you appear on a clear horizon
like a ship
approaching a beach
and i don’t recognize you at first
you’re too perfect,
though familiar.
then, i notice
the peace
that floods my stomach
while my eyes focus
on the object
of my affection;
slowly,
my brain connects
the pieces of me
that dream of you
when you’re away
to realize
your face.
you appear on a clear horizon
like a ship
approaching a beach
and i don’t recognize you at first
you’re too perfect,
though familiar.
then, i notice
the peace
that floods my stomach
while my eyes focus
on the object
of my affection;
slowly,
my brain connects
the pieces of me
that dream of you
when you’re away
to realize
your face.
the hallways,
in geometric formations,
like parts of a body
interlock
i find you
somewhere near
the assumed aorta
your eyes are hollowed out
circled
by rings and rings
of black
like the sky warning
there’s a storm coming
so take shelter elsewhere
you whisper
a returned pleasantry
and i am enamored
(if only for a moment)
by the twists and turns
of your cascadings
bottle-blonde hair.
i paint my fingernails
dark colors only
because it covers up the dirt
under my nails
a collection of so many dirts
and oils
from the backs of boys and girls
you couldn’t imagine
you can’t imagine
because you didn’t know me then
i tried to bite
and chew away the dna
leaving only flakes of dead skin
that belonged to me
using the edges
to collect my own blood
from every time i fucked (up)
i just keep trying
to bleed away the sadness
it never works
and i can’t imagine
i can’t imagine why…
our words
are the lines
we follow
as we recount
our histories
in so many memories
of lives we loved
and lives we lost
before
while we grow
like that path
so metaphorically redundant
or a building
with a foundation
that’s only now beginning
to dry
the birds
returned
from their winter
vacation,
chirping loudly
in the morning
when
the content
feeling
in my heart
was full,
i found it
emptier
than prior capacity
and
realized
the scars
and fears
of winter
will not
fade
or die of hope
in spring
under ice and snow words froze
inside my head
were so many little poems
aching,
as was i,
for some legitimization
by placement
on paper with pen
or on screen with fingers
while i ignored the push and
sated my palette
with alcohol and so
many little pills and
leaves in pipes
developed to keep me silent
to keep the world beautiful
in its ugliness
so the words did not have to do the work
while inside,
a flower wilted
waiting for the sunlight
of a spring rain’s breaking
to whisper life’s
return
if you ever found me
or knew me
or loved me
you would know this about me now:
i am not happier without you.
i am not more in love because you are not here.
i do not feel stronger with every step knowing you do not seek to step behind me
nor do i feel safer with every step knowing you do not seek to lead me
i do not feel.
if you find me
or know me
or love me
you would know this about me now:
it’s my own love
and words
and promises
i choke on in my sleep
for i could take it back
i could take back every word i’ve ever said
and leave you with a lie
affirming what you think we had
but that was not this
our love was
simply
one reality
in each of our lives
if you ever look for me
or come to know me
of fall in love with me
you will know this about me then:
every breath
belongs to her
in tribute.
how was your night?
your words break
from your lips
through the sleepy haze
that will justify this
to ourselves and others
in the afternoon
because i cannot explain
by myself
how drunkness
breaks down awkwardness
while two people
sleep too close
on a couch
for one
but i woke up feeling safe in your arms
knowing you never hurt me
nor would you ever get the chance
your news
crushes
secrets
i believed
and
told like lies
or
some drawn-out joke
where
as long as
the punchline
is a
punchline
it can’t be real
in so many
true-false confessions
i built
a reality
like a fortress
and hid behind it
until the bullets and bombs
of life
as other people live it
broke through
