Author: Jess

it came. the digital camera arrived via delivery today and unfortunately i was not home to get it so i have not been able to play with it and now i have to wait until christmas. my whole life could be put on hiatus until i get that camera.

i’m going to start going to bible study with clayton and kyle. when it starts up again after break. i think it might be good for me. the only thing i’m worried about is not having time because i don’t have time for anything but i hear that youth council is disbanding and if that happens then i should have a whole lot more time. and the beginning of a semester is always at least a little easier than the end. bah.

i got An Unfinished Life in the mail yesterday. i’m excited about starting that. maybe i’ll finsih tess of the durbervilles tomorrow so that i can get started reading whatever i want to read. hmph. i’m slightly disappointed in my independent study. but i think i’m taking another next year. probably on writing. i want to work on a short story (or some short stories). i need something to SHOW for myself. bah. i have so much to do.

i started crying in math today. that was kinda not cool. but i wasn’t paying attention to claytons presentation (sorry kiddo) and so i had all of this idle time and i started thinking about stinky and how she used to dance and sleep and she was always so happy when she was awake and i just started crying. i ended up going to the counselor but on the way there mrs. manning talked to me and asked what was wrong and everyone is just so nice and understanding about it. my teachers/counselors are really great. just really really great. all of them.

they put stinky to sleep tonight. its so sad. i mean she didn’t suffer, and that’s really good, and i’m sure its better this way. she couldn’t eat and she could barely walk. she was just so old and sick. i’m still really sad though and i just need someone to hold me, and i always seem to get in unneccessary debates when i’m upset like this. i want someone to tell me it’ll be okay and hold me while i cry. but i don’t like it when people touch me when i cry.

i’m working on a bloggers and readers code of ethics that i’m going to post on the main page of this domain. i’m also considering moving the blog to a seperate website. a subdomain or something. we’ll see what i decide to do later. i’m still unsure.

i started copying for forensics today. that’s the best. and clipper got done by like 8:30. that’s a good thing too. the government test i was worried about i pulled an 84 percent on after the essay. r0ck.

i really want to make my “most beautiful songs ever” and “songs to sleep to” mix tapes. it sounds like it would be a good idea. now if only i had time to just sleep… tsk tsk.

the sats went relatively well. i feel confident as to my performance on them. i can never tell though. i just need to be happy that i found my drivers license so i could actually take them. and tutu spent the night before them so that was fun talking to him and having someone to show up with. peaches and trevor were there too.

my digital camera is shipping finally. as soon as it gets here i’m naming it.. so far my hardware (et al.) is named adara, bb, celeste, dinah, and i need another one. yay for the camera. i’m so elated about the whole ordeal.

i bought three books of nietzche the other day as well as the marx-engels reader. if i’m a communist by the end of next semester i apologize. i really doubt it will work out that way. this will be JUST like vegetarian.

my laptop is currently awol. i don’t know what its problem is but i do believe that it will have to be sent back to hp to get fixed. this sux0rz really really bad. i think i’d be alright (the desktop is working) except that the thing has my essay for chamberlain on it and my second chances are never half as good. suck. that’s all it is.

my mood has been far from stable this week. i’ve mostly just been really tired and in a sort of daze the whole time. i’m not really sure why that is.. just that it’s happened. it really isn’t cool.

case in point, tuesday: tuesday i spent my whole afternoon driving to best buy and wanting to die. i guess i didn’t want to die on the way there but really. i was just like “jess. die.” and that was it. now because i’m generally good at talking myself out of these things (what happens to the people you care about, what about erik, what about madeline, what happens when you’re dead and the college letters keep going to your parents and they have to deal with that, what about your brother, what about your life, what about your future, what about how stupid and immature that is. why are you acting this way?) now on that particular daymy psyche was counteracting with “wtf, shut up.” and that’s not cool but i ended up deciding that i should give it another day or 9 and then talk about it with someone if i haven’t gotten better.

wednesday: i was walking out of the school (well down the west hall) and i talked about our math assignment with mrs. manning and i talked to lacey about the student concert and i had just finished talking to mrs. chamberlain about books and how great they are and then i walked by riley’s room and saw all of our decorations and realized that i have really amazing teachers and that it can really only get better from there.. my life is totally worth living and i think that i really have always known that. sometimes i just forget. i got to the west work room and was like “fuck jess, what if you were gone and didn’t have this.” and realiuzed i should quit being so damned self-centered all the time and think about how i can benefit other people. its hard to not see my impacts you know. its just.. meh. life. it sucks sometimes. but sometimes its really good.

like speeding down the highway at 10 under the speedlimit because i’m so busy trying to decide which of many was the happiest moment of my life to get to the point where i remember to press the gas. that’s something that makes everything worth it.

i visited creighton yesterday. i love it. maybe i’ll write more about that later. right now its just important that i want to go there REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY bad. (tooooooooooootally)

i’m reading tess of the d’urbervilles (which is so good in that mushy, i love you sort of way) and crime and punishment. while not the weirdest combination, this has to be up there with it. although its not so bad because at least its virtually impossible for me to get story lines confused. hah.

i’m thinking abut emailed tatyana sometime. i kind of miss her.

x 3m0 cHix0r: hey there
MillaIceIceBaby: hey
x 3m0 cHix0r: howre you?
MillaIceIceBaby: im alright, ive been busy as hell
x 3m0 cHix0r: me too
MillaIceIceBaby: jess… i owe you an apology
x 3m0 cHix0r: why?
MillaIceIceBaby: i havent been a good friend, I was having a tough time in my life, and i let that take priority over other people…. i havent been trying to avoid you, I know it seems that way, but i do care about you, i just have been busy
x 3m0 cHix0r: its okay. i understand. as long as you knew i’d always be here to talk to you about whatever you need to talk about then that’s whats important. i’ve found myself to be distant and unemotional as of late anyway.
MillaIceIceBaby: i know, but it really isnt ok, I know what it feels like to be, kind of ignored and its not good … and i wouldnt want you to feel that way ever
x 3m0 cHix0r: well were you doing it intentionally?
MillaIceIceBaby: no, i just got busy, but it still happened that i didnt try as hard as i should of
x 3m0 cHix0r: well then i understand that. i’m in over my head a lot. especially lately.
MillaIceIceBaby: ok, good, so we are alirght?
x 3m0 cHix0r: yah of course.
x 3m0 cHix0r: i dreamt about emporia the other night.
MillaIceIceBaby: really?
x 3m0 cHix0r: yah there was a forensics tournament or something and anna was there but they like wouldn’t let her inside because she wasnt on the squad or something.. and then she like took over. i don’t really remember the details too well.
MillaIceIceBaby: lol werid
MillaIceIceBaby: well kid im off to do some homework… call me sometime ok?
x 3m0 cHix0r: okay i will. talk to you later.

sometimes i miss her you know. like shes on that list of people i never got that i wanted and i think it really pisses me off that she wanted me so bad and then we kissed and she was just like “arugh. nevermind.” and i know theres something that had to have caused her to be that way and i don’t know what it is and it just makes me sad. but i don’t know what i’m sad about cos i don’t regret giving in. she’s just such a cool girl.

so i picked up a digital camera. its by kodak. cx4310. i can’t wait until it comes in. whee. i don’t get to open it till christmas but i can look at it longingly when its still in the box.

thomas took me out for ribs today and then i got sick. i hate sickness. but i’m better (and at work) now.

i just finished watching my first mister. it has leelee sobieski in it and it was really good. however duncans incorecctly labled it as a comedy. when it was very much a drama. i would’ve rented it no matter what it was but i was still all teary the whole thing because of it. i just bawled and bawled and bawled. oh well. i think it was good for me. i need to cry more.

last night i called madeline back and talked to her for like 45 minutes, but before that i talked to her mom for about 20 minutes and we talked about how madeline is doing and how i’m doing and i cried about it for a while because this so incredibly hard. its just terribly difficult to deal with and i don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. like there’s lacey and stephanie that would talk to me about it and i know that but its like i know that they’d say “well she wasn’t good for you because…” and i don’t want to hear any of that. i just want to ignore it and pretend that all of this can just go away. like itll just magically get better one day or something. but instead i’m just blocking it out, pretending she doesn’t exist. pretending that none of it ever happened—that nothing bad ever happened. in fact, i think last night talking to karen was the first time that i’ve really really cried about it since it happened. i’ve been too busy trying to pretend that everything is just alright for me to get anything really accomplished along the lines of getting over it. or getting anywhere in regards to it. its just really sucky. but it was good to actually talk about it.

happy thanksgiving everyone.