(choke) hold
slowly i fade into you. pink cheeks, white flesh, brown eyes, mahogany hair, black shirt, blue jeans. you smudge around the edges. a slow hand holds me down until i can’t breathe and i want to die, i don’t want to breathe. i come up gasping for air.
conflict
the brown in your eyes
isn’t enough to cure
the breaking of this heart
maybe it was broken all along
(from the beginning,
when there was just me—
without a history)
as the battle in my brain
destroys my skin,
(marring it slowly with pink marks
like flags of countries
sickening bodies that have claimed me
i’m just a little girl)
the battle in my heart destroys you.
this fight is going to be a long one
its hard and i’m unrelenting
the sound of my last scream could be deafening
and a world without love would be sickening.
fight, please.
pretty girls make graves
i spent the weekend debating or with thomas. proved to be bad and good. on the way to emporia i talked to kandy about everything and she mostly made fun of me and made me turn red a lot, but in that good way. hah. anyway. we just talked a lot and then on the way back i wanted to get to topeka fast and we didn’t get here till like 8:30 so i went to thomas’s house and we watched rushmore which is such a hilarious movie. i love it to bits.
i got home kinda late.. a little after curfew cos mom wouldn’t answer the phone and i needed to pick up devon but i didn’t know where he was or if i really needed to pick him up so then i just came home & went to sleep. i woke up at 5:30 or so for the tournament and went to the school and then the tournament (long drive) and ended up 0-5 for the weekend. i hated it. nothing has upset me more than that and until rafferty, or all people, said something that was relayed to me and cheered me up i really just wanted to hide and cry because if feel like such a failure and i hve to just keep telling myself i don’t suck but i’m so terrified that its me that’s bad. i don’t know. maybe it is. i was just so.. :'( and i still am when i really think about it.
after the tournament we had steak with bill and went hot-tubbing which was fun except i think i was more cooked than the steak and it meant that i had to sleep on wet hair (= wet pillows) that night. i was SO tired i was incoherent by the time i was laying down. i had a good time, the steak was yummiful and bill was fun. it just sucks that i have a curfew thats like 11:30. oh well. next year = no curfew at all and i can handle waiting.
this morning i went to church, which is a whole seperate entry i think but i’m going to put it in this one just because its the weekend story entry. so i went to church with thomas and for the most part didn’t suffer from any huge “oh gosh i don’t fit in here” moments.. the only thing that was weird was communion. because i kind of have a tradition of not taking communion because i just don’t think i should until i know where my place in the whole “god” thing is. and i don’t know what that is right now so trying to force myself to fit into it or to “taint” the system by participating in a ritual like that would be fairly hypocritical and i just don’t think that i’m where i should be in my life to take part in communion. so that was alright. although i freaked out before communion. that whole “what am i going to do, should i take it? i wouldnt’ take it in a catholic church.. why would i take it here? i just don’t know. what if i have to what if people look at me funny what if what if what if” and then when it came around i just didn’t and no one really seemed to look at me funny but i still thought that perhaps i should have justified myself. i guess as long as i’m comfortable and sure of what/why i didn’t take it then its okay that i didn’t. and i don’t feel bad about not taking it and i think i would feel bad or at least weird if i did.
after church we went to lunch which was yummy (although i was forced to drink pepsi. blechkhjf.)
post-lunch/church i went to a meeting for youth court plea bargains and was an hour early so i went to pts and had some cappuccino, yummy. the meeting itself took like 20 minutes which was nice cos i got to get devon and get home. yay for home!
i’ve been here ever since. i told madeline about thomas tonight. and then i’ve been listening to old mp3s and being sad mostly kind of. because its just hard. and i care about her so much and i love her so much but i just don’t think us being together is going to work right now. i resent her for making me promise to stay and then leaving. and i think i would hold it all against her for a while. and a few weeks ago when i told her i wanted to work things out and she said that she didn’t think that we could i gave up.
i think i’ve been pretty bipolar this weekend. in the teenager, not the mental disorder, way.
(and add too!) i heard from baker. that rox0r3d. i got a new s/n too. x 3m0 ch1x0r so im me there from now on (aim). i like it cos 1337 is sooo funny.
back
your back curves slightly in front of me and i remember you and the angle of your form that i prefer more than any other — the curve of your back. maybe you’ve been excersizing, or something. maybe i’ve just forgotten it. maybe i’ve forgotten you. maybe i’ve forgotten everything. then. slam crash boom. i remember it, you, everything.
peacefullness is a burial shroud as i realize my favorite view of you is when you walk away.
solved
i’m writing math papers at the library now. lets have a show of hands for who thinks this sucks. ::raises both hands:: okay. now that that’s settled. instead of actually researching (which i’ll get too) i just fixed some templates on the site. apparently i hadn’t redone the comments template (silly me)..
layouts and math contests oh my
we got 46 points out of 70 something possible in the team test. go us. i’m in the esu student union right now stealing free internet. but its not like anyone cares. i ate like 6 buffalo wings. those are so good. even though i don’t really understand them. i mean. is it a small chicken? is it part of a part of a chicken. how do they do that? its yummy though and thats what matters. this shall forever be remembered as jess’s is tuna chicken moment. maybe its just a jessica thing.
for halloween i’m totally going to be a girly girl. i can’t wait. (except i can) i’m going to wear makeup and a skirt (AND SHAVE MY LEGS!) with that shirt. and heels. with panty hose maybe. ::hisses:: it’ll be the scariest thing ever. thomas talked about being a metrosexual to counteract my girly-girlness it’ll be a good time.
i’m going to run off now. but i thought id actually announce the new layout because i like it a lot. and also. it appears that its only 1024×768 compliant. but people that still use 800×600 are n00bz anyway.
(don’t tell anyone, but i said noob in conversation today. ::goes to bathroom , shoots self::)
love me, love me
msn comes through again. another good article on how to love a geek. however, i think that i’m more the geek than the girlfriend that needs to learn to cope. i mean. and that article about giving them space for their computers is crap… if my SO has funner toys than i do.. i’m going to be standing over their shoulder saying “oooh” a lot. not hiding from the models. and i think models are fun.