Category: Journal

i cleaned joe’s bathroom tonight because the bathtub was absolutely revolting and i couldn’t handle taking a shower in it even because i always felt completely disgusting when it was all over. ick. so i cleaned the bathroom with baking soda and lemon juice (its like the best combination ever, i’m not even kidding). it went pretty well. i cleaned the floor too which isn’t as much fun as cleaning the bathtub but then cleaning the bathtub left me with lemon juice and baking soda burns on my arms and elbows. oi.

after that, we hung around for a while to try to waste some time to hang out with steve but he took a while and then we decided to watch the movie we’d rented and we watched the life of david gale. it was a really fucking good movie. it’s all about the death penalty and journalists and death penalty activists. i liked it a lot. it brought up some interesting points and as far as movies go.. it was a pretty good one as far as movies go. the editing was good and the script and i love kevin spacey in general and kate winslet as well. i’d probably recommend it to about everyone. especially hippie liberals and their friends. yah.

it’s 2 am and i have an 8 am dentist appointment. ps. i hate the dentist with this unending anti-Dentite passion.

alright. i’m nineteen. my birthday has been really wonderful. probably the best celebration of it i’ve had so far. it began on thursday. i had a test on thursday and had to renew my liscense so steve picked me up and took me to renew my license. that experience was pretty entertaining because they didn’t even grade my damn test. i was pretty fucking angry. i spent lots of time circling little answers and then they didn’t even grade it. bitches. worse, SVD didn’t even have to take the test but that’s probably because she’s sarah VAN AWESOME! woot.

after my driving test, i hung out with steve at his house and we took a short nap (happy birthday you’re 80!). then, he took me out to olive garden and we had a really enjoyable dinner. though i don’t think i like their spinach artichoke dip. because the bread is way too sharp. and its like they’re trying too hard. it still is olive garden and that will never ever change. they might as well put bologne in it. haha. but the food was good. and my ravioli di portobelli was delicious as well.

after steve and i finished dinner we had a party. that was awesome. i drank way too much. way. way. way. too much. but it was an awesome party for the most part. at one point in the evening i was triple fisting whiskey, vodka, and beer. haha. and i wonder why i had a hangover most of the day yesterday… oi. steve and annaliegh decided to stay with jotto and i instead of trying to go all the way home. yay for my birthday.

tonight mom and dad took me out for my birthday and we ended up going to china inn first because i figured that would be good chinese food at a restaurant my mom rarely bitches about. so we went to china inn and nothing on the menu was vegetarian. i’m also at the point now wear eating meat makes me sick. so i couldn’t just pretend that it wasn’t actually meat. we decided to leave for jade garden and i’m not even upset about the china inn-cident because i got to spend more time with mom and dad and it was pretty good. except for the part where they lectured me about trying to go into a career field where there was no money. eegh. fucking parents. i explained to them that they have no idea what i want to do with my life and should just be quiet. so they asked what i planned on doing and i said a lot. probably in law and the foreign service. and if they wanted me to not go abroad then they should be warned that my domestic calling is pro-bono-representation of rape victims. so there. i think they’re more-or-less settled down about it now.

ps. i added archives and fixed some of the alignment issues on this layout. the stylesheet for comments has been changed too.

so spring break kinda kicks yr ass when suddenly you have a nine-o-clock class again and then where are you with yr day? oh wow. i was up until approx. 3:30 am with Jotto talking about old shit that we’re still bitter about, oh oh how important high school debate is in the grand scheme of things. i don’t really know why we didn’t sleep. i think its out of self hate more than anything else. grr.

the bright side is that the weather is so fucking wonderful today. i woke up kinda happy to be alive in march. and i’ll be 19 in a few days which will probably be kinda cool as well. it’s hard to say. i never had much of an affinity for 19. Though i guess i kind of did. and i always had an affinity for 17 and look where that got me. how much shit happened with i was 17? like whoa. most of it bad all of it lifeshattering, worldshaping. i suppose i’m finally what i wanted, right? grown up? nah. i guess a rather large contingent of my high school acquaintances are getting married this summer or within the next few years. its kind of scary. and i can’t believe it. who would want to marry? eegh. especially when one is so incredibly young. and people are like “well they’ve been dating for a while i guess.” and then “like a year, you know.” whoa. you have like 27 years to be married. just keep on dating and keep on loving and keep on living. that’s all. i’m not even afraid of marriage anymore. at least, not as much as i’m appalled by it. oi.

it looks like i’m going to probably go to the czech republic this summer for a few months. oh this girl is so excited.

i need a new (additional) job. someone hire me, please.

steve bought y tu mama tambien for me as an early birthday present thanks, in part, to the mentioning of tim that they had it at blockbuster for cheap. it’s probably the hottest movie ever to be seen on something other than the spanish handjob channel. i’m so excited. we’re supposed to watch it together tonight. and i’m thinking we should eat chinese food as well so i might surprise him (or ask him) if that’s okay before i come over… lately i think that moo shu vegetables are about the best food known to humankind.

easter this year is going to be different because we’re not going to do anything with the family for a variety of reasons that mostly stem from mom not wanting to see her sister and my cousin having a new baby. i guess we’re going to go to paula’s for dinner instead. this will probably suck kind of for me because i’m vegetarian and the menu seems to be pretty top heavy in murder. dammit. but i wanted to do easter somewhere this year… mom and dad apparently decided we should just do nothing. luckily when my brother and i found out we freaked out and fought them on this issue (well, we fought mom) and she called paula to get us reinvited over there. oi. i’ll probably try to make some food for myself so that i can contribute to the meal and eat as well. augh.

it seems like everyone is having a baby today or yesterday. my cousin’s wife gave birth yesterday and dave’s wife went into labor today. my brother’s spanish teacher and another woman my mom works with went into labor today or had their baby yesterday as well. ridiculous number of births. and no reason for it really. i mean i guess there was lots of unprotected sex 9 months ago. but honestly. when is that? like june of last year? why do people have high amounts of sex in june? this girl, for one, does not understand.

i held my cousin’s baby today. his name is jackson edward. and he’s pretty cute. i’ll grant that. he’s so small though it’s pretty ridiculous. and i’m pretty sure he doesn’t know that he’s out of the womb yet. he just sleeps and hangs out in his blanket and looks like his skin hasn’t quite fit to his bones yet. he only weighed 6 lbs. 6 oz. at birth and they lose a little weight after they’re born so i guess he weighs less than that now but honestly. he didn’t even wake up while i was there and i held him for a while. me holding a baby is pretty scary. at one point i realized that i could throw him on the ground and he’d probably die. and that isn’t true of very many things. even my dog peanut who is maybe smaller than the baby is capable of surviving me throwing it on the ground. but he wouldn’t react to it. he’d just be like “AUGH! I’M A BABY! AUGH!” and that would be that. immediately when i had this thought i saw the event unfold in my head and realized how mad everyone would be at me so then i freaked out about how i was holding this little life. i’m sure i’ll like him until he starts fighting with isabella (read: isabella gets jealous of him and starts fighting him) at family functions. that’ll pretty much suck.

i guess my aunt only spent about an hour over there today. probably because stancy hates her and she’s been pretty crazy lately. i don’t really understand what she’s going through but she could probably at least consider what she’s putting the family though. honestly. she makes up stories about everyone all the time.

it’s not really a precedent that is being set by the terri shiavo case other than a precedent of the media caring a little about what happens. this kind of thing happens a lot. the issue is that terri shiavo said that she does not want to be kept on life support and her husband has the right to make the decision for her, serving with power of attorney when she is in a vegetative state. her husband simply chose to go against her wishes for a while and her parents don’t want to honor her wish. but we allow people to choose whether or not their spouses will be kept on life support all the time and this is really no different than that at all except that she had made a statement that she did not want to live like that before she became bulimic and put herself in a coma and her husband chose not to honor her statement until like halfway through the coma.

further, i think that it shows why euthanasia can be good policies. i don’t think euthanasia should be allowed for anyone. probably i don’t even think this for people with degenerative diseases. roger, steph, joe, steve and i went to see the sea inside which is a movie about ramon sampedro who was a spanish quadrupulegic who fought for his right to die for about 30 years and eventually committed suicide “illegally”. his basic point was that he didn’t want to live but he couldn’t kill himself. and if he could kill himself then he would do it but since he required the help of other people to do it it would be looked at as murder. but he eventually found a way that nothing anyone done would be illegal enough for them to get in any legal trouble. i think its pretty fair analysis especially considering that while suicide is illegal, we don’t punish those who attempt suicide with legal repurcussions. i basically don’t feel that its necessary for me to fight for that “right”. however, in the case of people like terri shiavo, its already legal for the decision to be made to remove her from the machine. so she will no longer have food and die. this means that she is going to starve to death over a period of about seven days. what the fuck? we just DO this to people? whether or not she notices i think it would probably be alright to do it by injection so that she doesn’t feel pain when it happens. and that shouldn’t be viewed as any different than removing the feeding tube. it just seems pretty barbaric that its legal to starve someone but not to euthanize them in the same situation.

ps. she was bulimic right? doesn’t it seem odd then that she dies by perfect anorexia?

i was watching the view today because i used to sometimes like to watch the view when i was younger. i don’t know why now that i think about it though . . . i think i just liked how meredith viera was always such a bitch about switching topics in the first part and today i missed the first part where they do “hot topics” so the show was more ruined than it is just by being the view. . . so anyway they have kierstie allie on first and talk about how she said ten years ago (actually 13, thanks for counting) that she saw herself as being really skinny ten years from then. she also talked about her coke addiction which was mostly amazing. i know too many people that do cocaine and none of them really attempt to deter me from it in any convincing way. alright. continuing. so then they have some royal scientist on the show (like a political scientist but instead of politix its royal drama) and they’re talking about camilla and charles’ upcoming matrimony. fun. and then meredith asks something stupid and pretty obvious: “is camilla really a nice person who has just been maligned by the media?” like what the hell. cos the media cares when people do the meanness work for themselves? and the RS said “no she’s nice.” and barbara walters is like “AUGH I’VE MET HER! SHE’S REALLY FUCKING NICE! AUGH! I’M BARBARA WALTERS! AUGH!” and i remembered immediately what sucks so much about Barbara Walters. Not that I hadn’t noticed in the first 8 seconds of the show itself (her face!) but then later there were a bunch of wives of UN delegates in the crowd and she was speaking to them and she was like “i’d like to introduce to you a lot of women who have probably never had a chance to see the view . . .” right barbara. like you’re sick face doesn’t permeate every fucking tv in every goddamn country. especially the rich diplomats. oi.

matt, i’d like to nominate barbara walters to your wall of shame. twice.

i cut myself last week. this is my first relapse since june 20 of 2003. i’m pretty sure i should not cut myself anymore. first because i wasn’t even sure what i was trying to accomplish. i think it was a hodgepodge of things (cutting for a hodgepodge is an awesome reason). mostly it was that i feel guilty for trying to push steve away. but see i had a long talk with steve on probably wednesday or tuesday of last week about this. and told him exactly how i was trying to push him away and apologized for it and promised that it would stop and it has. but for some reason i think i felt i needed to punish myself for what i was doing. and cutting for me boils down to like about 3 things on a general basis.

i cut to feel real. i blogged on the uncensored portion (that actually is censored for those who have no password because i’m ironic) of my blog last week that i felt like i didn’t have enough control of my emotions to classify as an actual human being. i mean i didn’t actually go so far as to say that but i’ll attest to feeling that way. mostly it comes from my inabillity to control my panic attacks for the year 2005. i don’t know exactly what’s going on. I was thinking about maybe working at the humane shelter again but im not sure that i could at all because of the panic attacks. and i was mostly able to control them when i worked/volunteered there from 2000-2002. but i really don’t think i could anymore. because i’d not be able to supress the fact that there are lots and lots of dogs and cats that are perfectly wonderful and deserving of homes that are put to sleep daily. and frankly, lately doing all i can just doesn’t seem like its enough. i just feel so worthless and miniscule about it. because you can’t really c onvert people from being abusive assholes. but i bet if they went to a humane shelter and realized how psychologically impacted their actions toward animals are then they’d probably stop being fucked up in how they treat them. also, the human impacts of animal abuse are ridiculous. people who beat their animals generally also think its okay to beat humans. and the same goes for torture which is why animal abuse should be a felony. it gives us the opportunity to stop violent crimes that are basically guaranteed to occur in the future from an anthropocentric perspective. and i hate it that people don’t take any of this into perspective and these poor dogs and cats have to deal with this fear of human beings combined with this ridiculous loyalty toward them and a dependency on them. we basically systematically execute these animals without any real reason other than society can’t handle the burden. alright. tangent aside, i basically felt last week like i didn’t have the ability to maintain normalcy.

i cut to punish myself. again the feeling guilty about the stuff that steve and i talked about. it seems pretty patterned that i reach certain points in relationships that mean a lot to me. the first is when i realize i love someone and have to express it verbally. then there is this phase where i try to do everything in my power to destroy that love. then i reach the second point where i realize that there’s nothing i can do to protect myself from being hurt by or potentially hurting the other person and further i’m probably going to benefit more from the relationship than i will feel shitty about a possible breakup that may not even occur for a really long time unless i provoke it. this causes the conclusion that i should probably have not been a psychotic bitch and tried to push the person away for the better portion of a month. both prior to the falling in love and then again prior to the allowing the love to occur. dammit jess. just let things be! anyway. so i felt bad about this and i think that its at least part of the reason i did it. and probably the bulk of it. which is pretty stupid because i could’ve just talked to steve.

i cut to relieve emotional pain. let’s face it i was beyond sad and pissed off that i couldn’t go to NFA and this was probably the immediate emotional trigger for such an irrational action. i mostly just felt like there was some reason that had to do directly with me about my not being chosen for NFA. and i don’t think its really true anymore and i’m not even that upset about it anymore. i mostly just feel all “AUGH!” about the whole thing.

so i guess i do know why i cut. and i’m not really up for guaranteeing i won’t do it again. i guess. i mean i can pretty much say that i probably won’t. but i think it at least kind of worked. that’s a lie. i think i thought i grew out of it and i guess sometimes i still have to be really young and stupid about shit. but whatever. i’m going to work on restabilizing my emotional disorders. i’m probably going to benefit immensly from moving in with jotto. so let’s all look forward to that. hooray.

last night was pretty much the craziest night ever. and there isn’t even really much explanation for this being true either. you can see my early-morning entry (just after 4 am) for proof of how intoxicated i got. the weird thing is that i didn’t even plan on drinking last night when i was planning the night. steve and i hung out when i got off work at 11 and then we were both hungry at midnight so we decided to go to ihop. he was in the bathroom before we left and i looked at my cellphone and saw i had a message from jotto that she was with ryan at jack blaze’s house and they had nothing to do so i called jotto and ryan answered and i said we were going to ihop and they were meeting us there and ryan just said “alright.” so we head off to ihop. pretty soon brandon showed up and right after that jackie, ryan, and jotto were there. so we hung out and made fun of brandon a lot for being really add.

steve had to work at 11:20 today so i took him home at about 2 then met everyone else at jackies where we tried to figure out where we could drink. i figured jarred would provide a good environment for that and i hadn’t seen the boy in a long time and he did. i ended up getting sloshed on whiskey. and i dont’ think i’d ever been drunk on whiskey before but it was a pretty awesome time. its not like vodka where i just want to get on anyone or anything. or like capt morgan or gin where i just feel nice and drunk. anyway, i liked it. so look for more of that to come.

i, as the only one who was drinking and the only one with a car, was driven home by jotto and brandon at about 4 and then went to my room but i was having to much fun being drunk to hang out alone so i talked to jarod online and was like “im drunk” “we should hang out” “come pick me up at the dorms.” and he did. so i spent the night on his couch. cos i mostly just said really ridiculous things and told lots of weird stories and coughed at his house. i also fell asleep in the middle of a cough drop. that sucked. but i didn’t. cos i woke up with this mentholly dry spot in my mouth. oi. it was an interesting night to say the least.

the title sounds like slut testicle.

i drank whiskey tonight.

it kinda feels like a slushy inside my brain.

i figured out my dog had a website. please visit http://mexicojones.com/ you’ll enjoy it a lot.

i did not know about my dogs affinity for mr. t but now that i do i’ll probably feed the dog a lot more peanut butter, nudge nudge, wink wink.

i’m moving in with jotto. but she’s not a lesbian.

yet.