Catching the clock

Jess on February 20, 2007

I have so much to say that I don’t even know where to begin. This is one of those blog entries which begins with a metablog on how and why i blog and how and why i’m bad at it, it seems. which is usually a sign that it will be a long one… but who is to say?

i guess the first thing i mean to blog about is my weekend. which was awesome, by the way. like seriously… i think it’s just the best weekend ever. my weekend starts on wednesday, if you didn’t know this. i had a manic episode. i’ll just be honest about that part because i think it’s important to get that out there. i hate manic episodes for several reasons…
1) i become completely irrational about consequences… as in, i know that my actions probably have consequences but i just can’t rationally think out what those consequences might be or why i’d be upset about them.
2) i become wholly stubborn and unmoving when it comes to my opinion about what it is i’m going to do. i guess this is because i can’t way consequences so my calculus even with other opinions still looks like a question “Should I do this thing?” with only one box to check “Yes”
Given that i think those boil down to the same reason… i’m just going to stop listing reasons, but there are others. I think that if I were ever to die as a result of my bipolar disorder, it’s more likely that it comes during a manic episode when i would convince myself of something truly insane. like that i could fly. but probably not that. probably like… that i could do infinity lines of coke in an hour. something like that. dumb. for the record, i’m not at much of a risk for that because i don’t do coke. i suppose i also don’t convince myself i can fly. ah, jess, this is so tangential.

so i have a manic episode and hopped a plane. some of this is because my mom called me a whore. i’ve since discussed it with her and it turns out that she didn’t call me a whore. she instead said that i was “whoring around” which is different. and i know that she actually meant it differently because it’s my mom. and we’re very semantical people. so that was that.

there is much more to this entry. but it’s not finished and i’m going to bed. so it’s censored for the time being. check back or something if it matters a whole bunch.
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Why won't you tell me what

Jess on January 28, 2007

Oh gee golly I’m bad at posting here, it seems. Probably because I’ve been bad at posting anywhere the past week or so. I really hate it when school starts frown because I have to do all of this homework and crap. In reality, I need school to fill my time with something other than sporadic drug use and random plans with friends.

Steve left for France yesterday. I think I was probably his last call before he left the country because I called him right before he started to turn his phone off. Fun! It was nice to talk to him and say goodbye and all that. I have these really bizarre posts about him that maybe deserve a little explanation: He’s an exboyfriend. Things ended terribly and i always wanted our friendship back but we couldn’t really be on speaking terms for a really long time. Things ended in July of 2005 and we sort of attempted to rekindle things in November of 2005 but given that I was unsuccessful in my attempt to leave my boyfriend, it didn’t work out. Then from like December-June I was just half-sorta-hung-up-on-him. In June, I had a conversation with our mutual friend about how we really couldn’t date again cos it would be a silly idea. and then in August we had a long, drunken conversation at a mutual friends’ party. In December of this year, he started reappearing online and we had good conversations that weren’t awkward. He asked to hang out sometime and between the time that we actually did hang out, he broke up with the girl he’d been seeing since January. I guess that is insignificant except that I think it cuts down on the awkwardness, at least for me. So we started hanging out. But he left for France a few weeks after we started which is really too bad. Anyway. That’s the story.

Life is strange. and this debate tournament is strange. I’m in St. Louis for the weekend. and it’s just… i guess.. Interesting, to say the least. I mean, I hate St. Louis as it is… but further there’s just so much that is/has happened at this debate tournament. It’s strange. I’m having a really good time at the tournament though. And I think it wasn’t the worst tournament for me ever. That’s a pretty charged statement, I would say. I just mean that we got out in Parli and that was nice. We haven’t done that as a team yet. Though it’s also like… it’s Webster. So what the fuck does breaking mean.

I broke out in hives last night. For the 5th time in two weeks. Ugggh. I think my body just doesn’t know what to do for stress now that I’m on all my anti-crazy pills. Suckage. Though I’m also about 100 percent sure that it has to be stress related and not anything else because I was crazy stressed out last night. What the hell. So I went to sleep at about 4 and had to wake up just before 8 to pack and get out of the hotel so that rounds could start at 8:30 and i could be there for them. Dammit.
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Decisions, decisions

Jess on January 12, 2007

I guess I had the decision made for me the other day and now it doesn’t really matter what I think about it. But at the same time, I have so much to say and think I feel really overwhelmed by it all.

I have my first appointment with my therapist today. I’m hoping that he’s a good one. I get worried about therapists because so much of the time I just avoid the major issues that were life issues which contribute now to my being depressed (etcetera) and talk about the little issues in my life which isn’t really the point. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in therapy now. I feel a lot less traumatized by those things which have happened. So I don’t know. I guess I’ll just tell him that.

I spent yesterday on a road trip to or in Lincoln, Neb. It was alright. Not my best roadtrip. But perhaps my most-needed time on the road. Sometimes I wish I could drive alone instead of just lonely sometime. Someday I will buy a car which is reliable.
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