Oh la la

Jess on August 22, 2003

well i’m in french cleverly worded title?) and i’m done with my composition on one, jamie warner. also known as Gaston le Maladroit. Its pretty decent. She kidnapped a kangaroo this summer, apparently. its great fun. now we’re talking about how i pierced my ear in class last year. bah. i have nothing really to do and i’m bored and have nothing to talk about. thus, we will discuss sleep.

last night i slept from like 9:30 till 7 this morning. its great. i am so refreshed for the first time in a long time. i also had chai and two ice cream bars so i was very very jumpy. meh-heheh. i’m thinking about starting une blog de francais. giggle.

what else do i have to say. nothing. oh well. i’m going to olive garden tonight with kim. Does the dance. woosh.

sunrise

Jess on August 19, 2003

Your kisses are pina coladas at sunrise when we had dinner last night and remained at the table untile nine, letting our voices fill the comfortable silence. And then we crashed — into bed together and fluffy white comforters kept us warm while we cooled down and our dreams stole us from each other only to keep us together with flowers and dancing, dancing dancing. At six, i wake to your hand pulling me closer to you (subconciously) my kiss wakes you and your smile melts the cool breeze. our footsetps and the blender, the refridgerator, and cabinets closing are so quite. The only sound we hear is of two hearts beating and the suns first kissing of your cheek while our hands wait together to find our backs and our brains wait to find dreams, again. When i smile right now it means i love you.

grind, wh-wha-wh-what.

Jess on August 17, 2003

i’m watching a disney movie, the cheetah girls. its really dumb. because i don’t think people actually start pop bands, i think they just kind of happen (see also, hurricanes) its a crazy show terribly bad. but i just keep watching cuz its so bad its almost good. raven simone’s girl “galleria” or something is such a bitch. heheh. she’ll learn i’m sure. cuz that’s what disney movies are all about.

i also saw grind earlier today, it was really good. very cute. i think its one of those movies that i could watch over and over and over again. its great. and the boys were sexiful.

i saw madsee last night. i had a good time with her, but moms about to kick me offline so i’m going.

not to love

Jess on August 17, 2003

never telling you i love you,
i close my eyes sometimes
and see you in my sleep
like you’re so far
and i’m so close to you
and everything is okay

i can only run,
i cannot love or live
and if i die then so be it
no one would cry,
no flowers sent

its like a paradox,
i’m running in the woods
and theres this question
and everyone wants an answer
and i’m so fucking young
and i’m such a young fuckup
that i don’t have one

please stop asking if i bleed
because i can’t give you an answer
all i know is that i’m me.
and i hate who that is.

waking up without you

Jess on August 17, 2003

we were driving down the street,
(small yellow car
and reflections of cop lights)
do people wreck here?
because i thought no one drove
where no one lived
and where you are is a ghost town

i wished i could be holding your hand
instead, i held a cigarette
the rest, i give away within the week
to a boy i used to want really bad
because i promised myself
and i keep some promises

within the week, i give away you too
and i let you go so easily
because in you,
i never believed.

lights out

Jess on August 16, 2003

when the lights go out
the first question on our lips is
“is it terror? is it terror?”
and its not the fear in our hearts
or the tears in our eyes
but the weight of their words
that will crush us.

100 seconds

Jess on August 16, 2003

you’re formulating words
that might break my heart
or make my day
and i’m just waiting
so patiently, for anyone
to save me.

but no one will come
and if they do it won’t matter
because only you matter:
only you matter.

in the 100 seconds that it takes
for me to wade through the shock
and recognize the impact
i may not think its so bad
and maybe 100 seconds could expand forever
but i would never really be living then

i don’t live without you

the illusion of spinning

Jess on August 16, 2003

i don’t remember it well, just hours ago even, but i seem to remember us spinning although it was just the pretty colors all around that gave us this illusion you bent me back a little so that my eyes were aligned with yours and then you said i love you. i remembered writing about the first time you said it in order for me to erase that first time and now here you were saying it again, so i scrambled to find the words to take it away but there were no words to take it away until you told me in your own way so i said i loved you back, in your own way too. and i’m pretty sure this was our first fight.

six

Jess on August 16, 2003

she hands them to you and then you hand them to me i already have these ones i hold them up and smile and you tell me its okay now i just have more. well thank you, they’re beautiful (you tell me that i’m wrong and that i’m beautiful) and you ask me if i know what it means but i don’t. the only thing i know now is i have six roses/half-a-dozen, and the other half is missing but i smile anyway and hope you don’t notice the distance in my eyes.

i kissed someone else today

Jess on August 16, 2003

today i kissed one else, that you don’t know but you do know him and he hates you because you banged me and bummed his cigarettes: i’m not so sure which hes madder about but he doesn’t like anyone that’s liked me or had me and he tells me you hurt me and i just look him in the eyes and say no i hurt her, but it doesn’t matter anymore who hurt who just whos being blamed for all of it and that’s perpetually me, me, me, me, me and you wrote about someone else today and i know it. i kissed someone else today and none of it matters (none of it!) because you wrote about someone else and your words were always a reflection of me i hope you hate me someday soon. these words are heard by no one. or maybe just because its not you they’re heard by no one in particular.