there comes a point on the drive to my dorm where it stops being the drive to your apartment as well. i keep driving through the intersection and realize it at 21st street. thinking, but so many nights with him were nights at home and i realize that i wish you were my boyfriend. from that wish, these problems stem. but some other girl is in your bed tonight. and i keep wondering ifyou’re wearing clothes:
give me three reasons not to…
his eyes
question
whether his eyes are
or are not
my stomach
frets
whether i am
or am not
the switch
rests
so depressed
not manic
words
hammer
my brain
to the ground
i
want
to crush
your thoughts
to save myself.
this is just me being completely honest. i don’t need anyone to call to make sure i’m alright because i know i’m fine but sometimes i need to write down the things that are true. the things that i leave out.
i was thinking about madeline and realized that i miss having someone around whom i don’t need to speak. she and i had words, yes, but we didn’t have to use them. we could spin around each other in her bed for hours and the only energy we used was to expell our breaths and the words “i love you” because everything seemed like a waste. i’ve never known anyone like that. and the more i find myself misunderstanding the world and having the world misunderstand me the more i miss her. the less i feel like i’ll ever have the energy to build that again even if it is available. i cried over her the other day. i spent all of monday (and the rest of the week) in this complete depression and everyone thinks its because i just got back from washington dc and in so many ways that’s part of it but i felt fine all of monday morning until i checked my messages and one was from her and she was like “hey. this is madeline.” and something sounded different in her voice like she felt she needed to say her name or i wouldn’t know to whom the voice belonged. but i’ll never forget that sound. or the feeling in my ears.
(sit around and listen to albums that contain two songs of which you associate with the same girl who bends your heart again and again but finally broke it yesterday and you’ve been so sick over her that you welcomed the pain of the end because sometimes death is just a relief.)
this weekend will be pretty busy. tomorrow i have class until noon. then i’m going to study for my government test and proof my government paper. then i judge at topeka west then i theoretically see amelia. the next morning its juding at topeka west all day and then i work at 5:30. where i will be finishing up the studying for my government paper. then i outline my speech and do my book review. wtf. mate. busy weekend. but if i get it all done then i’ll be sooo happy.
a passenger,
on a plane,
flying over such great heights
and you, a field below
through the windows
(smoke and clouds)
i barely noticed.
then,
the rested,
on a couch,
spinning through so much small talk
and you, proximal
through my insecurity
(downcast eyes and shy smiles)
i realized something.
later,
in a haze,
on a floor,
wanting only to be near you
and you, a different room
through my high
(ups and downs)
i sought you.
then,
sleeping,
on a couch,
dreaming while contorted
and i, seated
through book words
(pages and paragraphs)
i watched you.
finally,
feelings,
in a poem,
riding to museums
and you, not with me
through penmanship
(crossed t’s and dotted i’s)
i discovered you.
(when the phone rang,
it contained your voice,
and i was curious,
yet satisfied.)
a passenger,
on a plane,
flying over such great heights
and you, a field below
through the windows
(smoke and clouds)
i barely noticed.
then,
the rested,
on a couch,
spinning through so much small talk
and you, proximal
through my insecurity
(downcast eyes and shy smiles)
i realized something.
later,
in a haze,
on a floor,
wanting only to be near you
and you, a different room
through my high
(ups and downs)
i sought you.
then,
sleeping,
on a couch,
dreaming while contorted
and i, seated
through book words
(pages and paragraphs)
i watched you.
finally,
feelings,
in a poem,
riding to museums
and you, not with me
through penmanship
(crossed t’s and dotted i’s)
i discovered you.
(when the phone rang,
it contained your voice,
and i was curious,
yet satisfied.)
it turns out that amelia is now dating this girl sarah. i don’t know how i feel about it. its not like amelia and i were ever serious or even at the point where you could call it dating but i’m a little hurt. to be honest. maybe this is a good thing. cos i think i needed her to do something that i could hold against her. so i’m feeling alright. and i’m pretty sure we’re still going out for coffee tomorrow. cos we were doing that just as friends and so we can still do things just as friends.. right? yes. exactly.
i guess that’s it. there’s so much i want to blog about just on life in general. but i’ll get to that when i get done with all of this shit that i have to do. fuck.
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