Category: Poetry

fast asleep,
and remembering you
the curves of your body
and i suck my thumb,
little girl
never gonna grow up
(or get over it).
even though you told me
not to look.

maybe you were protecting me,
silent
warrior mother.

funny,
how nothing seems like the right thing
and am i therefore wrong,
what i did?

answering the phone
and saying hello to you.

until i see you, again,
and the same thing, again,
like its a reflex appatterned to a concert.
or maybe its a reflex for you and me.

my eyes slam shut
and in my head,
a nightmare replays
quickly.

think of this as my life flashing by:

i say “you can’t do this”
or maybe i said i.
or maybe i said we.
but you/i/we didn’t.

i may be unsure of so many things,
but it feels good to know:
i have power
over me.

yellow walls and blue ceiling,
feels just a room away.
scent is all we have
and such power: consumed.
blankets so warm, skin so cold
…so soft.

a comforting voice
rings bells over the phone
everything feels alright
even when everything is all wrong
everything feels just fine
…until i feel nothing.

the only memory i have is my heart breaking. i never believed that would be my last trip up your stairs.

her hair falls curly
her eyes are brown (crying)
her smile turned down (lips quiver)

but if you watch her feet (bounce)

a winter,
and you asleep
(so warm, so cozy)
shaking shoulders
stirred awake
(so sudden, so tired)
“look! look! outside!”

and the whole world
is fading to black and white
while you watch
your eyelids fall down
to escape the dreary
and your eyes roll
into the back of your head
to escape the dreary

a summer,
and me asleep
(so warm, so cozy)
shaking shoulders
stirred awake
(so sudden, so tired)
“look! look! outside!”

and the whole world
is blooming to life
while i watch
my eyelids fall down
to escape the living
and my eyes roll
into the back of my head
to escape the living

a fall,
and us asleep
(so warm, so cozy)
shaking shoulders
stirred awake
(so sudden, so tired)
“look! look! outside!”

and the whole world
is falling down
while we watch
our eyelids fall down
to escape the leaving
and our eyes roll
into the back of our heads
to escape the leaving

a spring,
and us awake
(so cold, so lonely)
shaking greymatter
concussioned asleep
(so sudden, so tired)
“look! look! outside!”

and the whole world
is alive
while we watch
our eyelids fall down
to escape the feeling
and our eyes roll
to the back of our heads
to ecape the feeling

yo
u(
we
coul
drol
lfo
rho
ur
s)
rb
ed

cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh
spit out your name again, its been so long
and you don’t realize you’re not the one
(on the tip of my tongue) you melt
like ch-ch-ch-chocolate and you’re forgotten
before even reaching my stomach
where i could never stomach you
after all the hell you’ve put me through.

you are virus,
i am paralyzed.
but from this cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh
coccoon i break free,
from you.

i started smoking again, today
to remember all of the cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh
creative ways you tried to sooth me
to cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh comfort me
so that you could only watch me die,
i couldn’t say that you were a mistake, but
my dear you could be

i quit smoking again, today
put the cigarette out on my arm
and the stinging ash burns less than you did
the tears in my eyes fall onto my face
but its from nicotine irritation
which is different from emotion
but living is just a cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh
chemical to you

my tongue finds and remembers you
in so many dirty ways,
days alone in my bedroom
and your bedroom and your couch
and all of the filthy places we could think of
but it was clean —
because i needed you just then

this time its dirty,
disgusting,
because i don’t need you
and you just want a way out
and i don’t want you at all

my eyes find you
(across a crowded room)
i must’ve promised you this
and its not quite awkward
and its not quite real

i don’t want you at all
i don’t even want you to want me
our eyes catch each others and then fall to lips
that curve into smiles,
this is real:
there’s a pact now.

all is forgiven,
all is forgotten.

i sleep at your fingertips
in a white room
with white sheets
and a white girl
(and nothing is as white as it seems)

you toss and turn at my arm
in a black room
with black sheets
and a black boy
(and nothing is as black as it seems)

our somber dance,
a criss-cross romance
we play the quiet game
i feel everything when you feel me
(i have no words to say)

two hands find each other
to pray for forgiveness and faith
i am not a faithful servant
i serve only faith, faithful to service
(not every sin is as easy as black and white)