Author: Jess

we lie down together because you’re comfortable and you’re tired and i’m tired and you’re comfortable. our fingers find each others and i feel almost bad for invading his bed like that but it doesn’t matter to us because we’re so tired and you’re so comfortable. because we are we for the first time and i don’t know what to do all wrapped up in wnting you so badly and he senses it that we mush together and i wonder if it was just all of my wanting that filled the room that he sensed sexual tension in and then you: but i don’t know where to take her which means you want me to which cuts away the awkwardness later.

my nerves jump back and forth across their neurons and synapses. my stomach awakens to butterflies fluttering. my heart beats quicker. my heart beats fast. my hands make fists to comfort nervous fingers and i obsess over it. but kissing you is like breathing or blinking and when i think about it i don’t know how to do any of it. so i don’t think about it because when you hold me i cant think about anything and then the words fall out of my mouth in a rush i want to kiss you

you and i were walking and i was wondering where we’d end up, we found a cliff. what a dead end stopping point, it seemed, but really a place to begin. we held onto the dirt while our apprehension and fears slipped away, eroding the dirt. when that was done, there was nothing to hold on to except for each other.

i pointed out that we’re all kind of like snails sometimes because it feels like we’re going so fast or so slow and all the while we’re really getting nowhere. but we’re everywhere and we feed on that. we don’t have shells though. that’s what i said. i do, you said. and i thought about walking down the proverbial trail and crushing you under my sneakers: in that good way.

i never told anyone, not even you that just as you climbed out of my car last night the rolling stones started singing, goodbye, ruby tuesday who could hang a name on you? and i knew right then that you were walking out my life. i also knew right away that you’d be back and that it wouldn’t be the same. you changed everything with that kiss. and when you hugged me goodbye you told me everything without saying it. i had to explain it to my ex; you had to explain it to your girlfriend. and there were no explanations except that nothing will be the same and that although it was so lusty, it was not filled with love and for that reason everyone should be able to put it behind them and not worry about it anymore. you’ll always be my beautiful brian i might say someday but i probably won’t because you’ll probably know anyway. and i don’t want to date you. i did tell you that, and i meant it. never before have i meant it when i’ve told you that. but our love for each other has changed and i think we’ve made the best of it. the rolling stones summed it all up that night as you walked away. i felt like smoking a cigarette; i felt so old right then. she’ll tell you ‘its the only way to be’.

my stomach is a little upset with the curdling feeling of so much milk, it my own damn fault, drinking it all like that, but what can i do about it i was thirsty. and it was 69 cents a pint. (i do believe id committ to both boys if they were only 69 cents a pint,er, and if they didn’t further my belief that i was a lesbian). now, here i am. waiting for someone to show up for pizza or something else. and i want to crawl all over this goddamn place, looking for you (you, you, you, you, you). i could fall down on my knees and scream for you. but you’d turn your head and never answer my call.

we sat so close: our hands almost touching, our fingers exchanging furtive glances, our legs whispering to each other; we were so close: our laughter started by each other, our voices carrying in conversation, our eyes doing most of the talkng; my heart beat faster: wondering what you were thinking, asking if our heart beat in rhythm, forgetting to pump blood to my body. i miss you now: remembering your touch.

close your eyes and pretend that you and i are fireflies. we’re lighting up a shoebox and meeting for the first time. there we sit, captured, waiting for the lid to open up and we make small talk. buzz you talk to me and buzzz i tak back, we’re making small-bug-small-talk. the others in the box pay no attention to us. and this box is our world and outside of our world more goes on: two little girls chase more fireflies around watching them light up in the darkness and giggling as they spin around in their dresses. someday they’ll be just like us, trying to light up a box enough to see their way out, but until then they’re just young and their parents laugh and watch them from the front porch. see how many you can get, whoever gets the most wins them all one says. the other tries harder to catch more so that she can let them all go. one day, she’ll be trying to let herself go. but until then. i buzz for you.

last night, i dreamt for real. when my head hit the pillow it stayed there long enough to find the sleep that brings dreams and i dreamt, but not of you. you have this way of calling when i’m thinking about you: where are you now though? and even if i can’t bring you into my subconcious i’m sure you’re there. if its just because i’m conciously thinking about you that you can’t be in the back of my mind. i have no idea what to think about you. but i like you because you gave me those butterflies that i couldn’t ignore. i told her not to be jealous of you. i told her its not because of you but in a way it is. because when you held my hand i felt okay and when you let go i didn’t feel okay again. you look like someone i could fall in love with because when i see you its from so far away that you couldn’t hurt me, without me having time to prepare. and that’s all this love-game is about: to hurt, and to get hurt. i wonder if you’re a giver or a taker. maybe we’re both.

you pick me up because i’m walking and looking lost, you’ve been tripping but you’re pretty and fast in a beat up utility van painted all colors of the rainbow or maybe i’m just seeing rainbows because you’re someone knew and i’m falling hard for you. you take us back to wear were staying and i tell the kids i won’t be long. we run off together to an apartment not far from where you found me. everything is dirty but its a cool atmosphere like you robbed a seventies thrift store and took it home in boxes that you never unpacked. we’re all just trying to live and love. no reason to care what our house looks like.. the housemates smoke me up and we’re sitting around just looking in your mirror and the colors are so bright and the words are on the tip of my tongue: i want you on the tip of my tongue. but i don’t say it because i barely know you, and that’s why i want to make you mine. so i just smile at you and you smile back and we let the drugs take us away, meanwhile, i’m hoping you’ll take me away.