last night was so crazy. i realized so much about people, relationships, and myself. i like how you never expect that to happen. its just like all of a sudden: boom! here you are at yr most hungry and yr most full and yr just trying to figure out everything.
james and i were in the hot tub after everyone got out and talking about our opinions of relationships and “those special someones.” we basically share the opinion that we’re young and that means that we have all of this time to figure out what we want in another person and figure out how to spot those qualities in people we’re just getting to know. which is exactly correct. i want to know as much as i can about me so that when i do decided to commit permanently to another individual i know that he or she is exactly complementing to me. and so that i’m not so codependent. because, let’s face it, i’m extremely codependent. unfortunately, this conversation-situation was cut short and probably misunderstood. i don’t know. sometimes my observations of other relationships make me realize about other people and relationships in general. its like when i try to talk about madeline and i and what went wrong all i do is realize how incredibly fucking crazy i am and how worthless most of what we fought about was. a lot of it was just me being jealous or me being scared. and so much of it is me being insecure. all the time. i realized that a lot last night too. because after the conversation was interrupted i was sitting in the hot tub until i worked up the nerve to face the cold and get out. so i got out and changed and went into the livingroom. but mostly i just wanted to talk to someone about how i was feeling. because it really sucked that the conversation got cut short. i was growing so much. dammit. and listening to the warbled echoes of someone elses conversation made me wish i could talk to madeline. but 3:30 am isn’t exactly an appropriate time to call. so then what happens? the phone rings. so i look at it and it says “Janelle” and i’m like “what the fuuuuuuck? how crazy is this night?” so i answer it and it’s not janelle but madeline and she was at ryan’s and wanted to meet me. but i couldn’t meet her so we just talked on the phone and then i drove home and we talked about us and everything and why its bad right now and my increased emotional openness due to the events of earlier that night made me really really open about everything and i just told her everything. i hope she understands a little more now. but mostly i think the only thing to understand is that i’m insecure and i can’t lose her so much that the only thing she is to me is gone. so that’s why i guess we do this limbo. and we say such mean things to each other. and i never give a valid reason.
and then there’s steve. who i like a whole lot and with whom i really am happy. i don’t know. i think i need to grow up and find out what else love can be. and that’s why madeline and i arent’ together. (disclaimer added after paragraph was written: i don’t think i aptly describe my feelings in this paragraph as to why madeline and i aren’t together but i’m leaving it.. because sometimes the best i can do is all i ahve). because i’m too young to be in something that would keep me from exploring myself the next few years. and i’m just so afraid i’ll hurt her.
gah. i guess this is growing up? ps. hooray for the thrills.
