beneficial as only two of the youth council people showed up. dammit. i hate it when they make me call these places and then no one comes and i look bad. that organization is so fucking unorganized. no wonder the damn mayor won’t give us any money. pfht. at least i had a good time. they tell such marvelous stories. clara is my favorite.

my parents took my brother, his friend jairo, and i out to dinner and a movie. we ate at coyote canyon. which means that i got to experience for the second day in a row the vast spoils of midwest americana. we also saw shrek 2. which was good for the second time.

i think i’m going to work on those boston photos. lol. also, i’m considering changing my voice message to a play on a jay-z song just cos i’m bored of the same old “hey this is jess leave me a message and i’ll call ya back”. how about “if you can’t get hold of me i feel bad for you son, i got 99 problems but taking your calls ain’t one”? lol. i think it would be absolutely amazing. but people wouldn’t believe they got my cellphone. mwah-haha.

for the record i would just like to point out the differences in my shoes and riley’s shoes. (so i editorialize a tiny bit but i swear they’re almost exactly like that.. also that the cheerleaders were forced to buy them in 7th/8th grade. if i were friends with any cheerleaders i would have them attest to that fact but last i knew there was still a ban on all things jess… a much appreciated one i might add.

i remembered what i really needed to blog about when i blogged earlier. (all 3 things). we’ll go in chronological order beginning with a: the loss of jarod.

jarod and i are not seeing each other right now because time did not allow us to see each other anyway. i haven’t seen the boy since last wednesday over lunch and to tell the truth next week is looking worse and then i’ll be in salt lake city and it seems that with his starting classes again on monday and both of our work schedules we’re just going to not be able to work. i’m a little sad about it because i’ve grown rather attached but i also think its probably for the best. i mean i’ve basically been in a relationship since 8th grade, despite the level of commitment i was willing to admit and i’m not really desiring to feel “tied down” right now. although the “Freer” i get the more i understand the 1984 concept FREEDOM IS SLAVERY.

now on to part b: the texas roadhouse.

today around 5ish josh and i went on a suggested date to the texas roadhouse (suggested shall be defined as: the tickets were part of a date package he won at prom but the only romance was in our mutual enjoyment of our surroundings). this restaurant is insane. in typical debate fashion i’ll go ahead and break it down into subheads that don’t exist in the real world.

little one: the peanuts. this place had peanuts everywhere, litterally. when you walked in the door there was a huge barrel (i’d say 40 gallons) that held peanuts. and you’re supposed to just walk in, eat them, and throw the shells on the floor. i don’t know why this is so but you definitely walk into a pile of peanut droppings. and i hate that part of peanuts (remember in 9th grade when kyle deshelled and deflakystuffed a pound of peanuts and i ate them in all of my classes along with a jar of derekjeter skippy peanut butter). so i was grossed out. then we walked to our table and i realized i was sliding all over the place due to the peanut shells. when we got to our table we were greeted by a bucket of peanuts. a bucket. tin. full of peanuts. again you take them from the bucket and throw the leftover parts on the floor. josh and i did not engage in such behavior but he did at one point throw a peanut onto the floor.

little two: rash patriotism. because we were first time visitors we were given an american flag for our bucket of peanuts. (need i say more?)

little three: the art. we were sitting under a painting of dwight d. eisenhower, kathleen sebelius, amelia earhart, and bob dole all playing poker… does it seem odd to anyone that they had sebelius gambling because it doesn’t me (insert story here: the other day i was driving and passed the young sebelius. he’s 19/20 and drives a cherry mazda miata. oh god. brian and i make fun of boys who drive mazda miata’s. its the only good side of the male female double standard). other art, pictures of ichabod sports and cheerleaders that are painted and a huge miller draft add with halfnaked girls in cowboy hats and they may have been riding a mechanical bull (or i may have been imaginging that).. i swear all i noticed was the blond chick’s freckly shoulders. and how cool that was. even freckly-shouldered girls get drunk and look hot in cowboy hats.

little four: the food. excellent. my steak bled.

little five: the line dancing. the waiters occasionally line dance. its amazing. truly.

i completely recommend this place. this is the kind of experience you would only get at a place called texas roadhouse. dont attend if you have a weak stomach.

this puts us at part c. the death of reagan.

i must admit i’m a little sad. i mean i didn’t like his presidency and its not like how i get when i think about when kennedy died but really, i’m a little sad. maybe its because he’s not taking reaganomics with him. ::glare::

okay. now i just have a general life question. Why is it that you only see people you don’t want to see after you’ve graduated high school? my god. some of them i didn’t even see when i was in high school and now i’m out and they’re around every corner. bitches.

how’s that for a fucking novel, dan?

i bought a rocking horse winner cd today. i needed something that sounded rilo kiley-esque and was only a few dollars. i also got new cheerleader shoes.. aka Trainers (sneakers to the non-brits). they’re wonderful converse and they’re not just like the cheerleaders shoes that riley owns but you know.. they’re close. so i feel all cheerleaderish. maybe its a disguise for me. because i like cheerleaders (that was me being sarcastic). shrug.

i need to write my LD cases now that i discovered NEG ground. w00t w00t. Neg Ground exists. this rocks. i better work on that.

i probably butchered the spelling of that but fuck it. i don’t speak german. and the world should just be happy i can pronounce it correctly. Boston rocked my face off. I had the most kickass time I’ve had in a while. I spent the majority of my time with my squad, Jesse/Amelia from E-town (plus Nick and Clay a little), and this John kid that i met from Pennsylvania. I also got to see the Silver Lake boys a lot. r0ck. we had a grand time and i’m so glad i know all of them. I’m being all sentimental but fuck it it’s my last damn tournament with some of them. although i will have the boys + Corey and all the other Flint Hills kids to keep me entertained in SLC. I’m so excited about SLC. It’ll be a grand time.

While I did exhaust myself to the point that I almost feel sick I also feel really refreshed. It was nice to be away from everyone. Not in a bad way. Just yeah. I needed to get out so I could collect myself. (of course i return to the same shit I left but you know.. there was really no escaping it was there?)

I’m so fucking tired of myself. i feel like i treat everyone so poorly. I really need to figure myself out and that doesn’t happen here (see also: in this life pattern, in this town, in this job, in this schedule, in this summer, in this house).

I’m sorry. But the Blog is all about the therapy. Look forward to new Boston pix in the photoLog.