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the weekend
i went to church again today. it wasn’t as big of an ordeal as it was last weekend. i’m mostly just tired tonight (after 9 accounted for hours) and i have clipper layout tomorrow night so that means i’ve gotta do all of the sleeping tonight. rox0r.
gristle
cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh
spit out your name again, its been so long
and you don’t realize you’re not the one
(on the tip of my tongue) you melt
like ch-ch-ch-chocolate and you’re forgotten
before even reaching my stomach
where i could never stomach you
after all the hell you’ve put me through.
you are virus,
i am paralyzed.
but from this cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh
coccoon i break free,
from you.
i started smoking again, today
to remember all of the cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh
creative ways you tried to sooth me
to cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh comfort me
so that you could only watch me die,
i couldn’t say that you were a mistake, but
my dear you could be
i quit smoking again, today
put the cigarette out on my arm
and the stinging ash burns less than you did
the tears in my eyes fall onto my face
but its from nicotine irritation
which is different from emotion
but living is just a cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh-cuh
chemical to you
head hands heart
your face seems unsure in that moment and i wonder why, perhaps there is a story that you’re not telling or i’m not admitting. there are truths that are self-evident and truths that are self-denied. we both find this truth to be evident and denied at the same time with no clear border drawn to seperate the two. any philosopher could plainly see with no shoulds or oughts that you and i are completely unseperated: infact-wemaybe-together-eveninthought. what if, what if, what if. not if but when.
dream sequence
okay. i had a weird dream last night that i’m going to go ahead and write down what i remember about it. i was hanging out with ***, this girl i know. and we were walking around my house and mom didn’t know that she and i were together but we were (apparently) and we kinda held hands when we were walking in the halls and stuff and then we were in mom and dad’s bedroom sitting on the bed and just talking and all of a sudden i kissed her. it was short and close-mouthed but it was really weird. cos she’s not anyone i ever have or ever will have feelings for (straight girl) but i really don’t know what it was all about. i think that it was because she’s kinda someone i’ve just recently gotten close to and she’s like an example to me. maybe i kind of want to be like her, though not really. also i’m pretty sure she fits into a good example of other relationship storylines i’ve been dealing with lately. i guess i understand it more now but it was still really weird.
i thought about it today in english when we were talking about dreams and what they mean. i thought about that dream right away because it obviously didn’t just mean whatever like some dreams too.. it had symbolic representation in my life. but then i thought about all of the dreams i’ve had about clayton (lets just group them all together…argh) and i realized that maybe i just thought that because he was the one that always held me in my dreams that he would be the best person to hold me in real life. (big epiphany. right there in english) but then i realized that that probably isn’t true. because the truth is that i don’t usually have dreams that just mean nothing. they’re usually big and weighed by whats on my mind. while it should be said that i don’t usually have 5 dreams in a row about the same person.. i think that there were things that were on my mind at that time and stuff. like i just want someone to be there. but i also (post the girly-girl comment and analyzing what he said and how he was right about a lot of things) i came to the conclusion that person isn’t going to be him. instead, i should just realize what i do have with him .. he’s a great guy, a great friend, and he’s one of the few males in my life (erik’s one too) that i can talk to about my relationships and feel like he provides some insight into what the other person might be thinking. so that’s what i want right now. even if it took a chamberlain discussion for me to finally get it.. i’ve got it now. (what i got was why it didn’t upset me as much as i thought it might)
its the hardest thing
laci went to her new home today. i was really sad about it. i cried a lot and just held levi. levi seemed to be okay but i wasn’t. other than that my day was pretty good. i have a new clamor layout almost ready to go. its scooby doo.
forgive and forget
my tongue finds and remembers you
in so many dirty ways,
days alone in my bedroom
and your bedroom and your couch
and all of the filthy places we could think of
but it was clean —
because i needed you just then
this time its dirty,
disgusting,
because i don’t need you
and you just want a way out
and i don’t want you at all
my eyes find you
(across a crowded room)
i must’ve promised you this
and its not quite awkward
and its not quite real
i don’t want you at all
i don’t even want you to want me
our eyes catch each others and then fall to lips
that curve into smiles,
this is real:
there’s a pact now.
all is forgiven,
all is forgotten.
the quiet game
i sleep at your fingertips
in a white room
with white sheets
and a white girl
(and nothing is as white as it seems)
you toss and turn at my arm
in a black room
with black sheets
and a black boy
(and nothing is as black as it seems)
our somber dance,
a criss-cross romance
we play the quiet game
i feel everything when you feel me
(i have no words to say)
two hands find each other
to pray for forgiveness and faith
i am not a faithful servant
i serve only faith, faithful to service
(not every sin is as easy as black and white)
its a snow day
i’ve felt shitty all day. like i just want to cry. in fact, i spent most of second hour (debate) in tears. mckeithan was nice about it though. it wasn’t his fault i’m just so frustrated and i’ve been bottling it up all season. i actually WANT forensics to start. i just hate it feeling so helpless all the time. my BESt records are 2-3 and 1-4 right now. (fvck).
i got home to find out that ku doesn’t have my transcript yet which turned out to be okay because scholarship deadline isn’t until february 15 which is good because if i didn’t get that in and didn’t get any scholarships and didn’t get any money then i wouldn’t get to go to ku. not that i know where the hell i wanna go anyway.. right now i just want to live to see next week. (or the weekend, which should be good.)
i hate how manicdepressive i can be. i really really need to take my medication and be good about doing it. that’s my november resolution. cos i can go alright for a few weeks without it and then i’m all moodswings and headaches, dizzy spells and etc. it bites. yesterday i was manic to the point that i couldn’t sleep and then the anxiety took over and then i was sad and then i woke up this morning sad and i’ve been sad all day. riley gave me some chocolate though and that cheered me up. rock the fuck on. i got coke from mcdonalds too.. and told robert that i love him through the mcdonalds drive through window.. hahahahah. today he said something exactly like my brother would say and i thought it was funny because they are sooo alike. its creepy.
on the bright side, i got my calc done almost completely (less #53) in class today, i have my stories completely finished and layout isnt even until a few weeks from now, and uher. oh yah, its beautiful outside. all rain and clouds and sky and fall trees. maybe i’ll webcam it. its just so. polaroid.
to talk about
this is too weird.