dear mr. president

Jess on February 9, 2005

fighting patriarchy
uphill
to reaffirm
a new patriarchy,
downhill,
where rights are granted
to destroy equality
waking the dream
to a nightmare

and the men in
their camoflauge
march two-by-two
to destroy the work of women
two-by-four-by-eight (sideways)
and this patriarchy saves all
because that patriarchy kills all

ignoring immolation
squinting against the bright light
of bodies burning,
a feminine holocaust.
we done good here.
we’ve saved lives here.

i’m sorry,
but she’s my sister;
i’m sorry,
but this is your choice:
not ours.

the women will be free.
the women will have rights.

this curse will begin
in society as ours did
where women oppress women
as freedom becomes a curse of insecurity

what a beautiful, beautiful
world where we no longer use the guillotines
to deter.

sweatblood

Jess on February 9, 2005

two surrounded by silence
only grasping for conversation
in the awkwardness that lies around
us, your face seems to loosen
with each burning sip
and i’m wanting to find the reason
for this escape

why, why, why, why, why, why
when all there was was you and i.

the truth falls like an unfinished shot
to the bottom of a too small glass
it was never about singularity
among people we call it solidarity
it was always the two of us
and so much history i could choke
on the words of one thousand gettysburg addresses
words, just, sparking freedom for so many groups
but never you and i, the individuals

so forgotten
i see my blood, sweat, tears
blend together into one drop
falling so somberly to its doom
in your glass or on my table.

hope, love, and living were all only afterthoughts.

i hope he crushes your lungs

Jess on February 9, 2005

you made no exceptions
to your lists,
upon list
upon list
upon list
so repetitive, aren’t we?
aren’t we?
and when he found light
at your feet
on your doorstep
you were swooning
as the smoke poured from his mouth
you found yourself accepting
&
excepting.

i wonder,
years later,
has his love let you down?

the sting

Jess on February 9, 2005

fiona apple kisses my ears while i drive through this snowy winter looking for something more than all you’ve given to me, but this love is all i have. you are all there is and i keep ducking in an invalids attempt to escape fallen short as the brakes lock and my head crashes against the wheel i hear a solemn scream: forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive me.

a blessing; a curse

Jess on February 9, 2005

the rivulets
weaving patterns around our bodies
and where the water rests on my skin
you see only you
and i see only you
where the water rests between us
you and i collide
and we become one
we become you
until all i have is my voice
and your words,

this is what i mean when i say love.

after all (this rain)

Jess on February 9, 2005

in the silence,
i wait for a whisper
from a friend
a lover
a mother
a daughter
a woman
no, no, no
i wait for a girl

this is why i am mistaken.

as the rain becomes the only sound i hear,
you scream for me
an enfant
an orator
a poet
an artist
a metaphor
a simile
yes, yes, yes
you scream for me or someone like me

this is why you are mistaken.

as the water floods these tunnels,
our eyes fill with the inescapable
this watery reality.
this is why we are all just alone.

i had a machine that just made silence

Jess on February 9, 2005

she called to say she’s sorry for the other night and she thought that maybe if we didn’t talk we could accomplish something by way of not calling each other drunk at 3 am. she alluded that maybe we could go out sometime. i said i’d love to . . .

out of habit

Jess on February 8, 2005

my thighs have been involved in many accidents
and now i can’t get insured
and i don’t need to be lured by you
my cunt is built like a wound that won’t heal
and now you don’t have to ask
because you know how i feel
-ani
Read More

vietnamization

Jess on February 8, 2005

we’ve been talking about vietnam a lot in my international politics course and its been making me think a lot about how and why i’m a pacifist. joe, brandon, etc. bring up the argument that without war the holocaust probably would have kept going or at least succeeded in killing everyone but the aryans. but i think there is a difference between war and intervention. like it obviously is not okay for hitler to declare war on non-aryan people by way of killing them off in these systematic execution “camps.” also, declaring war on neighboring nations isn’t justified. however, the United Kingdom going to war with Germany and other nations doing the same is probably justified. similar situations on both counts are probably the same. situations like iraq and vietnam get really messy then. because i’m not sure that its necessarily possible that one nation has the ability to decide it should be the nation that intervenes, and usually i think the decision to intervene is “the right thing for the wrong reasons.” this is my current theory on war and intervention.

last night, she said

Jess on February 8, 2005

last night i was sleeping (approx 3:03 am) minding my own business when my cell phone rang and it was pretty much of course madeline. but i woke up in a pretty good mood and grabbed my phone and looked to see who was calling and determined it was her and was like “oh yea, madeline. i haven’t spoken to her in a while…” and it doesn’t occur to me that three am madeline phone calls only have one message. so i answer. and she retorts my hello with an “oh you’re awake?” and i was like “well yeah. i mean. i was by my phone.” and she said “i was just calling to say i love you and i don’t think we should speak again.” this is ridiculous for a variety of reasons. first, not talking to each other generally just makes us more crazy. or at least i get more insane. because daily i have to make up reasons not to talk to her. like “i shouldn’t call madeline today because she’s insane.” or “because she’s bad for me” or because “i hate her.” and none of these things are true. we’re both pretty insane. and if she’s bad for me then i’m bad for her but i think deep down she’s been nothing but good for me. and i definitely don’t hate her. instead we have this rather bizarre love hate relationshp where i just can’t make her get out of my head enough to deal wtih her. and this basically keeps her on my mind all day every day if we’re not speaking. now i can be like “well i’ll call her when i have time.” or “maybe we could go get coffee sometime” but instead i have to be psychotic about it and be concious of my not calling her at every given moment in a day. thus i get mostly insane. and i basically convince myself that she’s something that she isn’t.

which is to say i convince myself i dont’ want to talk to her all the while knowing that i do. which isn’t very convincing by definition.

so last night i attempt to convince her that we really should still speak to each other and maybe we could go out and get food sometime. but i don’t think i was successful. mostly i don’t remember what happened. just that she said she hated me and i cried. but now that i think about it i don’t know if she actually said she hated me. i do know that i cried.