Author: Jess

the first taste is so wonderful because you feel like you’re in control of being out of control and thats how great it is. so great, you want to hold onto it and remember it forever but then you come down (and hard) and you forget what it felt like you just remember hating for it to end so then you try it again. its not as good this time but you still want it, more and more and more. so you keep doing it and then you’re so high that you start coming down perpetually. on and on and on until the pain is seeping out through your veins and no amount of miligrams could make you okay again. you sort of want to pop your eyes out, that’s the equivalent of stopping all together. so you stop. and it hurts so bad you swear off of it altogether. and then one day you see it and you remember how to get it. you’re lying in the streets with your strawberry burns and when they get there you’re too unconcious to feel anyone taking you away. when all along you just wanted someone, anyone to take you away.

you have that look in your eyes again like you want me more than i could ever know and i just avert mine because i know i don’t want you nearly as badly as you want me but i still want you kind of so i hang around, debating whether leaving you or staying with you would be the worst. instead i make offhanded comments, you know, girls are crazy. and you say you know but you like me anyway and then we kiss our lips meeting like white and dark chocolate and so i say it louder. no really, they’re just fucking insane. if i wasn’t one i’d avoid them at all costs but you say you like me and you stay. don’t say i didn’t warn you.

i’m so tired of jumping for you through your goddamn hoops and trying to do backflips (really just falling on my ass) i’m growing wearing of trying to exist i’m just letting go and falling apart in my bedroom with comforters so soft and successful in their task. even if you were down blankets you could not keep me wrapped up in you i’m writhing out, i’m sorry, i hope some day you’ll understand but maybe you never will and then again maybe you can’t. i’m standing at such great heights looking down upon you there i’m not sure if you’re yelling to me: either “jump and i will catch you” or your silent so silent because you jumped before me and i won’t go. i’m sorry. but you’re too far gone to hear me now, i’m sorry. as i fall to my knees right there i scream it louder. my screaming, sobbing voice falls on deaf ears you’ve tuned me out now i’m sorry.

today your hand was on mine then it was in between my legs then it was dancing with your tongue in the same location. my tears were in their storage places and then being held back and then flooding my vision. but its not that i didn’t want you to or that you made me or that i thought i’d want you to stop. but i did want you to stop. and i said nothing until the words escaped from my mouth: i’m done. and in my head, what a marvelous way to make it end.

you made me say i love you tonight because you’re scared of what will happen when your mom finds out that you owe the government two-hundred and thirty dollars. so i said it in a rush of words and then in my head i immediately took it back, so that you could say it back to me but neither of us could mean it because it wasn’t meant to be meant this time and that way you couldn’t leave me and i couldn’t leave you either. because love is just an excuse to leave someone and i won’t stand for it anymore. just the same, i said it. and you said it too. and it wasn’t meant to be meant but i think i mean it (subtly, as in the way your hair falls over the frames of your glasses). so what if i do mean it. so what if you do owe the state. you’re going to make it through everything and i’m going to make it through this and we will leave each other someday but apollo will carry us through. and still, i’ll turn to memories of you. but when you said it it reminded me of how she said it and how i wanted so badly to say it back to her but now i feel like i never did. oh, p-money, what are you doing this for?

i had a dream last night that i fucked her. except i wasn’t alseep; therefore, it wasn’t a dream. and it wasn’t fucking. lets open a window.

she says, do you think you would survive someone leaving you?. i say, of course i would but i might survive malaria too and i still spray for mosquitos. she smiles. ah, you might but you don’t stop going outside all together.

your suicide calls leave me scared and breathless and i don’t know what to say to you because i was trained by a master of suicide threats how to respond to make it stop make it stop i can beg for you to live and i can mean it but don’t fucking do it again or i’ll stop meaning it and i’ll lose compassion and you think i fucking hate myself now, just wait. you’re difficult when you’re angry and even when i understand i want to do nothing but take you in my arms and hold you until it all feels better. there is nothing about you that i wouldn’t want to keep around. you love me when i’m crazy and i’m crazy crazy all the time and out of obligation out of always having to say i’m sorry out of desire to be with someone i don’t stay around. instead i leave and i break down. because you are like good meat and i will know i’m a failure without you and then i’ll realize it a week later because its all just fucking psychosomatic. why can’t i think without underlying thoughts?

the walkways turned to water that day and i followed you down them on our shoe canoes we rowed away to somewhere where there was someone waiting for us to feel close to them and it was just you and me there. me, with my obsession of isolating everything. what would define that if it were only in a white room and out of this context? and you’re so fucking cunning. why a white room? and all the water in the walkways reform like a bad record scratch, i have no idea how to respond and i’m back to reality. fuckit, p-money, because all the other colored rooms are full. and thats just good enough so we keep going while the music starts again some sort of charlie brown jazz soundtrack that i’ve never heard before but you make up words to your favorite songs as we roll along in the grass we start to roll around in each others thoughts and everything seems just fine for right now and if it changes, we’ll roll again.