mom bought me a keepsake board a few weeks ago and i affixed all of my medals to it today. now i can look at it and be all vain. except it mostly reminds me of all of my failures. i want a medal that says 1st place on the back of it after this season.
i’m in clipper. i’m done with my stories almost. i’m going to interview the foreign exchange student from thailand next week. its mostly because he’s buddhist although i’m not too sure that he’s anything so we’ll see and hope for the best (whatever that may be). bah. its been a longish day.
math took forever. like f0rever. but i got all of my games done and that was really the mostimportant part. i’m tired of it all. i want to go home and take a nap for a while.. but alas i work from 5:45 until 7:30 and then thomas and i are going out to a movie i think. mostly i’m just hella tired right now.
wasteland by francesca lia block came to my house. i’m so giddy. i think i’ll prolly read it over break if i have time. that’d be great.
now we’re debating if its okay to think its a good thing that the football team lost substate. i was upset that they lost but its not like i’m going to start caring. and they’re getting everyone all pissed off and yelling and i even went off on a “debators get no respect” tangent. i can understand why some of them are mad about what happened (a kid wore a Stillwell #1 shirt to school yesterday). but bah. just get over it. i like football.. and i support the team. but i like cross country and debate and stuff too… dammit.
i just finished reading my government. that is i read to some page number and then quit about 20 pages before the end. bah. it was so pointless. i’m just going to take the damn test tomorrow and then we’ll all be alright. i’m not worried about it. the way i see it.. i’ve been discussing presidential responsibility since i was like born. reading about it puts me to sleep.
also. i managed to get everything done that i needed done. rock. (and i changed my cursors to dinosaurs and they’re so cuddly. i
i put up the new layout and decided that i really like it a whole lot. now i’m watching the southparkathon and waiting for all the coke i’ve had today to quit making me awake. i have so much to do lately. it sucks.
this required a new entry: i qualified to state today. 4-1, 4-1, 2-4, 1-4. Rock rock. even my bad outings with novices counted. this is so hardcore. qualled to state AND schooled some novices. OH! Robert and Gabe got 4-1. i love those boys. i hope they debate again next year.
last night i dreamt that i had been kidnapped in the past and some cousins of mine (that aren’t really my cousins) had a time machine and went back in time to the day before i was kidnapped and had me move in with them so that i couldn’t get kidnapped the next day. anyway. they took me to a church that was really hardcore like it used to be. like so old school that worship was falling down on the sidewalks of the street and crying and speaking in tongues and then they would all go one pair at a time (of one male and one female) to a sanctuary to confess their sins and get forgiveness. my aunt and cousin went in to pray and i was fallen over in the street worshiping and we were in two lines and kind of in bundles and suddenly i was kissing the girl next to me. at first no one noticed because worshiping meant looking at the ground at all times but then this girl across from us looked up and saw us and then everyone just knew and started looking and encouraged us to go get my aunt out of the confessional and that we should go in immediately to abolish our sins and we were just like “this isn’t wrong.” and everyone went back to worshipping.
dreams are weird, yo.
ps. i’m reading crime and punishment (ugh). and pps. there’s a new layout coming soon.
yellow walls and blue ceiling,
feels just a room away.
scent is all we have
and such power: consumed.
blankets so warm, skin so cold
…so soft.
a comforting voice
rings bells over the phone
everything feels alright
even when everything is all wrong
everything feels just fine
…until i feel nothing.
the only memory i have is my heart breaking. i never believed that would be my last trip up your stairs.
a winter,
and you asleep
(so warm, so cozy)
shaking shoulders
stirred awake
(so sudden, so tired)
“look! look! outside!”
and the whole world
is fading to black and white
while you watch
your eyelids fall down
to escape the dreary
and your eyes roll
into the back of your head
to escape the dreary
a summer,
and me asleep
(so warm, so cozy)
shaking shoulders
stirred awake
(so sudden, so tired)
“look! look! outside!”
and the whole world
is blooming to life
while i watch
my eyelids fall down
to escape the living
and my eyes roll
into the back of my head
to escape the living
a fall,
and us asleep
(so warm, so cozy)
shaking shoulders
stirred awake
(so sudden, so tired)
“look! look! outside!”
and the whole world
is falling down
while we watch
our eyelids fall down
to escape the leaving
and our eyes roll
into the back of our heads
to escape the leaving
a spring,
and us awake
(so cold, so lonely)
shaking greymatter
concussioned asleep
(so sudden, so tired)
“look! look! outside!”
and the whole world
is alive
while we watch
our eyelids fall down
to escape the feeling
and our eyes roll
to the back of our heads
to ecape the feeling
i got new tires on BB which was a really good thing. then i had a slight speeding problem for the rest of the day because she drives so well and handles amazingly. its nice.
last night i dreamt i went to emporia with some guy. it was strange. cos i don’t really remember what was going on but i was going to see amelia and she didn’ty know that i was going shrug. i miss her a lot were both so busy anymore that we never get to talk.
lacey’s mac is having an identity crisis: first, it couldn’t find the finder so we took it to blackman who opened it and was like “rawr rawr i’m mr. blackman” and started it and it worked (it always works for him. HE’S A WITCH but its as yet undetermined if he floats or not). then, we brought it back and now it won’t find the server… i told lacey that perhaps she was too far away.. but that doesn’t appear to be fixing it. cos now she’s in front of me and i’m getting a good connection. maybe technology is out to fight her. oh well. we’re writing essays all hour. and i’m not really doing mine. although i formatted it properly and wrote the beginning of the first paragraph and now i’m trying to figure out what’s going on. cos i don’t really have any idea. she finally got it to work. 3rd computer hah. they hate her.
now we’re eating cheerios that are totally delicious. i love them. although we feel like horses (she does) and i feel like a troll because of how we eat them. mm.. i want to go home.
actually, i need to go home. i haven’t taken my medicine in a long time. because i’m horrible about remembering it. and i feel sooo much better when i’m on it.. i don’t know why i’m not. anyway. i’m at the point in not taking them where i’m just horribly depressed all the time and i never want to get out of bed or do anything but just die. all the time. and everytime anyone talks to me i get defensive and then i start crying so i get angry and then i just want to be at home. that’s all. mostly i want to cry. a lot .
i got an 87 on my last government test (cries. lacey said something along the lines of “ah jess…” and i got defensive, started crying (inside), then got angry and i think i got over it this morning. belh. who knows. anyway. i’m happy with the grade. i have a 92 percent in the class and ithink that’s at least a start… i got an A on my pronoun test in AP English though. and a 100 percent on my ap calc test. rock on.
tiffany just said fuck. that was so cool.
