Category: Journal

sometimes i feel like if i relaxed myself completely i’d never get control of my body back.

this is how the apes evolved into a species that didn’t have freakish control of their toes.

except for you. freak.

So it turns out that if you let jess sleep unfettered, she will sleep for outrageously long times. Welcome to my second wakeup at noon. Yesterday I slept in till like 11:51 but wasn’t too mad at myself because i probably would’ve rinsed that time anyway. Today however, disaster! I was supposed to be awake at 9 or 9:30 helping Devon and researching for my TVPRA paper but alas, instead I ended up asleep until noon. I guess this means that the schedule for next weekend is gonna look like this: Do that paper. So the project will be done actually before the paper is done. and here I had all of this great initiative to do it in a different order. Uggh. I also have a paper due for my Morse but can’t find the crit essay handout. Oh well. I’ll call Troy. Hopefully he can email it to me or something.

Speaking of Troy: His band is playing a punkshow at the Trap on November 26 (next friday). Anyone want to go with me? It’s like 6 dollars. But it’ll be worth it cos you’ll get to be in my prescense and see Troy’s band. w00t.

so everything is hideously connected, as it turns out. i wrote a poem about this the other day. i also was just now realizing that people all do the same things and act the same way and everything is a cycle. and it’s a vicious one. so try not to get caught up in it, my dear. so not only were they both second choice (first choice, third, whatever!) but they also traded jobs. freakish. i guess technically the work elsewhere from where they did but it’s just very, very odd. i mean. c’mon.

deleuze and guattari would call this a rhizome. which makes some sense if you know what it is: imagine the rhizome as the rabbit warren, each room has its purpose completely seperate from the others and yet through the connections by pathways that are established within the tunnels, a sense of being results and a concept exists through every plane of multiplicity. I LOVE GRASPING CONCEPTS.

to do: Play, “Last Seen”, Sunday, 2 pm, please attend with me, at Little Theater, call me for details. Open invitation to lunch and mass following the play.

better moods after weather improves. saw jarhead last night. jake gylenhaal = hawt. kinda worried me about my marine boy. (not the one that’s a dolphin, the one that’s a weapon). made me kinda hate war. hard to say. want new layout for chaostasis. registered sanstitre for poetry (french for “untitled” basically). awesome.

true story: the night i wrote the journal entry i just read i had locked my keys in my car so i went to get a veggie burger with him and we fooled around some and then i went home.

i didn’t lock my keys in my car on purpose.

i never ate the veggie burger because i felt too guilty to eat.

good day again today.

i bought both puddle dive, by ani, and high art in one of the most lesbianic cd tradepost moments ever, i do believe. i’m pretty excited. i haven’t seen high art in years and i’m pretty sure watching it with madeline meant a good long nap (among other things . . . ) so we didn’t get too much of it viewed. i just remember believing that i would love it. and i’m pretty sure i will when i watch it. excitement of all excitement.

i’ve been playing around on the guitar. i’m not positive that i can pick an actual favorite song by the decemberists because i just really love about everything that they do. they’re a fucking fantastic band. and they’re not too hard to pick up chords for. the only problem is that they have so many stringed instruments that i’m not very good at picking up which rhythm pattern is actually the guitar. oops. oh well. it sounds alright. and most of the time the strumming is too complex for me to be to great at it anyway.

there’s drama in the debate world. what’s a girl to do? ld wasn’t quite as good as parli but i pulled out okay. especially cos i need a new case and stuff. any ideas?

tonya and i made it to sims in debate today. fucking awesome. i was really proud of us. we also did a pretty stand up, satisfactory job once we got there. i really role a lot better when i have a crowd. go figures. jess loves her audience. lol. my k analysis was really passionate apparently. joe thought i was maybe going to cry. i thought i was on. this can only be fucking fantastic news for tomorrow. i wish i was addicted to uppers because they i could stay up all night and craft a new aff. i thought of an ironic position yesterday. i’d write about it but i’m busy flowing a round right now. plus someone would probably steal it.

debating has helped my mood. funny how i kind of require good debate like it’s food or something. i should’ve had that on my list yesterday. DEBATE IS FOOD!!! Oh man. the team today was trying to link out of the k. so i thought about saying “it’s like them trying to tell you ‘we only bite it with our top teeth’ which so counts on a k.”

my squad is like really rude during debates at finals. but phil talked all during all the speeches and skippy made faces. so take that.

i posted new photos on my facebook. excellent. of my family including mexico jones.

speaking of my pets, they put abigail to sleep yesterday. i’m pretty sad about it. she was so cuddly. daddy was really upset about it because he loved her very much. so did i. i’ll miss her everytime i see her sister i think. gabi was looking for her i guess. poor thing. it’s really sad. but i know we gave her a really good life while she was alive. it’s a really good feeling. knowing that the reason she was happy when she died is us.

i’m so glad i’m blogging again. it’s like a home i’d been avoiding. i’ve started with the poetry again too. see the links on the left.

i listened to the old97s this morning. it was pretty great. i’m a huge fan of rhett miller specifically. i’ve got some of the lyrics stuck in my head now (specifically…. “i was only nineteen….”) so many of their lyrics are really great. in one of the songs they say “i’ve thought so much about suicide parts of me have already died.” it hit home.

i treat this blog like no one reads it, which seems odd given that i used to obsess over wanting people to read it.

i’ve been suicidal only a few times in my life. (only a few?) and lately i haven’t been doing well. i’m trying to be open about this. i’m trying to be honest because if i say it then i can’t do it. because that wouldn’t be fair. i want to say that i would never kill myself. i think i’d stop myself before i let it happen. i don’t think i’d attempt it unless i meant for it to be successful because i wouldn’t want the attention.

i’m also trying to get help for it. not trying. i actually am getting help for it. i have an appointment on november 21. that’s only ten days away. i don’t know what i’m going to say to her. i’m really afraid i’ll just describe some cliché disorder to her. and just say “well i have symptoms 1+2+3+4+5” and she’ll be like “Yes, that adds up to disease 15” and then she’ll give me pills for disease 15 and they’ll not work and i’ll hate it all over again. i need to be more accurate. i need to describe this part of my process of getting medication and seeking help and see if through that i can get better.

i think that everytime i consider it i dehumanize myself a little more. i become more and more familiar with the idea of my own death and at the same time really distant from the people i love and from the people i know love me.

i think i’m getting better. i’m trying to be honest with everyone. i’m starting with myself.

maybe i’ll write an open letter to all of the people i need to write letters to and maybe they’ll read them and know its about them or call or write or anything basically. and maybe then i’ll feel better.

i need to learn a permanent coping mechanism. this method should not be: 1. cut myself; 2. lie so i don’t deserve anything; 3. act so i don’t deserve anything; 4. keep myself from ever being happy; 5. lashing out against others; 6. practicing poor eating habits.

Mom called a psychiatrist directly to get me an appointment with her. Apparently she’s in her own private practice and should be alright. She’s in the Mental Health cluster out around 29th and Wanamaker which is a good place. it’s where Janine’s office was/is and I have lots of good memories of going to get my headshrinked there. w00t.

i got a new watch. it’s pretty fun. from payless. and approximately 53 dollars cheaper than the one that i loved just like it by guess.

nope i’m definitely the one with the problem. mom’s calling a doctor tomorrow so i can get a decent referal to a therapist-psychiatrist. it should be good news. i think i’d like to start seeing janine again if i do the therapy route. which i should.