home
we got them. i’m home.
i scheduled a campus visit for the same day as al franken with thomas. i’m excited. a day of man-happenin. hahahaha.
return
we’re going to wisconsin to get them back. its all set up, we just have to get them.
on a happy note, thomas and i went out tonight and saw finding nemo. it rocked so hard. i had a really good time which took my mind off of all the shitty things that’ve happened lately. arugh. i say really good as if it wasn’t great. i had a great time tonight. there.
although the cheap theater parking lot smells so strongly of pot. (cheap theaters = drugs? no way!)
nothing left to say
i think they’re going to put levi and laci down. the new owners left them alone with their old dog and they got into a fight and the old dog got killed. what dumbfucks people are. i mean honestly. why would you leave a new dog along in your house with your old dog. let alone one that’s as protective of his sister as levi is. tschus. and poor laci didn’t do it i’m sure. cos she’s so passive. and they’re both so scared and timid all the time. i don’t know. its so terrible. i just keep crying and i have to be awake in like 5 hours and i’m just so sad. i can’t do anything. and i don’t feel like fucking debating after this goddamit. what am i supposed to feel like doing? its so sad. and terrible. and all i can think about is how casey died. that’s all i can fucking even think about and i just want to cry and not think about it. i just want it to go away or change or something. its not fair. i hope we can get them back. i think i’m going to vomit.
sandalwood
the silence breaks softly
as the wind carries my voice away
with your name sitting softly on it
you bring me to my knees
although you, i. not we.
as the butterflies whir
above us in the clouds
i hear you tell me stories
that i believe
do you remember?
you turn to whispers at the end
and close your lips,
tightly kissing me
and hold me close.
with no mention of sandalwood.
it makes me ill
i think i’m getting sick. i’ve been watching cnn or running errands all day. actually i spent some of the day wishing i had errands to run but it was okay. now i’m watching cnn. cnn rocks my face off.
Sleep (pass the hours)
When i’m awake
I want only to sleep
When I’m asleep
I want only to die
Don’t wake me up
I’m sorry for this
I’m sorry for all of this
The calling
The crying
The yelling
The talking
The kissing
The reading
I wish i’d never heard your voice
(heard it say, “i just don’t know.”)
but I don’t wish i never kissed you
I wish i’d never heard your heart
(skip a beat at the sight of someone else)
I wish i’d never fallen
(out of a love so deep, but i haven’t fallen out)
I’m still so in i’m dying.
And I sleep.
To pass the hours.
And I die.
To pass the sleep.
Don’t wake me up.
Don’t wake me up.
But I am awake,
in a nightmare.
Alive in reality, escaped!
(from the dream of you).
Kill me
Kill me
Kill me
plot. sub plot.
you grab my heart with your hands
and your finger tips rest uncomfortably near my hands
and you look into my eyes, like they’re a window to my soul.
we get colder and colder
you warm me up
i kind of wish that you’d warm me up.
two years is a long time to pretend
it would’ve been a year today. i’m pretty upset, came home sick from school, slept all afternoon. don’t know what to do. i’m fragmented. and i’m sad. but i think i’m alright. i just wish we could be civil. because we’re apparently incapable of that and i told her that i think we maybe just need to grow up a little (meaning that our relationship is probably not something either of us are ready for) and i think she meant that i thought she needed to grow up and that’s not what i meant so then she was just like “bye” and hung up before i could stop her and i just cried a whole bunch and didn’t call her back because i just kept crying. its not fun.
on a happier note. i think thomas and i are gonna go to al franken on nov 7. (yay!)
last night i dreamt that someone was trying to kill me.
on god and love
i went out with thomas yesterday and we ended up at the park before i finally got up the nerve to quit blindly driving around and actually spit out what i’d brought him there to talk about (god god god). it turned out to be a really good conversation that i think i took a lot from and it helped with a lot of my confusion. the best part though was when he talked about love and i realized that love does exist and maybe what i’ve had with so many other people wasn’t love by any further definition than that word. i just felt a lot better about a lot of things. and that was alright.
i’m thinking about pulling a novice up this weekend.
i went to mallory’s party after being out with thomas and spent some time there. i talked to rachel who is apparently pentacostal and she talked about why she believes what she believes and explained alot about apostolic religion. i think that i learned a lot there too. and i’m pretty sure that particular faith isn’t exactly right for me but i’m glad that she fits in in a church.
we had to go to mass today (bad) i just sat there the whole time trying to figure out why catholicism is such a religion of tradition. not that i oppose catholicism or anything because i kind of was for a long time and again i think people should just worship how they feel most comfortable worshipping but i really don’t understand confirmation. i kept asking mom if i was invisible. and she kept shushing me and i kept telling her it was okay if i talked because i was invisible. good time. except i was bored out of my mind.
after mass we went to the reception thing and told tyler way-to-go (and his saints name is thomas. ::giggles over the irony::) and then we went and ate steak in maple hill. which was one of the overwhelming religious experiences of my weekend. i jsut kept growling/giggling and saying that i’ve never been this happy in my life… oooh it was so good. just amazingly amazingly amazing. wow.
post-food. i came home and napped for about 2 hours then i cleaned my room and lacey came over to do some math. that was nice. although i’m really unsure of how i understand it. i got math and french student of the month (by the way) i like it bunches. calc = rock. lacey and i went to dollar general (where they sell calculator + perfume combos, schuh style).. then we went to dairy queen and scored a tremendously large cup of pop rocks. yum! and then i came home to do more homework.
first i read x pages of government and took massive notes as usual. then i read siddhartha, deciding that it is salinger-worthy and that i love it and that its good and that i should not finish reading it as early as i finished the last book we read for chamberlain. but wow. it so good. and also kinda how i’m feeling about religion right now. even if i’m a western-god girl. still. it was good. i read more govt after that and now i’m blogging and later more government.
i’m really tired of high school drama. maybe that’ll stop sometime soon.
i kind of think i need to go away on some sort of religious-find-myself journey. to lowell massachussetts. which reminds me. i’m going to lowell next october. who’s with me?
worthless
i feel pretty sick and worthless. i just read madeline poetry about schmeg and it made me realize how truly terrible i’ve been about calling her back and everything. because everything i said on saturday was true. i think that she thinks that things happened with tommy that didn’t. we just hung out and talked and that was it. because i needed someone to talk to.. and its not like i can explain it to my mom or coordinate a schedule with a friend, i mean as it is i’m waiting for lacey to call me about the clint-drahma. i think what he said was really really asshole-ish of him. i don’t know. boys are such fucks sometimes. and i guess girls are too. but i don’t know. i just feel bad about me right now.