i’m tired and i went 2-3 today but i did really well speaks wise. and i got to talk to flo on the way home about how she likes america and misconceptions about the united states. i really wish we didn’t appear so bad to other countries. i mean some of us have good intentions.
also, i redid my archive page so that its more functional now. look for a new i&p layout soon. and clamor too (shh. clayton).
i saw saves the day with p-money last night. we had a great time. spent most of the night with sarah, whitney, cj, that quiet kid from school, jj, and chrissy. or krissy. or whatever you spell it like. anyway. it was a fabulous show. afterward i got to hug eben. did i mention i
unfortunately, i was just reminded of what the best breakup albums are. madeline and i broke up on monday. p-money moves to seattle in a few days. sometimes, just existing hurts.
i’m wearing a red suit today because that’s my spirit color. svd says i have good stories. or maybe she said weird ones but either way that was nice and exciting. bah. i had to listen to this 90-year-old guy blabber for forever and it sucked. he was talking about nothing. and then he made my YC meeting go late. which made me late to work (only by a minute but still. i didn’t have time to eat and i was hostile) yah. so. i think that’s all. because i’m kind of against everything when i haven’t eaten.
but ::trumpet flourish:: i finished A Light In August and i think it ended well but that might just be because it ended at all. and for a while i wasn’t sure if it would. yay for being over.
the mock car crash was today. it was really upsetting. i had to see andrea in a body bag. and amy, jeff, and josh carried away on a stretcher. it was so crazy. and it was just terrible. i cried so much all day because i’ve been so upset about ‘losing track’ of those kids anyway and then today they all die or get seriously injured. fuck. it was so.. i can’t even describe the way that it felt. it made me detest people that drink. gah. especially those that drink and drive. ::glare:: or people who drive under the influence of anything because i’m pretty sure that despite summerish lapses in judgment, i totally oppose both. sXe.
yah that was tough then Willie Nelson (our bichon we’ve been fostering for like 3 weeks or more) had to go to Iowa today to his forever home. so i had steph on jess-watch from 4 till a little after 5:30 and lacey with me the rest of the time. i love those girls so much. i think i’m kind of jealous of both of them though cos they both have boyfriends that they get to see all the time now and i never get to see madeline and it really makes me sad. i want someone that i can see and be with all the time. and i don’t know who that’ll be. i also kinda feel like steph is ditching me for shawn by going to k-state. but i guess it is cheaper and i don’t know. maybe she’ll go to ku or something or think it out and change her mind. i just don’t want to grow apart from her too. damn its all so scary. i hate it and i hate feeling this way.
now, a rough transition from that to cutting. the movie the secretary (see the last entry) was about a girl that was a cutter and in it the guy she was falling in love with said something along the lines of “you do it because it makes you feel real and then when it heals its kind of comforting, don’t you?” and i realize that that’s why i cut to, when i did. but i haven’t cut since June. and i think i feel like i kind of outgrew it. like i still have those feelings but i just don’t do it now or something. i don’t know. i wrote a poem that i think was kind of about that and kind of about tommy the other day. it was called “as if to prove i’m real” and i think the point of it was that i could tear myself apart trying to prove to tommy that everything between us was real and i never lead him on or didn’t mean anything i said or meant to hurt him or anything but i’d have to tear myself apart to do it and i wouldn’t want to tear myself apart. it’s confusing and i’m not real sure how to explain it. i’ve gotten off topic though… Riley, when i told him about the movie, asked if i was still doing that and i told him i wasn’t and he said that i’d probably lie to him even if i was doing it still and i told him he was right but that i wasn’t doing it anymore so i wasn’t lying and i really actually wasn’t lying which i suppose is a first. and i told him that last time was june which i suppose means he can decide for himself if i am or am not a cutter anymore but its not something i consider myself to be. and i’m not sure why but i think some of it has to do with amelia and how she was just like “yah i noticed” when i told her and then she said, “don’t.” and that was it. and i started to make excuses and realized that there were no excuses and i haven’t done it since. i don’t think its worth it. and i don’t understand why i think i can detest people that are self-destructive by means of alcohol and drugs, etc. and then like actually hurt myself just to feel hurt. although i understand why people use alcohol and drugs and why people hurt themselves. but i just don’t think any of it is me. you know.
maybe this is a big step for me. and maybe i’m actually growing up. but it felt good to say what someone wanted to hear and actually have it be true.
madeline came over and we painted my room green. if i finish painting (there is still a wall left) then i’ll take pictures of it sometime. right now i’m getting ready to right an essay and do some calc (laughs because i’ll never get it done at this rate). what i’m really doing is watching oceans 11. before that madeline and i watched the secretary with maggie gyllenhaal. hotdamn she’s sexxxy. and that’s really all that i have to say about her. just that i want to bang her and if i can’t then it was nice to watch while someone else did. heheh. good movie though. really. and i got to spend time with madeline from noon till about 10 and mom didn’t even get all bitchy about madeline being in existence. yay! it was great fun. which is always the best part. i don’t feel so shitty today but i’m really tired.
i saw p-money at the mall today (and just about everyone else while we were out) it was nice. i was afraid the boy had ran away and that i wouldn’t see him ever again and what would i do without phil. anyway i saw him and about started crying and steph knew so we walked out to her car and saw tommy’s car and i was gonna leave a note for him and then decided that i needed to go inside to talk to him and i did and i decided that some people are just going to be cold and there’s nothing you can do about it. i think a lot of people are guilty of just blaming everyone else for their problems. i understand that i’m at least partially responsible for some of my character flaws. i also know that i have other factors that figure in on how i act and i hate it when people don’t look at things from my side. its just like because i’m the one that put an end to things i’m automatically the bad one. and i’ve almost accepted the fact that i’m a terrible person and so i accept blame about 95% of the time without even considering that there were factors that were completely valid that went into my decisions. curse curse curse. mumble mumble mumble. i don’t know. i’m just tired of justifying or feeling guilty for decisions that i have made in the past. sometimes, it just has to be done. i guess from the same aspect though, i’m bad about realizing what he may or may not have had to do.
lately i’m really scared that i’m going to lose people. i mean, there are some people that i see mostly just at school but i know they won’t go away. like josh. what would i do without that kid? but i’m sure he’ll still hang around after highschool. tormenting me with his conservativism. but like amy. she’s been in my life for all of my school career and she’ll just suddenly be gone. which is really sad. what if i DON’T see her around? then what. she’s just such a good influence and a good person and i think i need those kind of people in my life. maybe i shouldn’t worry because there will be more but i don’t know. she used to be my best friend and we hardly ever talk anymore and that bothers me. (but what am i doing about it? blogging.) i think phil’s moving to seattle is what really started this. its like now that i’m not forced to be in the system (or soon i won’t be) i have to actually make an honest effort to keep track of people and i’m afraid i won’t. i’m too irresponsible and selfish to keep in touch. so that’s my goal. keeping in touch.
i think i’m about blogged out. i just need to let it all settle for a while. so i’ll talk about frivolous things like movies. but this isn’t a bad one. its actually one that made me think alot. later, you can expect an analysis of my viewing of bowling for columbine and why i love steph and lacey. but right now. i need to run away for a while.
i had all this shit to say about how tommy is going out and getting drunk tonight and how pissed off i am about it because “i thought i knew him” or something. and i cried at work because i was upset that the only people that i care about feel the need to get drunk (period, but also fairly regularly) and i don’t really know what i could say to him, or if i should say anything to him, to make him feel better about himself so that he doesn’t feel like he needs alcohol. and i don’t know how to say it without being preachy. because i dont’ want to sound preachy because i’m not doing it to be that way. i just care about him and don’t want him to ruin his life. he’s so much cooler than he thinks right now and i wish i could convince him of that.
homecoming was today. rachel and dustin one which i think is cool they’re both hella nice and that’s good. although i’ll say they’re not who i voted for. still. i don’t think they were anywhere near the worst choices. all of the guys were pretty good. and there were two girls maybe 3 who i would’ve liked to see get it. i don’t know. it was alright. the parade was fun. fish floats rule. :)!
after i finish the layout for this site (tonight? hopefully) i’m going to make one for clamor that’ll be all kinda of fun. so i hope i get that done eventually. or at all. either would be an improvement. i also made http://blog.chaostasis.net all pretty which is good. cuz i’ve been meaning to for a long time now and i’m getting hostees and it now has valuable information on it. rock the fuck on.
thrice makes me melt.
