Author: Jess

i got a 1310 on my SATs. i wanted a 1330 or better. psh. 640 math 670 verbal. which is strange cos i really thought math would be higher. blast.

and thomas, you do not run google. i’m sorry to break it to you.

i’ve never seen anyone like a christmas present more than robert liked his. he put on his ninja costume right away and then put on the underwear. that was the scariest thing ever. heaing “look at his package!” is not exactly what i wanted to happen. yikes! it was funny though. he lost one of his ninja death stars by the end of class. ooh! and neiman’s new digital camera came. it was so cool. i really can’t wait to get mine.

i tried to call madeline tonight but she didn’t answer so i think i will try her again tomorrow. i’m just so scared everyone i know is going to die. and that would kill me if she was just gone and i couldn’t talk to her anymore. but i don’t feel like its my place to call cos i said i would do whatever she needed me to do.. i don’t know. i’m just scared about it. cos i care about her so much. and i really think care is more of an epithet than anything else. i’m just sad. she’s meant so much to me in the past and now we’re not speaking.. its hard. its hard to know that if i wanted to pick up the phone to call her i couldn’t. i’m scared she didn’t answer on purpose.

i slept for 13 hours last night. do you have any idea how nice that felt? it was great. and i had some finals that went well today. it was very happy.

i’m getting better about michelle. i’ve still cried every day for the past week but the crying isn’t as violent anymore. mckeithan’s having a dinner for her tomorrow night at jeff west and i’m going to that. i think it’ll make me feel a lot better. it should help to be around other people that are going through it also.

tonight i got to meet my penpal from Youth Council. she was really cute. although she was kind of shy and i get nervous around little kids.. it was still nice to meet her. she lives by thomas. how crazy is that? “its a small world after all… its a small world after all” “stop that! anything but that!” “nooobody knows the trouble i’ve seen… nobody knows my sorrows..” “growl” hehe. lion king = rox0rz.

i know i’ve hurt you but you’ve hurt me too and i need you right now.

madeline called and i talked to her about it. i really think i’m just shocked because i’m not used to death and especially when its someone that’s so young that i knew. i’ve never experienced ANYTHING like this before. but coming home and crying all afternoon felt good. really. and i’m glad that madeline called because i really needed to talk to someone and she is (still and always) one of the few people i can really open up to when i need to. i feel bad that i haven’t talked to her in so long though. its like i’m so busy that i never talk to anyone and i feel bad that she’s on a back burner. but she’s in good company there. cos everything is there for me right now. (overwhelmed much?)

i got a scholarship letter from ksu today … they’re awarding me $3250 for my first year and 1250 for every year after that.. so that’s good news. i just need to pick a major. mwah-hah. mom’s happy about it. i’m still in shock about everything. but its nice to know that i could go to college and not bankrupt myself next year. psh.

i just found out that this girl that i knew died in a car accident yesterday afternoon. she was a debator at jeff west, the other high school mckiethan coaches. i was in french class and jamie and sara said that a girl they worked with was in a car accident and died and that it was tim rassmusson’s girlfriend.. i asked who she was and they said “michelle.. trax..” and i was like “traxler? oh god.” and then i just stood there stunned for a really long time. i don’t know her that well but we travel together to state and stuff and she was going to be going to that in january. and i know that mckeithan knows all of those kids about as well as he knows all of us and so i’m worried about him cos that is an incredibly terrible thing to go through. and its hard for me and i didn’t know her that well. anyway i just started crying in riley’s class as soon as i found about it (well, after the shock wore off) and then i got all of my stuff ready and went to the counselors where i cried for a while and then decided that i should go home. i called dad and told him he just needed to come get me and that i would explain what was wrong when he got there so he came up to the school and i told him what happened on the way home. its all over the news.. which i think is the worst part.. because she’s just “meriden girl age 17 dies..” blah blah and she’s not just a meriden girl.. she was a debator too. and she was really nice. like she’s one of the two jeff west people i actually like to be around and the only one that i could handle being around for more than a few minutes. i don’t know. its just.. so weird. and i think that a lot of the problem is that it makes me mortal. and i feel really guilty. like why should i eat when she can’t and why should i cry when she can’t and why should i smile and why should i do anything. i just want to lie there and hope that its all a bad dream. like maybe i can wake up and it won’t be real. but at the same time i know that it is real and there isn’t anything i can do to change it. its just so.. arhg. i don’t know what to do about it. or about how i feel. i think i might try to call kandy cos she knew her and understands me a little. until then i’m just waiting i guess until i feel better.. but honestly. its just so hard to deal with and i don’t know what to do or what to do with myself and i feel even worse for all of the people at her school that knew her well and trying to deal with that. i really don’t like death. especially when people around me die. i’m not really afraid of my own death but when people i know are dying around me its scary. like it could happen to someone really close to me at any time. i don’t know. and after the dog it feels like everything is dying this week.

meriden teen killed in crash.

i’m going to go cry some more. if someone reads this and would like to call because i really really really need someone to talk to right now.. go ahead.. if you have the number.

i’m mostly done with what i needed to do tonight. i have to write class journals though and those really suck. and levi and sam are slightly at odds right now.. but i think they’ll be okay now that i took their bone and glue stick away from them. crazy dogs… bah.

i actually got a lot accomplished tonight.. i have like the dividers part of my calc notebook to do and i have to finish my novel project but i’m over halfway done.. also i have to finish my biography project but i’m mostly done with that i just need to put the ideas on paper and rehearse a little. i finished my tess poem and my cry the beloved country poem.. so yah i think i did really well tonight. i’m happy. i feel like if i put my mind to something i could get it done.

there is also a new i&p layout.