Category: Journal

It’s so nice to know when you have people on your side about things. Even if it is by mutual distaste, I think it’s just a really grand feeling to have the world with you when you consider things.

I judged Flint Hills NFL today and got to see all the rad debaters there. Awesome. I really love the Flint Hills kids, even the new ones tend to rock. I got treated well by Naylor too. I showed up right after first round started (not scheduled to judge at all) and I sat around with James for a while because he showed up late for what he was scheduled for. I ate the munchers I had grabbed when I took Joe to KC and we talked about how much days off work suck, cos really they do. When i finally was assigned rooms, i got to watch OO and then FX later. The OOs were good and a pretty easy, obvious decision. It was like the ranks walked in the room in reverse order. 4-3-2-1. Then FX was pretty good too although that one was a bit harder. i was head judge in the room too so I know that it was kind of random bullets. They ranked all over. I feel bad for the kids cos they had myself, one woman who is pretty good at forensics stuff, and then one woman who had no idea about anything and kept interrupting me before the round.

I also got to see TuTu which is always a trip. I’m sure I’ll make his photo list on facebook which I’m pretty fucking excited about, lol. He commented that he thinks my breasts have grown. I said “yah, i tend to gain wait evenly and then lose it only from my stomach. it works out well.” he said “well they look bigger.” and i said “Thanks, i think. You know. you’re incredibly awkward in social situations.” but that’s just sorta how Tutu is and I think it’s what i respect about him. Apparently he has two tests coming up that he needs to do really well on to stay at KU. I hope that works out for him. What a crazy kid.

What else happened? I don’t know. Mostly just drama in the debate world. Seaman needs to find a permanent coach and I guess it’s a pretty contentious decision. Lots of crazy news in that world.

I really miss the circuit. I’m also really excited about Michelle and this girl from Emporia who are coming to WU next year. Sweet fucking stuff. Michelle got a leadership scholarship which is good news for the institute because I was probably going to kill them if she didn’t get one. We need more sweet people in the institute and in the history department.

Oh yah! Joe and I are Pres and VP of Phi Alpha Theta next year! Hooray for us! I’m so excited about taking it over. I’m also planning on really stepping up my comittment to the leadership institute. I should probably go talk to Gary about that. I feel like I’ve hardly participated these past two years. Cara and Kinsley leaving should open up a huge void that I hope to fill. Even though I’ll miss them both a whole lot. They’ve been in a lot of ways like my big sisters. Especially Cara cos she’s usually around and we’re interested in a lot of the same things. She’s been a really great mentor to have, officially and unofficially. I should tell her these things in a more public way. Perhaps, a letter? Yes, I think that would be very nice.

I feel like my entire universe is crashing all around me. The good news is that I cleaned the apartment so now the living room and kitchen are mostly not in dissaray. Also, i’ve been cutting down on soda intake because Easter was inspiring. And I don’t want the empty calories. I do believe that I’d be anorexic if not for my lack of willpower. Although i have the most dysmorphic body image. It’s all over the map, known to change not from day to day but hour to hour. Mwah-ha.

Mom called today to say that she switched my furniture for hers because she wants the nice furniture “back.” I pointed out that it’s never been her furniture it’s always been mine and she said that she wanted to keep it nice and “you kids put pop cans all over everything.” My response to this was that I don’t even live there to put fucking pop cans on my dresser. I said that I probably hate the room now. I told her that I just don’t see how it could look good cos the furniture is way too big for my room and the other stuff matches the bed. I said that my bedroom is a place that I enjoy coming home to and now it will be all different.

I do not know how to communicate to my mother that that bedroom has been my single consistent point of solace since I was a small child and I would prefer if she left it the hell alone. I don’t know how to remind her that she said when I was moving out for college that she wanted to leave my room the same so that I had a place to come back to and so that I would still feel like i was part of the family. I feel like I’ve been erased from the family. Like I somehow died and now they’ve moved past me and they’re starting to redo their lives again which means taking my good furniture. I don’t know how to tell her this. Where are the words for it? I do not know.

I don’t know if I plan on living at home this summer anymore. Fuck if it doesn’t feel like somewhere far far away from me now. I don’t need this now. I’m not very emotionally stable, and I’m stressed anyway.

I know that it is just a room that no longer matches. I know that it is just furniture. But when you get past all of that stuff, really, it isn’t. It’s so much more.

today was a really good day, i think. i debated jeff jones in my first round and hopefully picked up. id on’t know what my record ended up being but i’m really happy that i got out of prelims and debated in double octs. in double octs i really felt good about the round and totally thought i won, but i guess shaw pulled it out. i admit that i was really upset about it because i’m so competitive and i hate to lose and i had really thought that i’d won, plus everyone was telling me that i won. also, shaw pretty strategically made a brand new argument in his last rebuttal which sucked because i had a response i could’ve made. i guess that’s my fault for not pre-empting the argument he could’ve made. i guess i didn’t really see it. i just wish he would’ve made it sooner because it’s a slimy thing to do and i respect him more than that. who does he think he is? jeff jones? ugh. I also feel like i had a lot of reasons why I really wanted to win. my debating was in so many ways for mckeithan. i had a huge desire to win so that i could look back on this year as a memorial to him. but i suppose every debate is a memorial to him anymore, and my debates this tournament were amazing. if they are at all indicative of what i am capable of doing, i think i’m going to be an awesome debater in the next two years of college. i’m so excited to completely dedicate myself to the competition and see what i’m capable of. also, i really don’t mind losing to Shaw because he is 1) a senior; 2) probably a better debater than me despite what happened in that round; and 3) a mizzou boy. and i love the mizzou boys.

mass was really good too. we read mark about mary magdalene and mary going to the tomb and finding the stone rolled away. the homily was really good as well. i’m exploring the reason why the marys “told no one” about what they saw. i’ll probably write about it later.

this tournament has really proven to me what can be accomplished through the will and strength of God. What a great time. I think I also feel way more secure on the squad right now. It’s just been a good weekend as far as me feeling like part of the group and everything. I’m excited to be on the team and excited about all of the other people on the team. I guess I don’t really know what has changed, but I think it’s a good thing for me now. And I’m also positive I can really get into being an activist and volunteering this summer and next year while still pursuing knowledge about debate. Maybe I’ll start reading about energy now. Who knows.

Asia has been an interesting time. I’m going to miss my Great Apes aff a lot. I really loved that case.

i put up a new layout yesterday, it’s based on the death cab for cutie song “moviescript ending” but i think that’s pretty obvious. i’m pretty satisfied with it. it’s not quite as bright and crazy as my last layout was but i think that will be a good thing. i’m also not exactly positive that i like it as much as my last layout, it’s much simpler, but i think that at worst it will just lead to my changing my layout more often. hopefully. i’d like to do more graphic design stuff again.

we’re at nfa and it’s going pretty well. i feel super confident about all 3 of my rounds and we’re down to like 5 left i think? i’m not sure. i guess there are 8 rounds. yah. there are, i just counted. I AM VERY SMART.

i feel like i don’t have a whole lot to blog right now. I’ve been trying to be more poetic in the way that my life works, I think it’s a good thing.

Later I’ll probably blog about how upset I get about West Papua, but until then… au revoir.

the last entry was my nine hundredth entry since 2003 (August). THat’s pretty crazy. I should get it updated all the way through freshman year when I first started my opendiary. That would be so intense and I’d be super happy if I could have it all together so I could perhaps get it published into a more permanent copy in whatever form. Does cafe press still do that? I think so.

i visited my parents tonight. it was a lot of fun, but i feel bad cos i hardly ever get out there. i used to make much more of an effort to see much more of them but now it’s like all of my time gets eaten up by all of the things i am involved in. i’m hoping that i can spend more time with them in the near future. summer should make this pretty easy.

the weather is so incredibly nice. it was around 85 today, according to the banks. tomorow is supposed to be 91. i love spring so much. it just makes me so happy that the sun stays out and i can do things. i adore it. i played with sammie in the yard for a while today but she’d been out quite a while before i got out there to play with her so she didn’t want to do too much. i threw a ball to see if she’d fetch it cos usually she’s really playful and she just went and sat down by it. what a lazy dog! i went and sat down with her and pet her in the yard. it’s nice because she recently got a bath and you can tell. her fur is all soft and actually white. she’s really pretty when she’s clean but that’s hardly ever. i guess she really is her sister’s dog. lol.

i also painted my nails. they’re pink. with a base coat and top coat. mom said thta she didn’t have the patience for it, which i believe, but i just did it in shifts. it took forever though because i had to shift colors in the middle. i just hope it’s an alright color. its like a dark mauve-y pink. i think it will match all three of my suits that i’m wearing at nationals though and this should be good enough news. fantastic. even.

speaking of suits: I spent too much money yesterday and i don’t regret a dime of it. joe decided we should go to lawrence and i couldn’t really argue with his logic and it meant driving highway fourty with the windows down so of course i went. we got into lawrence around 4 and went to borders so we could legitimate our claim to their parking lot. next we went to the third planet where i decided i should try to buy more sarongs. i think they’d be fun in the summer and they’re so cool. the problem is that they’re hard to tie on. so i just bought a ring instead cos i know i’ll wear that. it’s just a pretty simple white stone with some flowers in the silver its set in. very cute, very matching everything, and very simple. i want lots more rings.

then we headed toward love garden. joe had never been. how can this be? is it even possible for someone to date me for that long and never be exposed to all of the glory that is love garden? apparently. i took him in. and now i understand why he likes kiefs. of course you would like kiefs if you’d never been to love garden. excellent. i bought Isobel Campbell’s new album. It was recommended by Jerrod and seemed like a worthwhile purchase. It turns out that I was totally right in my assumption. Oh man, it’s like Tom Waits meets Leonard Cohen with Isobel Campbell (It’s a project with a man whose last name I can’t remember, Mark Something). I love it!

We grabbed some dinner at Qdoba and still had enough time when it was done to casually wander back down Mass toward the car. We went in Wild Man Vintage and I found a suit for 12 dollars. Fucking awesome. It’s a mint green color and I like it a lot.

Today was National Day Without An Immigrant, which is a grassroots day for immigrants rights. I guess the idea is that you’re supposed to boycott shopping and wear white for peace and some people stay home from their jobs. I don’t know if its if you’re an immigrant or not…. cos i didnt’ do that part. Joe and I also went to the rally they had at the capitol building. it was a lot of fun. i really like rallies, even if this one was mostly in spanish. i really wish i spoke it. though it’s close enough to french that i could understand about 1/8th of what was being said, maybe a little more. still not enough though. while we were listening to it started to come back to joe. it was funny cos he was just suddenly able to translate the blippy things they were saying. haha.

i’m so glad that joe and i went to the rally. it was just a really amazing experience, and it was pretty sweet because i got to see people i dont usually see. my friend leif who i have morse’s class with was there, as was laura, nikhil, jackie and ryan. it was just mostly awesome. i also saw that guy from HALO who I like so well. I wish I had more time to talk with him. I don’t think we’ve ever had a conversation we just figure we’re struggling against The Establishment and go about our ways. Such fun.

I went out Thursday and Saturday night to Travis’s and Will’s respectively. Both times were pretty effin rad. It was really nice to see people I hadn’t seen in a long time at T-ravs and Wills was more laid back and it was an 80s party and all of the people there were really sweet. I just had a good time and it’s also pretty nice to spend time hanging out with people and socializing instead of just writing papers and watching tv all the damn time. going out is fun, it turns out. and its fun because i think i’ve grown up enough that i’m not just really immature whenever i go out and i can drink and stop when i need to and it’s not like this terrible thing i do to myself.

sam said that she thinks i’m self destructive or have a self destructive personality type or something. i asked her if she thinks that because i destroy everything from the inside. and then we talked for a while about destrutiveness and how everyone is an alcoholic in some way, even if its not alcohol. i sorta agree that we all have our addictions. i’m pretty sure hers and mine aren’t dissimilar, as well, so she wasn’t so hard to talk to. it made me think about how i used to cut myself. and how i flood myself with so many things that are fattening and gross. i don’t know. i think i need to take better care of myself in the end but i’m starting the path of doing it which is good for me and i think i love me again and that is good as well. feeling like i am a positive contributor to society and the lives of those around me is a great place to be. i adore it.

now if i can only get this stupid comment spam to stop being an issue. ugggh. it’s driving me crazy.

Now, while I am not quite sure where I stand on the issue… I think this article does a pretty decent job covering some (albeit biased) perspectives on veiling. Everyone should check it out and read the political cartoons while you’re there. I’m just saying, Muslims really are down with the free speech. Until we bomb their country. Following Faith and Fashion.

the downside of being manic depressive is that sometimes you have to be depressive. i had a somewhat breakdown while driving around in the rain today. i was listening to the stone on you mix and thinking about how i feel like i have to be a grownup now but really i’m not a grownup. because being a grownup is shitty and i dread it and i, catch-22 style, want to be a grown-up because i feel like i can’t accomplish everything as a little kid but i also am pretty confident that i’ll fuck around and not actually accomplish anything as an adult so i sorta don’t want to be a grown-up in the same way. bizarre. it leads to a lot of depression related issues. but who knows. i’m sure i’ll grow out of it.

we watched thumbsucker tonight. i think this is also some of the reason i was depressed. i remember reading the book when i was a freshman in high school (or maybe the summer before) and feeling like it epitomized me. or feeling like i really related to that kid. or something. i just really felt like it was some piece of me in a really good way. so i’m watching this movie and joe points out that whenever he watched a movie that someone else liked he tries to figure out WHY they liked it specifically. and we knew that steve had seen it so he keeps saying “well maybe it was this.” and then i point out that steve didn’t necessarily like it that much because he just told us he had seen this movie and then sent a line from it. but he didn’t say that we should really see it because it was particularly good or anything. so i’m watching the movie and trying to find traces of myself in it. and i suppose i find them. and i suppose that makes me really depressed. because wasn’t i supposed to go to a more glamourous college? probably. or at least i think i thought i would. and here’s this kid. applying to nyu. and i never applied anywhere nearly that cool and i get really down on myself about it even though i think life is alright or as it should be at washburn. i don’t know. it also depresses me because seriously i remember the book as being much better than the movie. and i can still remember enough of it that i can enumerate the major theme shifts in the movie from the book. it annoys me when directors do that. because now no one can make a movie based on the book thumbsucker. so this is it. and you’ve gotta just hope people read the book to get the themes that were big in it. because some bastard (even if it is the author) had to take this much creative license.

i listened to konstantine in the car. that’s why i had my breakdown. “because everybody needs a little more room to live.” i started crying around “i can spell confusion with a k and i can like it, it’s to dying in another’s arms and why i had to try it…” i probably peaked around the sleeping in the living room lyric that follows the ones just cited. uggggggh. why do i do this? the beautiful thing about the stoned on you mix is that more than anything it’s a story of me. and the movie strays too far from the text.

i watched two men get arrested tonight. it took 6 cop cars to accomplish it, apparently. they treated the men like animals. they had guns drawn and had the man lay on the ground so they could cuff him. i don’t know what they did. but i hate how in society, violating the laws of that society takes you outside of the Humanity caste. I mean, I guess we all get those rights if we break the law. I suppose we’re all “protected” in some way by these fences we set up in society but I’m with Thoreau: If I didn’t physically sign that social contract then fuck ya’ll, i’m out of it. ps. i think anarchy is where it’s at. even if it does elicit joe to ask me what my political philosophy is this week. it all jives together and i’ll explain it if you’ll be open-minded and let me take my time.

I’m listening to in the aeroplane over the sea (king of carrot flowers, part i) and being all crazy and manic because the weather is great and it makes me really happy. I wish I could move somewhere that it would feel like the start of summer all the time because that’s what makes me most happy. it’s the opposite of that sinking feeling that lives in your stomach when you hear bad news. and it’s what makes life the most worth living.

i love everything right now. even me. and even being twenty.

so tonya and i didn’t get out. we went four-four which i guess is okay considering i had the flu and a lot of other people really didn’t get out on our squad even those we’d expect. so i don’t know. i feel bad for joe cos he’s pretty upset. but jotto and steve and marcus and annaleigh and sleepy and dan got out so that’s all really good news. i don’t know. my flu is better. but i’m pretty pissed off. because seriously i really prefer to do really well. although i think we maybe got four teams out which is pretty good cos if that did happen then we’re still positioned pretty well for sweeps. and i think that most of the teams that are out are pretty good at outrounds which tonya and i tend to struggle with so it would be alright. urgh.

i just hate blaming all of it on the flu. cos it really wasn’t all my flu. i mean, yah i was sick and that would mean things but we got straight screwed out of one round, then another tonya had to be LO because i didn’t have a voice and i was much better situated to engage in the case debate so we ended up doing really poorly… plus i couldn’t really speak. so that sucks. i need to bitch about this. probably on paper.

ps. keeping a paper journal is kinda weird. cos sometimes i just write bizarre things in it. but overall i think it’s good because i can be more fluid and free of thought, not that i censor this too much…. or that i really feel that much safer in a paper journal but i think i just write differently and it’s pretty overwhelmingly better for me. i wanna wander over the qdoba and get a soda again because it is sunday and soda’s are delicious.