Category: Prose

you used to hit me when we were in the backseat, hard on the arm, but i never bruised. no take backs! and a grin from you and i was lost in your eyes and your smile, but i’d never tell you because you were a girl and that was weird and now i tell them for the first time over 6 years later and i still can’t look you in the eyes without getting those little butterflies and you still don’t know. it wouldn’t surprise me if she was, they say. i don’t mention that i’ve heard stories from mutual friends that weren’t supposed to say anything to anyone. but no one is listening to me: do you remember when we used to pretend to kiss? i think i’ve kissed you for pretend more than i’ve kissed anyone else.

the fire keeps going up and they started so early so as the sky gets darker it seems like the fireworks are getting brighter, they’re not. but we are. wandering around and fitting in telling jokes and just being each other without alcohol, drugs, or stereotypes. we’re just each other. we’re couples and loners. we’re friends and acquaitances. we’re invited or not invited. we’re from kansas or we’re saying we’re from fargot. and we are everything. its in this moment right here that i feel like i’m the future. its right there that i feel like everything really will be alright. and if she were here, i’d tell her i love you.

you drop my hand when we walk close to people and i understand because i was the same way and maybe i still am so it doesn’t hurt even a little. but inside somewhere i think, why can’t sixteen and seventeen year olds hold hands the way little girls do? but then, we were never little girls. were we?

you’re the only thing i feel like roping, as i suggest that we go back to the trails. think back to the times when we were alone together. we both lead the way back to where we were and we’re alone again. hallelujah. we cut the wrestling matches this time, and we get right down to the wrestling matches. your hands guide me to the ground and then pull me on top of you and we pay no attention to dirt. when its over we’re sweaty, dirty, and bitten. see, waking up early can be worth it.. you: yeah. me: really?. and you say yes even though you’d been saying no all day.

we lie down together because you’re comfortable and you’re tired and i’m tired and you’re comfortable. our fingers find each others and i feel almost bad for invading his bed like that but it doesn’t matter to us because we’re so tired and you’re so comfortable. because we are we for the first time and i don’t know what to do all wrapped up in wnting you so badly and he senses it that we mush together and i wonder if it was just all of my wanting that filled the room that he sensed sexual tension in and then you: but i don’t know where to take her which means you want me to which cuts away the awkwardness later.

my nerves jump back and forth across their neurons and synapses. my stomach awakens to butterflies fluttering. my heart beats quicker. my heart beats fast. my hands make fists to comfort nervous fingers and i obsess over it. but kissing you is like breathing or blinking and when i think about it i don’t know how to do any of it. so i don’t think about it because when you hold me i cant think about anything and then the words fall out of my mouth in a rush i want to kiss you

you and i were walking and i was wondering where we’d end up, we found a cliff. what a dead end stopping point, it seemed, but really a place to begin. we held onto the dirt while our apprehension and fears slipped away, eroding the dirt. when that was done, there was nothing to hold on to except for each other.

i pointed out that we’re all kind of like snails sometimes because it feels like we’re going so fast or so slow and all the while we’re really getting nowhere. but we’re everywhere and we feed on that. we don’t have shells though. that’s what i said. i do, you said. and i thought about walking down the proverbial trail and crushing you under my sneakers: in that good way.

i never told anyone, not even you that just as you climbed out of my car last night the rolling stones started singing, goodbye, ruby tuesday who could hang a name on you? and i knew right then that you were walking out my life. i also knew right away that you’d be back and that it wouldn’t be the same. you changed everything with that kiss. and when you hugged me goodbye you told me everything without saying it. i had to explain it to my ex; you had to explain it to your girlfriend. and there were no explanations except that nothing will be the same and that although it was so lusty, it was not filled with love and for that reason everyone should be able to put it behind them and not worry about it anymore. you’ll always be my beautiful brian i might say someday but i probably won’t because you’ll probably know anyway. and i don’t want to date you. i did tell you that, and i meant it. never before have i meant it when i’ve told you that. but our love for each other has changed and i think we’ve made the best of it. the rolling stones summed it all up that night as you walked away. i felt like smoking a cigarette; i felt so old right then. she’ll tell you ‘its the only way to be’.

my stomach is a little upset with the curdling feeling of so much milk, it my own damn fault, drinking it all like that, but what can i do about it i was thirsty. and it was 69 cents a pint. (i do believe id committ to both boys if they were only 69 cents a pint,er, and if they didn’t further my belief that i was a lesbian). now, here i am. waiting for someone to show up for pizza or something else. and i want to crawl all over this goddamn place, looking for you (you, you, you, you, you). i could fall down on my knees and scream for you. but you’d turn your head and never answer my call.