Author: Jess

i’m exhausted. i have a headache. i’m at work. i have to deal with party politics tomorrow.

currently seeking: one date (counter-romantic.. unless the volunteeree is steve) to see how the buzz stole christmas feat. jimmy eat world, the donnas, g-love and special sauce, elephant, and the new amsterdams now that tickets are only 19.95. please comment for details or seek me out on aim, yo. smash static.

[addendum] today my mom told me that i should’ve been born 30 years earlier because i’m tottally a hippie. 🙂 this made me the happiest camper on this side of the appalachians. it was marvelous. i just got all happy. and then i was like “i don’t know.. i guess i do have some libertarian leanings..”

also, today i went to lola’s for lack of better alternatives and because i was hoping to see morgan there. which turned out to be a fulfilled session of hoping because she was working. and then she gave me shit about my boyfriend. but that’s okay. cos i’m happy with him. and i haven’t been precisely happy with a boy since i dated brian… and that was a long time ago. usually the word to describe how i feel is more “in control” especially like with the ones since madeline its been more about me not getting hurt than actually allowing myself to grow and feel in a relationship. this is all good. although i admit i’m at the stage now where i’m ready to push him away so i don’t get hurt. but i can’t do that. because i really like him. and i just.. gah. i’ve had a crush on him for too many years to just forfeit it all because i don’t want my heartbroken.

oh gosh! i also got some poetry selected to be in the Washburn Poetry Review (Inscape) for the spring 05 edition. hooray for me. it was the poem “Death Rattle (&Bang!)” which is about my uncle’s suicide. you can find it on my livejournal and hopefully in the poetry section of my blog later this evening. i’m really excited about it. i was all dancy when i got the letter. if dancy is something one can be.

i took a nap this afternoon and dreamt that i needed to go to the statehouse to see this photographer and when i was there i couln’t find his office so i went on this tour because whenever i tried to ask staff where the office was they just said “take the tour..” so i took the tour and we were in some room looking at something and then we heard gunshots so this guy and i left to see what it was and there was this gunman who i had seen earlier and made eye contact with and he left me unsettled and the guy that went out with me picked up this beagle puppy and the guy with the gun shot through the beagle and it was lodged in the guys shoulder and he was knocked onto the ground. so i freaked out and went and looked for other people and then i went back to help him and he was just bleeding so much. so i looked at the gunman who wasn’t paying attention to us right then and i just put my hand over the wound instinctually to stop the bleeding. and when he starts to fade i keep saying “i love you, i love you, i love you” and then he just gets better and everything is okay. it was extremely strange. i think its about how i don’t look at making sure people can eat as a handout. i think its just the thing to do. and we had a talk about that. and i cried the other night because this lady was mean to her dog. and i needed to go to city hall today to pay a speeding ticket.[/addendum]

i had one of my better days today. i was out until way too late last night. try 3am. ugh. try waking up at 7 after getting in at three. and i did wake up at 7. and then i thought… “i should set another alarm in case i fall back to sleep..” then i fell back to sleep. luckily, that internal clock that always knows what’s going on was like “pst. jess its 8:05 and you have a final in 55 minutes and really need a shower….” so i woke up and took my shower (hooray for showers, man). then i did some quick studying and went to take my last final. it was government and it went really well. it turned out it was multiple answer not multiple choice but it still went well. i expect to get a’s in all of my classes. although for some reason i have my doubts about public speaking. more because the teacher is a douche and the final was really insane than anything else. but i will formally argue the one grade for a group presentation if it affects my grade. i did not give a speech worth an 88. and he knows it. dammit.

steve met me in the HC windows lab (yay for not wu-unix!) and i worked on some things for leadership’s pen pal program. basically no one wrote their letters because everyone likes to make my life hell. i asked if they thought we should do it and they were all like “yes we have to” and then they didn’t. so now i’m the one that’s running all over campus trying to get the letters gathered and written and i also have no one to help me out on this. so thank you LE100. because this is what i wanted to do with my time. and i like the program and think its important that we don’t bail on these kids.

steve and i went to lunch in the union after picking up ashley’s letter and some bobbleheads for our classes that WSGA donated. then we ate with dane and later lacey and brady. steve and i went back to my dorm and i basically dumped everything out and picked it back up later so take home (yay for moving out, except wait. that means living with my parents again . . .). he helped me carry stuff out to my car then left for his CEDA meeting.

lacey and i went out to bed bath and beyond and pier one today. then we got applebees and went to joann’s where we bought totes and decorated tote bags for the rest of the afternoon. mine says “Washburn University Magical Mystery Tour” on the front and “OVERNIGHT BAG” on the back. lol. it’s a great little bag and i’m excited to tote things with it.

i had to let joe in on the bag experience so i called him and he came up to kuehne to talk to us. then brandon came by and brady got home so we hung out there until it was time for me to come to work. w00t. it was really an awesome day. especially the part where i got to hang out with just lacey for a long time. it seems like lately she only exists as a pair with brady and i like brady but i miss my old friend sometimes.

i’m completely looking forward to break. whee.

to do over break:
_ finish chomsky
_ finish robbins
_ read danielewski
_ read salinger
_ improve at chess
_ lord of the rings marathon (invite yourself over!)
_ sleep regularly
_ archive blog from Jan 2001 – current
_ create some sort of online photoalbum for chaostasis
_ use my digital camera more

we’ll see how much i get done…

today i told joe that i had a dream that i had sex with bobby fischer and his eyes lit up like a little kid looking at the christmas tree for the first time on christmas morning when it was surrounded by presents. lol.

today has been a pretty good day. even given my confusion about madeline and everything surrounding her.

i woke up a little before 9 at james’ place and got around and went to lolas to study for some of my finals. then i went and browsed cds at cd tradepost for a while and found some really kickass ones that i had been wanting for a while. so then i went to school and took my french oral final (not peer review board style, kthxbye) and then i talked to lacey/brady/joe for a while and then i took my public speaking final and hung out with ryan and that boy jimmy until steve called a little before four. so he came out and we had dinner in the union then sold some of my textbooks back. i used the money to buy aimee mann’s magnolia soundtrack and the royal tennebaums soundtrack and a pixies album (aka the good albums i’d found at CD tradepost this morning). after that steve bought me cranberry juice and we hung out at his house.

that’s my day in details. i need to make a list of what i plan to do over winter break before winter break actually gets here. augh. so excited.

steve bought me living in clip the other day because he saw it and it was ani and he thought of me. i find this to be really brilliant of him. heart. anyway. so i’ve been driving around screaming along with live lesbian folk rock thinking that we should all be lesbian folk rockers someday and then i put in the second disk and the first song is Untouchable Face which is madeline and my song and the second song is Shameless which is about covetting another man’s wife. and getting her. basically. but its more poetic than that i think i’m intentionally not doing it justice so i realize that amidst shots the other night she cfalled and i told her i’d call her back when i’m sober but i just can’t find the words to say and i keep thinking one day it will just hit me and i’ll just know and be like “say this” but that’s probably not going to happen because it would have already. and i probably owe it to us to call her. and i probably owe it to myself or maybe just to her. i’m not sure. but i’m sure that i should call her and be a decent human being about the situation. it just never feels like the right time. i keep thinking maybe one day i’ll be able to have this conversation without crying so i won’t want to avoid it so much but i know that that is not true either. so i guess i’ll just keep putting it off and when my finals are over and i have 5 weeks of no reasons not to call i’ll call her and we can talk and maybe she can get her book back and i know she’s going to want that heart box back and that’s why i can’t call her… because i’m not ready for that.

it’s like handing pieces of her back to her when i can’t get the pieces of me back at all. and i know that its only a metaphor and a bad one because we’re not actually giving back anything. except maybe peace of mind. but i don’t remember ever having that and i sure as hell don’t have it now.