we sat so close: our hands almost touching, our fingers exchanging furtive glances, our legs whispering to each other; we were so close: our laughter started by each other, our voices carrying in conversation, our eyes doing most of the talkng; my heart beat faster: wondering what you were thinking, asking if our heart beat in rhythm, forgetting to pump blood to my body. i miss you now: remembering your touch.
close your eyes and pretend that you and i are fireflies. we’re lighting up a shoebox and meeting for the first time. there we sit, captured, waiting for the lid to open up and we make small talk. buzz you talk to me and buzzz i tak back, we’re making small-bug-small-talk. the others in the box pay no attention to us. and this box is our world and outside of our world more goes on: two little girls chase more fireflies around watching them light up in the darkness and giggling as they spin around in their dresses. someday they’ll be just like us, trying to light up a box enough to see their way out, but until then they’re just young and their parents laugh and watch them from the front porch. see how many you can get, whoever gets the most wins them all one says. the other tries harder to catch more so that she can let them all go. one day, she’ll be trying to let herself go. but until then. i buzz for you.
last night, i dreamt for real. when my head hit the pillow it stayed there long enough to find the sleep that brings dreams and i dreamt, but not of you. you have this way of calling when i’m thinking about you: where are you now though? and even if i can’t bring you into my subconcious i’m sure you’re there. if its just because i’m conciously thinking about you that you can’t be in the back of my mind. i have no idea what to think about you. but i like you because you gave me those butterflies that i couldn’t ignore. i told her not to be jealous of you. i told her its not because of you but in a way it is. because when you held my hand i felt okay and when you let go i didn’t feel okay again. you look like someone i could fall in love with because when i see you its from so far away that you couldn’t hurt me, without me having time to prepare. and that’s all this love-game is about: to hurt, and to get hurt. i wonder if you’re a giver or a taker. maybe we’re both.
you pick me up because i’m walking and looking lost, you’ve been tripping but you’re pretty and fast in a beat up utility van painted all colors of the rainbow or maybe i’m just seeing rainbows because you’re someone knew and i’m falling hard for you. you take us back to wear were staying and i tell the kids i won’t be long. we run off together to an apartment not far from where you found me. everything is dirty but its a cool atmosphere like you robbed a seventies thrift store and took it home in boxes that you never unpacked. we’re all just trying to live and love. no reason to care what our house looks like.. the housemates smoke me up and we’re sitting around just looking in your mirror and the colors are so bright and the words are on the tip of my tongue: i want you on the tip of my tongue. but i don’t say it because i barely know you, and that’s why i want to make you mine. so i just smile at you and you smile back and we let the drugs take us away, meanwhile, i’m hoping you’ll take me away.
the first taste is so wonderful because you feel like you’re in control of being out of control and thats how great it is. so great, you want to hold onto it and remember it forever but then you come down (and hard) and you forget what it felt like you just remember hating for it to end so then you try it again. its not as good this time but you still want it, more and more and more. so you keep doing it and then you’re so high that you start coming down perpetually. on and on and on until the pain is seeping out through your veins and no amount of miligrams could make you okay again. you sort of want to pop your eyes out, that’s the equivalent of stopping all together. so you stop. and it hurts so bad you swear off of it altogether. and then one day you see it and you remember how to get it. you’re lying in the streets with your strawberry burns and when they get there you’re too unconcious to feel anyone taking you away. when all along you just wanted someone, anyone to take you away.
you have that look in your eyes again like you want me more than i could ever know and i just avert mine because i know i don’t want you nearly as badly as you want me but i still want you kind of so i hang around, debating whether leaving you or staying with you would be the worst. instead i make offhanded comments, you know, girls are crazy. and you say you know but you like me anyway and then we kiss our lips meeting like white and dark chocolate and so i say it louder. no really, they’re just fucking insane. if i wasn’t one i’d avoid them at all costs but you say you like me and you stay. don’t say i didn’t warn you.
i’m so tired of jumping for you through your goddamn hoops and trying to do backflips (really just falling on my ass) i’m growing wearing of trying to exist i’m just letting go and falling apart in my bedroom with comforters so soft and successful in their task. even if you were down blankets you could not keep me wrapped up in you i’m writhing out, i’m sorry, i hope some day you’ll understand but maybe you never will and then again maybe you can’t. i’m standing at such great heights looking down upon you there i’m not sure if you’re yelling to me: either “jump and i will catch you” or your silent so silent because you jumped before me and i won’t go. i’m sorry. but you’re too far gone to hear me now, i’m sorry. as i fall to my knees right there i scream it louder. my screaming, sobbing voice falls on deaf ears you’ve tuned me out now i’m sorry.
today your hand was on mine then it was in between my legs then it was dancing with your tongue in the same location. my tears were in their storage places and then being held back and then flooding my vision. but its not that i didn’t want you to or that you made me or that i thought i’d want you to stop. but i did want you to stop. and i said nothing until the words escaped from my mouth: i’m done. and in my head, what a marvelous way to make it end.
you made me say i love you tonight because you’re scared of what will happen when your mom finds out that you owe the government two-hundred and thirty dollars. so i said it in a rush of words and then in my head i immediately took it back, so that you could say it back to me but neither of us could mean it because it wasn’t meant to be meant this time and that way you couldn’t leave me and i couldn’t leave you either. because love is just an excuse to leave someone and i won’t stand for it anymore. just the same, i said it. and you said it too. and it wasn’t meant to be meant but i think i mean it (subtly, as in the way your hair falls over the frames of your glasses). so what if i do mean it. so what if you do owe the state. you’re going to make it through everything and i’m going to make it through this and we will leave each other someday but apollo will carry us through. and still, i’ll turn to memories of you. but when you said it it reminded me of how she said it and how i wanted so badly to say it back to her but now i feel like i never did. oh, p-money, what are you doing this for?
i had a dream last night that i fucked her. except i wasn’t alseep; therefore, it wasn’t a dream. and it wasn’t fucking. lets open a window.
