Category: Journal

i think everyone else is awkward and i’m the one who is well-adjusted.

my secret of the day is that i really miss living vicariously through other peoples livejournals. a certain few people in particular. i was reading them today because i dreamt last night that i had sex with this girl named valema who does not exist but was friends and former lovers of this girl whose livejournal i like to read in the dreamworld. the sex was mediocre and awkward at best.

so i thought i’d see what you were up to and it turns out that you’re up to the same old bullshit. writing in a style that i’m envious of and living a life that i want even though i can feel in your words an encapsulated loneliness that i only dream of touching. i hope all is well. do you ever feel comfortable in the knowing that you will never truly know someone only understand them from afar? i think i knew you in a past life and will love you in a future one.

the word coined to describe that feeling is longing.

when i was younger (and still) i was a master at describing symptoms to people in vague health fields in order to get a psychological diagnoses. if i described myself today the result would be: obsessive, paranoid. not to mention bipolar, anxiety disorder. this is why i’ve never trusted people in the profession of categorizing brain reactions.

i was thinking about seeing a psychiatrist. i think i should see a psychologist. i think i should get off my bullshitty bullshit insurance and try to find a way to get the psychological care i need to fix this. when i was sixteen it was easy. i cut myself. i want you to teach me to stop cutting myself. at nineteen the issue becomes more complex. i am my saboteur.

i work at the cap-j, right? and we have a tendency to get bizarre correspondance, usually in the form of letters and phone calls, from our devoted fans… i think today we got my favorite ever. it was a fax. that becomes important later. anyway, this man sent us a several-paragraph letter about how the other day we printed the jump to a page 1 article on page 2 of the same section and so now he wants to send the article to his friend and he can’t because it spills over onto the other side. he would just make a copy, he says, but his is broken and the one at dillons on huntoon (we call this dillons “ghetto dillons” and everyone does and has for years) is also out of commission. now remember that he is FAXING us this letter. he also TYPED the letter. Why doesn’t he just FAX the article to his friend? or perhaps he could cut it out in a weird pattern. Maybe there is even an option of buying a second paper. Who knows? The best part of this whole thing is one sentence. “This is not the biggest problem I’m facing right now.” Thanks, sir. I’m glad it’s not. Oh man. I hope he gets this whole thing worked out.

did i mention that i’m speaking at stoffer 103 at 7pm on wednesday about “shadows of a jewish poland”? I haven’ts een any lit up about it yet but i’m sure there’s some. excitement. everyone should come. EVERYONE. if you’re at WU and you have a history course try to sucker them out of extra credit for it, yo. it’ll make you happier.

je suis pauvre.

do you ever feel like you may be the sole reason why someone is “ruined”? can you actually pattern your impact on someone’s life even though you don’t talk to that person anymore? two things: one, news in a small town travels fast; two, when is the point that i start feeling bad about it?

cara and i saw shopgirl today. it was delicious. claire danes played her character very well. though she was a little awkward. it was weird. because the chemistry of claire danes and her character made her the perfect choice (probably) for the actress in that role.. because they seemed a little awkward in the same ways. also though jason schwartzman and claire danes ahd the correct on-screen chemistry for their roles which is again perfect for the script. bizarro. but the movie was good.

the whole time this woman (or perhaps women) sat behind cara and i and made the most bizarre comments about the movie. so we ended up cackling during scenes of the movie that should not have been laughed at because the women would just say the weirdest things. cara says she heard them ask “whya re they laughing?” multiple times. if only the knew. seriously though, they are the worst people to sit in front of in a movie ever. because they talk very loudly. even if it is amusing banter.

brandon was concerned when he found the two of us alone in joe’s room. mwah-hahahahahaha.

i’ve been cleaning this weekend and keeping my life organized. i even made a to-do list, twice. once on paper and again on my laptop cos it organizes itself better on my lappy and i couldn’t use it in french class. whee. what a great way to start the last quarter of the semester. haha. woops. maybe i should’ve done this earlier. like way earlier. heh.

i should probably try to hunt bearman to get some advising done. shall i add this to the list? if it means more procrastination on starting the crit essay? hell yes.

so i just got a phne call from my friend who is a marine. and it looks like he’s going to get deployed. i try to be supportive of all of this because you know, it’s what he wants to do and everything, but at the same time i’m a little terrified of him going. he’s been away from me now for some time. like i haven’t seen him except for once since may but he says he’ll come back for a few days in december. he also said that he would call me drunk tonight which is something worth looking forward too. blah. i kinda wish that he still just lived over by “the bad” walmart and i could go hang out at his house and do nothing except for feed off of the delicious green bean casserole in his fridge that his roommate made. or make fun of his super-posh couch. he was one of my first friends to grow up enough to get an apartment. he was also a first so many other things and it’s really hard to think about him being out of the country. i’ll just keep trying to tell myself that it’s no big deal because he’s on a different side of the country right now so i hardly get to talk to him. and maybe i’ll learn to be a good letter writer. it could be a good thing. it’s more that i need to learn to be a good letter sender because i never make it to the mailbox with my envelopes. i found a letter to him from his last bootcamp that i’d been using as a bookmark. if i remember right, the idea was that i would remember to send it because i’d be using the bookmark, but as it turns out this is not what happened.. and i just stopped reading the book. AUGH. i remember crying in Beatty’s class about this last semester. and now i’m just sad about it. But i came to accept it long ago. though i just kept hoping that all these boot camps and specialty camps would keep him from actually going to do the real thing. keep praying, please.

just a collection of recollections
conversations consisting
of the kind of marks we make
when we’re trying to get a pen to work again

a lifetime of them
(ani)

i’m sick like whoa. spending another day waiting for antibiotics and prescriptions to rest to work and i’m sipping grape juice out of a red wine glass not because i’m pretentious but because we have no clean glasses. rarrgh. the good news is: while inventing curtains for the windows out of sheets that i don’t NECESSARILY need, i discovered the hiding place of our good friend the remote. welcome to my sick day. please send flowers and come visit if you don’t worry about the wrath of my disease. it’s a sinus infection.

i am really sick and i’m at a debate tournament. the good news is that we broke to octas and then (unfortunately) met washburn and advanced to quarters where we dropped because the judges didn’t buy our fem k. turns out that judges don’t want to buy a fem k because 3 washburn teams dropped with 3 clear bites on 3 well-impacted feminist kritiks. oh no! we also watched monsters inc while ie rounds were going on. it’s a pretty fantastic movie and i cried when boo got scared by the monster that has to scare that little boy for his job. we didn’t get to stay for the end when they find out that little kid laughter is best for the powering of the city anyway. this is really too bad. monsters inc is a good reason why we should stay away from wormholes. we can’t guarantee that they’ll actually learn.

last night i dreamt that people were better than they actually are. how does this happen? who knows. but i woke up feeling like my entire perspective on humanity had changed and then became really depressed because i realized that people are completely guilty of all of their intentions. what the hell. so strange. but i don’t even know the details of the dream. i just woke up with this feeling. i don’t know. it’s interesting in its concepts. perhaps i’ll develop it later. or engage some of you rabid people in a discussion on the issue.

blogs are overrated now. everyone is critically analyzing the communication techniques in them. everyone has one. everyone reads them. man. i like the extra traffic but i sorta hate that they’re so flipping trendy.

in other news, my friend nicky is really sick and everyone should pray for her. this is one of the good things about blogs. it allows you to tell other people when you need them to pray for you or those around you. nicky is a really fantastic person. this isn’t doing her justice because i feel physically ill. but her problems are more severe, but hopefully not too severe.