Author: Jess

its like i don’t even know what to say when i look at this white screen and its just so damned intimidating. maybe tomorrow i’ll sit down and try to compose a poem about it at the funeral or something. i’m in such heavy denial. like its awful. cos i know it but i just can’t put 2 and 2 together. i never saw him much anyway and now hes gone and its just like he’ll be there next christmas. and i don’t remember much about anything. like hes just erased from my memories. and i don’t know whats normal or natural in dealing with this. i just know that its difficult for all of us. i guess my brother broke down tonight finally. i feel bad that i wasn’t here to talk to him. because i really wish i would’ve been. the little rat means soo much to me and i just wish he could’ve talked about it with me but i suppose that we’ll have plenty of time for that. i don’t know what to do or what the fuck i’m doing. i’m just coasting.

its like i’m driving and suddenly i realize i’m in neutral. its like one of those packages that comes with a seal that says “don’t open until xmas.”

my uncle died on friday (suicide). it was mostly unexpected although i suppose that in retrospect i think that everything seems completely expected. its a weird situation. because in the last few years hed developed a severe problem with alcoholism and was hitting my aunt and i didn’t really think he should stay with her. and he’d threatened to kill both of them before and she wouldn’t leave him and i don’t know. it was just a bad situation. and i don’t really think i’m even sad he’s not alive anymore right now. i don’t know what to think. because in all honesty i think that people who abuse other people deserve the harshest punishment possible. and then he’s my uncle and he’s dead and he did it so disgustingly (they’ve said its like a final hoorah.) and then it makes me sad because he used to be a good person and now he’s dead and my only memories of him that are recent are of him being an asshole. and i just don’t know how to be anything but numb.

and i feel like everything is ugly in this world. like i hve to search hard for the beauty of it all. because it seems like every wonderful person i know has so many bad things happen to them. but maybe that’s what makes them a beautiful person. i don’t know. maybe its reviving out of the ashes all phoenix-esque. i’m just so numb and dead to everything. and madeline called and i couldn’t even talk to her. because she was something beautiful in the world and i can’t get past that. and i’m still not even at the point where i want to. maybe i could feasibly move on but i just.. what if she’s all there is? because thats how its felt for so long and she means so much to me and i just can’t rationalize that we just can’t be together right now because of other circumstance. even love gets hurt by the ugliness of the world and i don’t know how to fix it. or what to think about it. i’m just so sad.

i did get to meet my new cousins baby. isabella is so incredibly cute. she’s pretty. and she’s something beautiful and for whatever reason, even though i don’t like babies, she’s something beautiful in the world. and i just can’t stop smiling when i’m around her. she’s great.

the funeral is wednesday. if anyone has an antedote give me a call.

the world is crazy. i just don’t know what to do with it. i’ve been hit with so much shit this year. all stuff that’s true of the world, not just high school. there’s so much dying, and so many people that need help. i don’t know why all of the wonderful people that i know are having such a difficult time with their lives. really, she’s a great girl and she doesn’t desrver any of this. and sometimes i step outside and i look down and realize that everything that’s happening really is happening and i can’t change it. but i wish i could. i wish i could put everything into a little box for her that she could set down and free her hands and she wouldn’t have to hurt anymore. or i wish that people like that didn’t exist in the world in the first place. really. its just not fair. or maybe it is fair because theres retribution. and then it kills me that things like this happen and people get away with it. i hope that living with something like that is punishment enough but i know that he deserves much much worse. theres something about watching your friend walk into a counselor’s office and knowing there is nothing you can do by yourself to make things better for her that makes everything feel so damn meaningless. and i guess all you can do is pray. even though that seems silly and stupid sometimes. because i’ve always felt like my problems aren’t so big that god needs to handle them. but i’m totally sinking in. and i need someone there for me. but everytime i start to talk its like i realize how bad everything is for everyone else and i feel better about myself. i just don’t know what the problem is with me. i need to fix things. i want to make things better for everyone. i want so much from this world. and i’m finally at an age where i can start to work toward doing something about it and i’m fucking terrified. i have no idea what i’m doing half the time.

i’m going to take my friends and move to canada. and we’re gonna die of old age. (ani) at least i have this to help things along. and the friends i have really are phenomenal. especially kandy and lacey. i don’t know though. its just difficult. and i feel so insignificant. and i really wish that i could make things better. but maybe i just can’t right now. and maybe this will impact my life in a way that i will impact the lives of others positively. i’m sorry boys, i think i just became a feminist. why can’t every decent man and woman call themselves a femnist, out of respect(ani, again)

i don’t even understand this but its at least relatively amusing.

why the fuck does the media care about haiti? this kind of upheavle has been going on for years (decades, centuries) in haiti and other latin american countries. and i just don’t understand why the media has picked it out. and for that matter, this particular rebellion started last year. the new york times started covering it on jan. 3 (the earliest file i have, but i’m sure it was earlier) and i don’t really understand why the world got all hyped up about it last week. are they terrorists too?

*static|jr mentions Syph0n and winces

i’ve been listening to the downward spiral lately. its such a great album. i’ve also been noticing how ugly the planet and some of the people are on it. and the people that i love so much have so many bad things happen to them. it’s depressing.