Category: Journal

I feel obligated to say first that if Kevin has come to my blog he now wants the post below this one… The “One-thousandth and counting” one. Or it might be titled in a variation of that.

Since I last posted, I am a red head. This is good news.

The bad news is that I threw up this morning from exhaustion. I threw up last night from a panic attack. I also cried the whole way home through fog and crazyness.

My mom was mad at me because I came in at 4 a.m. Now I feel like I can’t ask for the help I know I need because she will just say that I should start sleeping earlier. I know that I need to sleep more. I am doing that tonight. I also know that it doesn’t mean that I’m going to feel less crazy just cos I start sleeping. I’ll point out that I slept all weekend.

Let the record show that I desperately wish that there was some sort of emergency room for people who went crazy. I remember reading Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen and she talks about how one of the other patients was in a movie, realised she went crazy, and left. That is sort of what has happened to me. The problem is that I know I’m having a panic attack which doens’t warrant a normal emergency room whenever I am having one. My insurance sucks. You can’t get into a psychiatrist in this town. Especially not the good ones. Especially when you mostly distrust their intire profession. At this point, my best hope for early admittance is an attempted suicide. That seems bad for several reasons: one, it’s really effin risky. two, i don’t want to commit suicide or give others the appearance that I am. three, i really don’t have time to execute a brilliant plan these days.

I’m calling the doctor. And hoping for the best.

[Edit]: Yesterday, I read my horoscope for today and was at least a little bit nervous. Today, I’ve learned that those physical needs that were predicted turned out to be a desire for a very, very long nap.

by Bitch & Animal

this is the point
where the eye and I don’t meet
this is the point
that spells defeat
i have watched your unlove
written like tabloids
i had to stumble on buying my food
there you were
unfolded in headlines and horror
i love all those bits of you
i love all those bits of you
on the hardwood floor
where the bird imitates our fighting
you put the golf show on
to avoid my crying
you cup your arm to care
where the hurt went in
and well, why does it hurt?
complications of leftover racisms
why does it hurt?
you start the road trip off with accusations
of why does it

feel like i’ve been run over in traffic
scratchin in the dust of someone’s leavin
punches in my gut
oh look i’m bleeding
not for you, for me this time, this time
not for you, for me
this time

just for the record, there is no record
it’s a problem
there is no “this is what you said”
that’s already gone
all we have are our love
and our guts baby
all we have are our love
and our guts baby
they’re all over the road

you don’t know the difference
between anger and pissed off
one is doing and one is feeling
one is doing and one is feeling
and i’m feeling
i’m feeling

feels like i’ve been run over in traffic
scratchin at the dust of someone’s leaving
punches in my gut
oh look i’m bleeding
not for you, for me this time, this time
not for you, for me
this time

i need to be healed
i need to be healed

just saying it does it
just smashing it crushes it
just loving it douses it

just saying it does it
just smashing it crushes it
just loving it douses it
just loving it douses it

feels like i been run over in traffic
scratching at the dust of someone leaving
punches in my gut
oh look- i’m bleeding
not for you, for me this time, this time
not for you, for me.
not for you, for me.

I was right about my habits when it comes to blogging, but I guess that’s okay. I think I’m nearing time for a new layout. I have some ideas in my head but so far they haven’t translated well on paper. Perhaps some reds and blacks? I’m not sure.

I hung out with Joe today and we had a pretty good time. it’s nice to be able to hang out and not have it be all pondering what went wrong. I think that’s been the major problem lately. We had lunch at Johnny Carino’s where my eggplant parmigiana was effin fantastic. Oh man. Then we saw Flags of Our Fathers. It was horribly, consistently depressing. But it was also a fantastic movie. It made me really want Jarred not to go back to Iraq. But I suppose he has to do what he has to do.. and I’m the one that worries openly about it. He just sorta goes. And hates his job. I thought the movie was incredibly well done though. The filmography and everything was great. And that Ira Hayes. Awesome.

Hesch also got a celly phone. Whee! Finally! It’ll be nice that he’s kind of being an adult now. Maybe next semester he’ll get a car? Huhmsh. We can hope.

I’ve been looking into grad schools lately and talking to Morse/Prasch/Bearman about them. I also took a practice GRE yesterday and it went really well. I got a 510 on it which isn’t that bad for my first practice. As I study and brush up on math skills it should only get better.

Tonight begins my Halloweekend-Bender. I’m so excited.

I’m reading for my Morse term paper about Mary before Guadeloupe. How empowering it is to read these sermons!