Author: Jess

my current theory on sleep is that i should just stay up as late as i feel like and then wake up when i need to in order to start going to sleep earlier. but its not really working. because i’m always beyond alert at night and never so much in the morning. but i’m going to keep it going because i know that i’ll be better off this way when the semester starts. not to mention i’m sure that competing at concordia begins before 12:30 am. which is about the only time i’m actually ready to do anything. awh. winter break is a killer.

i had an extemp meeting today and now i’m gonna work on filing some. getting back in the swing of my daily life in college is making me feel a lot better about being back. its weird. i just need to stay busy most of the time to be alright.

well i’m moved back into the dorms. i brought 8 days worth of clothing (a full cycle, i’m so proud) and a bucket of apprehension. the apprehension came mostly from the room feeling lonely and the whole building feeling lonely. also, i prefer my dogs by a lot to my roommate and i miss them like whoa today. i don’t know if i’ll sleep right without peanut nuzzling me.

so steve came over to the dorm after we went to dinner and i got really upset because the room just felt so big and i knew that when there was no one in it i’d probably cry a lot. so i just took care of my crying right away and dealt with it. i don’t really understand why this is such a big deal for me, but earlier today i absolutely did not want to move in to the dorms. but i moved in anyway cos i’m pretty sure i have to force myself to do it so that’s what i did. and here i am.

after my crying episode, tim called so steve and i went and hung out with him and christy for a while. that was a good time. we read encyclopedias and learned a whole lot. then we sat around and talked and bullshitted about whatever it is people talk and bullshit about. the best phrases of the evening were “subconscious masochism” and “see i hear that story and i just think pedophile.”

around 1:45am my phone rings and its Trena. who is apparently here with boyfriend and she wants to know if i’m staying in the dorm tonight. and i tell her that i was planning on it but i can go home if she wants me to.. its not really a big deal and she says that i don’t have to but wants to know when i’ll be here so i told her i’d be here at about 2:30 or so. when i show up she comes out and says that she didn’t know i was coming this soon. but i said sunday or monday so i don’t really mind. she also brings good and bad news. the good news is that tamichael is moving here. so i pray pray pray that he gets a job because i would inevitably see a lot less of her. which would be good cos then i wouldn’t hate how she never leaves. for obvious reasons. the bad news is she’s opposed to the bed bunking idea. so i’m lofting. i was excited about the extra space in the room, goddammit.

now, the weird thing is: my apprehension about moving in left when i didn’t like my roommate again. file this one under subconscious masochism.

i’ve been snowed in for three days. mom doesn’t let me go anywhere cos the roads are bad and i’ve only had two visitors. mostly, this sucks. i’m moving into the dorms on sunday i think. i’m pretty excited about it.

ps. i love ikea.

new years eve was good. steve and i went to karls and i invited annaleigh along because i figured it would mostly be a festival of me not knowing people or not wanting to know people i already knew better and feeling like i was clinging to steve all the night and generally interfering with him having a good time. anyway, so annaleigh went with us and i was able to talk to her instead of other people all night. which was good. lucas was there and it was nice to see him again and of course karl but otherwise it was mostly people i didn’t know. or knew from around but only knew them well enough to know that i didn’t really want to get to know them any better than i already do. all in all, it was a really nice time and karl let us sleep on his futon which was really cool too because it meant my mom didn’t have to freak out and we didn’t have to worry about drunk drivers. i had a really nice time though.

i also got to hang out with mallory on friday afternoon. we went to pick up my cellphone (cos it got found, bitches). and then i bought garden state and we returned to her place where we cleaned up a little and watched a lot of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. That has to be one of the most addictive bad television shows available to watch. and USA had an allday marathon. mallory and i were talking about how boring USA usually is that they can just cancel all of their programming for an SVU marathon and make it a really big deal. hah.

thursday night i went to carla and amy’s in lawrence because carla was having a sleepover. i ate thai food and had cocktails with cari, carla, angie, caitlin and amy for a while. it was great fun. its nice to hang out with a big group of girls for once. not that i don’t like my social life of boys but its all kinds of nice to be a little bit feminine. even if they aren’t the most feminine of girls. still. sometimes one just needs to talk about things that boys feel awkward talking about. also, i think i’m going to room with cari next year which is good news because i didn’t really want to live by myself and i could see cari and i really working out as roommates. she’s rooming at kstate with stephanie this year and stephanie and i are at least pretty interchangable people. lol.
Read More

i bought my new phone today and it makes me all squishy inside. its fabulous. and i can do ringers by person. of course there aren’t enough ringers to do one for every single person on my phone list and i dont think i’d remember who rang like what if i did it that way anyway. but still. today has been pretty good. though i cried this morning. which makes it three days in a row that i’ve cried now. completely out of the ordinary (although its pretty much only recently that i don’t cry all the time.) i guess its okay though. i’ll quit crying eventually. hopefully tomorrow…

the new phone rang up at $110 instead of $210 and the lady said they’d just fix it when i left the store 🙂 awesome. so that was good cos it balanced out that i did not get the 70 dollar rebate. it was great. and i made fun of the customers the lady has to deal with there with her. grand. and i have a new phone. now i just need to track down pictures of everyone as well as numbers like joe’s and marcus’ that i lost in the losing of the phone.

oh! and i found out that apparently someone was making calls on it after i lost it. which means someone else has it. and also that i have a nice number that i can drunk or sober dial from now on. lol. stupid people.. stealing cell phones and dialling numbers. gah.

i’ve been kinda sad the past few days. part of it is this tsunami business. i mean i know that people die and stuff but a lot of it really just messes with me. these people died of things like drowning (obvious) or the force of being slammed into the ground by these waves. can you imagine that? yikes. it’s so shitty. and then whats worse is that now pakistan is giving aid to india. which is good, y’know, we should aid our neighbors. but i hate it that it takes a tsunami to make nations get past their differences. and some of the countries are now allowing NGOs in which they hadn’t done before. so that’s good. and maybe something grand will come of it but it worries me a lot. there is a poem on my opendiary and the poetry section of my blog entitled “the ocean falling like bombs” that’s about this peace at time of tragedy. it’s eery.

christmas went incredibly well. i only asked for three things really and i got all of them. ie. a 320+ cd case. and i have it filled. i do have dvds and software/backup-files in the back of it but still. there are 320 disks in that folder. its crazy to think that i have that many. i need to sit down and put them in alphabetical order so that i can find them easier than now but its nice to have them all collected and protected. i also got milk thistle face moisturizer from bath and body works and a true blue spa pedicure set too. plus money for suits.

i got a bunch of clothes and things that were nice and i kept a hoodie and one of those shawl-esque contraptions all the cool kids are wearing. also, mom got me leather shoes which i thought was really funny. what pissed me off about the shoes most was that i think they’re really damn cute and i can’t keep them (i already returned them) because they’re leather. and that sucks. but i know that they have nonleather pairs at kohls for not too much more. so perhaps i’ll replace them.

i spent 70 dollars on two bras from victoria’s secret with the return money (some of it). like whoa. when i’m not wearing them that seems like a lot of money but then i put one on and i remember why $36 doesn’t seem like such an exorbant amount of money for one undergarment. agh. but really. i’ve never had such a comfortable experience in something that includes an underwire. rock on victoria’s secret.

on monday i lost my cellular telephone. file this under devastating in the jess’ life category. god damn. it sucks. and then i get pissed that i rely so heavily on the cellphone. i think mostly though i’m just sad that i lost the entire contact list. yesterday i was really upset because i’d lost all of the contacts and it looked like it was going to cost about 200+ dollars to get a replacement phone. now, however, it appears that the cost will be about 140 for a camera phone. rock on, my friends. this is good news. and i remembered that cingular keeps track of every number i call ever which is even better news because now i can find people like andy and daniel and pat on past bills. so hooray. and i’m not nearly as upset as i was and its kinda turned into a good thing. i don’t think i’d be upset about not having it if i were in college its just that i have to check in so much with mom or she gets upset and i hate having to think about when i’m going to be home because i know that she can’t get ahold of me if she needs something or if she wakes up and freaks out because its 2 am and i am not here.

as an aside. i am more than ready to move back into the dorms.

there is a book by douglas coupland entitled all families are psychotic i hold that statement to be true. but i think the same could be said of relationships. maybe just anywhere that love is involved. i was thinking about this today. and then i flaked out on steve. but not really in the kind of way that might make him really angry that i flaked out on him. let me explain.

alright. so we’re pretty much surrounded by relationships that are insane. from the people who cannot be together despite super-strong feelings. to the people that duel each other and themselves for who is more attached to whom and who is more committed. to the people that ship each other around the country. to the people that live in this mushy world where everything is the other person. and everyone and their respective relationships. (you know who you are) there are just all of these elements of them that make them completely outrageous and unbelievable. but i think there is something incredibly beautiful about all of it. and that maybe that’s just what love is. its this incredible nonsense that’s absolutely beautiful.

i was talking to my mom the other day and i think that she’s a little bummed that she doesn’t get to date and have that all out romance that she feels some of her newly-divorced friends get to be a part of. but i think that what he has with dad is really beautiful. even though maybe they’re not in that same mushy-gushy-romantic love (as i put it earlier). they love each other so much. and i just don’t know if there is a man on the planet that is better for my mom than my dad. and vice versa. there’s just so much to deal with and do and i think that my mom and dad really care about and understand each other so well and maybe that’s why they stay together even though they don’t necessarily have the same intensity of emotion that they used to feel. christ. it’s been 35 years since they first started dating basically. i think its perfectly okay that they just love each other the way that they did when they were 14. or 21.

these are my opinions on love at age eighteen. despite expected interpretation that they are otherwise, i truly believe them to be positive, perhaps even optimistic.

i’ve been going through my old life. that is, my old opendiary. this journal is now four years old to the date. and i’ve gotten farther into it than i’ve ever been able to before. i mean there are reasons for this.. first i’m doing it differently than i have in the past. the goal is to get it all formatted in such a way that i can upload it easily into movable type and then develop one comprehensive printable file that perhaps i could publish using cafepress or some other relatively easy-to-use program.

the process entails using the stickies program i have for my computer (I love it!) and having three stickies each with a section of the code necessary. they’re divided into the code before the title… the code between the title and the date.. and the code between the date and the body. it doesn’t really take as long this way as it used to when i tried to do it by copy and pasting different sections of the code at a time. mostly cos i can just ctrl+a and then ctrl+c and it doesn’t take the same ammount of selective highlighting as having all of the template code in one file would.

so i’ve finished february of 2001 through october of 2001. and the only thing i’ve determined is that i really didn’t like me before i dated brian. or i really don’t like me before i dated brian. cos i think the girl at the time was pretty self-loathing until sometime during or well after brian. it’s hard to tell. i know i didn’t really love me until like october of this year. but we’ll see how the journal develops. its kinda crazy. because there are a lot of parts where i just want to be like “yo, jess.. settle down it will get so much better you have no idea.” or “jess, dollface, don’t date him… he’s a douche and you’ll wonder what you were thinking for years…” and the number of times i’ve laughed out loud are pretty astronomical as well. it’s funny, really. mostly its been about the time molly was stalking me cos i’d kind of forgotten about the time she was posting anonymous notes. i talked to madeline about this realization of how crazy the two of us were and she said that she likes to think we’ve both grown up a lot. and i do too. my god. i was a psychotic young highschooler. intense.

i apparently have a sinus infection with a touch of bronchitis. however, this girl feels that there is no infection in her sinuses. instead it is perhaps just a cold or something. i don’t know. they’re putting me on zithromax which is insanely hardcore and not really what i think i need. the only time i’ve been on that was soon after i was in the hospital as a twelve-year-old. egh-ghad-gah.