Category: Journal

who would object to my naming my daughter Salome? Sort of after Tom Robbins. Sort of after the words meaning peace. Sort of after beauty. Here’s to ascetics. Here’s to a new year. Cheers.

i’ve been learning to knit. it fucking sucks. but i kinda like it because it’s challenging and i don’t just know how to do it. it’s kind of frustrating and i’ve had to re-cast my yarn about 1,000 times but that’s alright because i’m good at casting and i can do it pretty quickly. i’m not as good at knitting knit stitches though. first i got one and then forgot how i did it so i had to start over. then i repeated the same mistake. then i got two in a row and then fux0red the cast-on for the next stitch. finally i got 3 in a row and now i’m at like several in a row on that needle. uggh.

i should’ve bought a lighter color of yarn. but this pink-green-purple-teal-navy color would be so nice. uggh.

joe and i had a fight via email while he was at work today. i feel like these pills make it impossible to be happy. i’ll be really excited when i can start the adderall next week hopefully it will cancel out this feeling.

The title is a reference to both the book Jane Eyre and the song by S&G. The misnomer is intentional.

It’s been an interesting day, young lady bugs*. I went out with Jarred McDaniel last night afterwork. We went to IHOP and I was unseasonably mean about the waitress. Well, I wasn’t mean but she kept coming to the table and I kept forgetting to look at the menu and it turned into a ruckus so finally I just said that i wanted a short stack and ended up ordering that +2 eggs which ended up being “over hard” because that was the first egg word i thought of. I think we should invent new words for eggs. like “eggs hippopotamus” which would be joe and my favorite kind of eggs because, c’mon. we love us some hippos. anyway. we were there for approx 2 hours chatting about life and catching up on all of our best stories, twas nice to see him.

I got home late. like 3:30. and started learning how to knit (a quest for knitting supplies was the second part of our journey). i can do a long tail cast on now. but that’s all. i just can’t figure out the stitching. i think it’s cos one of the steps seems to be kinda skipped in the video that she does. whaaa. so if anyone knows how to knit and wants to teach ms jess yr talents… lemme know. i’d be delighted.

i woke up at 9 because i needed to take my car in.. which reminds me that mom called me a little bitch last night. graaaah. and i don’t even know why or why i deserved it at all!! and then i hung up on her and she called back and was upset some more. but i did what i was supposed to do today so i just wish she’d apologize. turns out her friends best friend died and she had to talk to lisa who is her best-friend-turned-enemy. who is guessing that is what it is? me. that’s who. anyway. the windshield wipers got fixed for free. which is awesome, awesome news.

i got home and took my mood stabilizer. it made me sleep. for about 3 hours. in this really knocked out groggy “Whoa!” sleep. but i had a very long dream about being at this festival that was like an anniversary party for someone and it was also kind of like an independent film festival and i ate gelatin knowingly (or was about to) and pete and george were there and i think josée may have been off in the peripheral but i didn’t actually talk to her. and i defended the legitimacy of the catholic church. BIZARRE!

so i woke up and my car was done and barbi came and we went to pick up my car and then i treated her to goodcents since she drove all over topeka just to take me to my car. i also got to talk to pete this evening which is strange because i’ve talked to him twice since I left poland and this time just happened to be like the one time that i also had a dream that included him in it today. sooo strange. but i guess that’s how collective conciousness works.

i don’t think i like the new medicine. my body/brain wanted to have a manic episode on my way into work but instead it got very discouraged by the mood stabilizers and i just had a depressive episode instead. so here i am kind of sad.

i’ve had an epiphany. no, really. i don’t think i believe in the past or the future anymore. There is only right now. i’ll explain it later.

*note: lady bug is the language of the revolution. all of the men are ladies. whee.

do you ever find yourself asking what time is the best time to start yr mood stabilizers? the answer= NEVER!!!! Mwah-hahaha. In actuality, I’m starting them tomorrow. ah man. i just remembered that work is gonna be busy and suck a lot tonight. so i cant’ start them today because i almost recanted on my earlier idea. dammit. someday, jess, someday. i’m in a weird mood.

man. what a bummer i was the other night, huh? that seems completely unnecessary. i hate it when i get really down like that. it sucks to feel that way and it sucks for everyone else. more than anything.

that night turned out alright though. my keys were locked in my car at the time that i posted the entry. so i couldn’t get to work because mom didn’t want me driving so she was all in a tizzy about bringing keys to me so i could get into my car. uuuugh. anyway. brian had called earlier in the day asking if joe and i wanted to hang out so we had him and travis over. it ended up being travis, britain, brian and i who went sledding. it was flipping amazing. literally on the flips. lol. i’d never been to quinton heights before and it turns out i was really missing out. we didn’t have an sleds so we just used a couple trashcan lids (ineffective) a laundry basket (more fun) and a drawing board (huge clipboard, AWWWWESOME!) to get down the hill. oh man. i went so fast. and it ended in a flip. there are only so many moments that make one girl realize she could die just then and it would’ve all been worth it. how many things are you willing to die during? honestly.

after sledding, we decided to crash Blake’s birthday party. basically we were gonna go and not leave until the party was ruined. but instead i socialized and we had a pretty much overrall good time but we couldn’t stay too long cos travis needed to get back to trista and i wanted to get back to joe. so we did and brian, joe, and i talked until late and then he slept over. apparently he left at 7:30 am because he was “awake” because he “doesn’t sleep.” what a freak.

sunday joe had to leave which was lame. i mean i was expecting him to go on saturday so it was great to have the extra day (saturday morning-afternoon was fantastic.. we just hung out and enjoyed the not-having-to-do-anything for school feeling. awesome.) so anyway. we knew that his dad was “coming to get him at 12:30” but we did not know if that meant that he was leaving at 12:30 or arriving at 12:30. Turns out he was arriving!! We found this out because i was walking out the door at like 12 when his brother walked up the steps. oops. awkward. luckily. it was just ben unesecorted so there wasn’t any concerning looks. i spent the evening pretty upset because like whoa. joe was gone.

today (yesterday now technically unless you’re on TV Guide time, SUCKA), i had my first followup with my psychiatrist. she’s a pretty unprofessional person. but anyway. the Rx = ADDERALL. This is the best news I’ve gotten since the wall came down. She also gave me a script for Lamictal which is a mood stabilizer. It would seem to me that at the point that i’m receiving both a mood stabilizer AND a stimulant that the diagnoses may be slightly incorrect. Who knows though. It should be alright. I’m looking forward to a sleepy next few days.

clayton came over for lunch and i cooked. delcious. we had corn + garlic bread + portobello tortelleni and pesto. i should cook more. tomorrow/today’s menu = thai experiments. green curried tofu + egg + noodles. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?! Nothing. The worst that can happen is curry.

brian called while i was hanging out with clayton and asked me if i wanted to go to the y. and i decided that a little exercise never hurt anyone so we went and played a few rounds of racquetball and some basketball. so much fun. i’m not that bad at racquetball i think. i mean, i am, and i got hammered. but i think i could be good at it or at least enjoy it. i’ve gotta quit treating it like its tennis though. ugggh. i can’t help it that i don’t want to play off the walls. lol. then we played basketball. i suck at it. and i mostly hate it. the only thing i can kind of do is play defense but given that i don’t desire to have possession of the ball.. i’m not really aggressive enough on the court. jess competition strategy: stalemate.

ohhhh wow. this has been a long entry you kids have probably had enough. for enders though we watched rounders and i again learned what i had always known: If you can’t spot the sucker in yr first thirty minutes at the table then you’re the sucker.

i was looking at old websites.. like layouts that is.. and now i’m sad. i wish i were sixteen again for several reasons. the first of which is that everything seemed much brighter then. in other news: missed picking up jarred from the airport on account of snow. here’s a big fuck you to the weather.

Alright so I was singled out by rachel and i’m not really doing anything better right now, plus, i haven’t been blogging about anything lately so here goes.

You get one wish of anything, what would you ask for? Probably a vacation where I could backpack around Eurasia for myself and like 5 friends. Because there are so many places I really want to go.
What animal would you be? a dog. probably similar to my jack russel terrier sammie.
Something you want to do in your life? Right this minute? I want a doctorate in neurolinguistics. But we’ll see…
One time there were these Ninjas (finish the statement)and then they realized that they weren’t nearly as cool as chuck norris so they had to commit seppuku and they were pretty messed up about it but chuck norris went to their funeral and they became heroes in mexico.
One song you could listen to over and over again? Rocketman by Elton John. Well not seriously… seriously? fine. probably a warm place by NIN.
Coke or Pepsi? Coca-Cola, I’m an addict.
Something you currently desire? Spanish Rice
One good deed you’ve done lately? I just cleaned the entire apartment.
A funny moment in your life? Um… I think when my roommate came in to find my boyfriend and I singing rocketman by elton john to each other. lol. i can’t really explain it. But brandon was terrified.

i had that appointment with my psychiatrist on monday and it went about as good as can be expected (poorly) i was pretty upset. she said that i have add, inattentive kind, and i got a script for focaline XR which is like just below adderall, apparently, on the scale of powerful drugs to stop people from being their normal, distracted selves. i’ve kinda settled into the diagnosis… she also said that i have bipolar spectrum which means that i’m not necessarily full bipolar, though some day i could be (if i try hard enough i guess?) because i have lots of mood swings and bizarre episodes. i’ve heard basically the same thing before from other people so i guess this makes sense. the way others have described it… i tend to flatline at “normal” which is more depressed than “everyone else” but sometimes i’ll be more manic than “everyone else” and sometimes i’ll be WAAAAY more depressed than everyone else. Lately I seem to oscilate between the two extremes. Fantastic. The key, apparently, is remembering that i get to have manic-ish episodes. What sucks the most is when i go from feeling really good to feeling like shit. Because it’s such a horrible, horrible come down. I’ve only done it in that order i think once this week though. and while that was just beyond ridiculously bad… at least it was only once.

i feel kind of hopeless still. the add thing really sucks. my gut reaction was like “what the hell?” then i got really sad ebcause fucking everyone has that. and everyone deals with it. and i don’t. and it maybe makes me a freak. because i’m just some incurable thing that is beyond help. that’s what i feel like. i feel like there is just something uniquely wrong with me because i am bad.. not because of some biological of physiological or chemical wtf reason. and it sure as hell isn’t fixable. but then, that’s not what she said. i think her point of view is just that i don’t have the ability to focus in order to attain my personal standard for a level of perfection and that if i could focus then we could better decrease the stress level and increase my ability to deal with the other problems (bipolar?).

she makes some sense.

she also suggested that she thinks that i’m just traumatized from the experience of having my biological parents abandon me. fuck off was what i wanted to tell her. i almost walked out of the room at that point. i understood just then why they make you copay up front. where the fuck do you get the nerve to think that? was the second statement that came to mind. instead. i calmly explained to her that she was wrong because i don’t view them as abandonning me. i think they did it cos they loved me and i think it was hard for them. this was the point that i came closest to crying. it reminds me of the time my boyfriend told me that if they loved me they would’ve kept me, and you’re supposed to be a fucking professional? at least he was only fourteen.

tomorrow is thanksgiving. my family is crazier than i. i’m so excited about this holiday.

enter introversion.