Category: Journal

last week was too stressful. so i took a renewal weekend. but let’s work out the stressful part first. i think i’d be at least relatively better feeling if i did that. first there was tons of drama on the personal life front. i don’t really know what it was about but for some reason last week just felt like a good week to not get along with anyone. then, the elections occured. although the elections around here mostly went D. the local ones. national went waaaaay R. which is so unfortunate. but you know, it happens. and i think that there is very little that our government does that is not undoable so i don’t worry about it too much. just prepare for protests against the patriot act II. if it happens. for that matter i should be protesting patriot act I. still. i don’t know. i’ve came around about the election a lot. i woke up wednesday a libertarian. although i’ve talked myself back to mostly lefty. w00t. go jess.

now, on top of all of this election madness, i worked 17 hours. went to class for 16 hours (woops slept through french class make that 15) and had a test monday a speech due tuesday (that i did thursday but turned in on time) a book review due thursday and a paper due friday (that got pushed back to monday but nonetheless got worked on a lot over the week). so i was wee bit stressed out about all of that. thus i deducted that this weekend was the end of all of the shit and i’d just wade it out until friday at noon.

so friday at noon i went and worked through my social problems (muchos better) and then i went out for lunch at chilis and had veg fajitas that they tried to sneak meat into (those bastards!) and we made fun of our waitress cos she wasn’t nice to us until she brought the tip. what a fuck. then i took a short nap before heading to lawrence.

in lawrence, i picked amelia up at Lewis then we went to dinner at chipotles where i didn’t eat but i did have lots of lemon water (cutting back on the soda). it was yummy. and she finished her burrito. which is impressive. but its light rice so the girl was totally cheating. we went out last weekend too (did i blog about that? no.) it’s been really nice hanging out with her again. we really did have an awesome friendship till we let ourselves get in the way of it. so i’m glad that everything is all worked out now and we can just be friends the way we’re supposed to be. because it really is so much better this way. and i have a really great time with her.

post-chipotle it was off to see I Heart Huckabees with J. that movie rocked my world. it was no Garden State, mind you, but it was really fuckin good. and all of the existentialism in it was amazing as well. plus an amazing cast equals good movie. i love jason schwarzman to bits. i’d totally try to make babies with him.

j and i walked back to his car and then i wandered alone on mass (at like 9pm) i ended up in the dusty bookshelf where i bought the book Lost In Translation because i’ve been meaning to buy/read it and it was like 5 dollars which is cheap in comparison to list price. hrm. it was a grand adventure. and i had portishead to listen to the same time which made it soo much more cool. i really really love that album (Dummy). fun stuff. so i wandered back to my car and went to tutus where i crashed until he got home then we talked to his date and watched some dawn of the dead before going to sleep for the night.

somehow, amelia managed to suck me into judging ottawa so i did that this morning and then i went out with lacey and had yummy thai food and a great rewnewing experience. in gap, no less. i was standing there and realized that there was absolutely nothing that i did not want. not to mention there was very little that i have that i wished to keep. i think i’m going to clean out my drawers and try to get rid of some things. and i’d like to turn some old jeans into a skirt. cos thats way too much fun not to do. you know? of course.

the drive home from lawrence was exceptionally beautiful with the orange sunset touching everything and making it gold. it was fantastic. i wish i could explain it.

(i keep thinking of all these things i want to show pat when he comes and it makes me glad that i met him because he really made me see kansas for the beauty that its nature possesses).
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he began his conversation definitively.
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this is just me being completely honest. i don’t need anyone to call to make sure i’m alright because i know i’m fine but sometimes i need to write down the things that are true. the things that i leave out.

i was thinking about madeline and realized that i miss having someone around whom i don’t need to speak. she and i had words, yes, but we didn’t have to use them. we could spin around each other in her bed for hours and the only energy we used was to expell our breaths and the words “i love you” because everything seemed like a waste. i’ve never known anyone like that. and the more i find myself misunderstanding the world and having the world misunderstand me the more i miss her. the less i feel like i’ll ever have the energy to build that again even if it is available. i cried over her the other day. i spent all of monday (and the rest of the week) in this complete depression and everyone thinks its because i just got back from washington dc and in so many ways that’s part of it but i felt fine all of monday morning until i checked my messages and one was from her and she was like “hey. this is madeline.” and something sounded different in her voice like she felt she needed to say her name or i wouldn’t know to whom the voice belonged. but i’ll never forget that sound. or the feeling in my ears.

(sit around and listen to albums that contain two songs of which you associate with the same girl who bends your heart again and again but finally broke it yesterday and you’ve been so sick over her that you welcomed the pain of the end because sometimes death is just a relief.)

this weekend will be pretty busy. tomorrow i have class until noon. then i’m going to study for my government test and proof my government paper. then i judge at topeka west then i theoretically see amelia. the next morning its juding at topeka west all day and then i work at 5:30. where i will be finishing up the studying for my government paper. then i outline my speech and do my book review. wtf. mate. busy weekend. but if i get it all done then i’ll be sooo happy.

it turns out that amelia is now dating this girl sarah. i don’t know how i feel about it. its not like amelia and i were ever serious or even at the point where you could call it dating but i’m a little hurt. to be honest. maybe this is a good thing. cos i think i needed her to do something that i could hold against her. so i’m feeling alright. and i’m pretty sure we’re still going out for coffee tomorrow. cos we were doing that just as friends and so we can still do things just as friends.. right? yes. exactly.

i guess that’s it. there’s so much i want to blog about just on life in general. but i’ll get to that when i get done with all of this shit that i have to do. fuck.
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smash static: on the bright side: if they win now it means that they just sucked for the past 86 years

i got into a fight today. there were no punches thrown.
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i kind of feel like the category for this one should be political opinions but it began as journal. so i guess we’ll just keep it that way.

i’m in government and we ere looking at this “portrait of the elections” that talks about what percentage of men and women vote etc. so anyway. freeman was like “now it puts over the words male and female the word ‘sex’ and we all know that sex is something you do.. so maybe we’ll just call it gender.” and that got me off of livejournal and into the conversation. so i say “no. sex refers to the physical aspects of what a person is born. purely the anatomical parts that the body possesses and gender is what you consider yourself. so it would be nearly impossible to categorize gender. which is why they use sex in statitistics.” and everyone laughed. but he was like “okay then. we’ll use sex.” me: “thank you.” it kind of creeps me out that i answered thank you to my prof saying we’ll use sex. but nonetheless i’m glad that i granted knowledge to the class people and that i got my way. even if i am fairly sure it was just an avenue of appeasement.

“When people my age got married we got married for all the traditional reasons, but we, we didn’t know any better.” (is someone’s government prof bitter about his divorce?)

RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN! RED SOX WIN!

how easy do you think it would be to turn my old Nomar voodoo doll into an Martinez voodoo doll? (and then revert it back when the yankees get pedro next year)

i’m in washington dc. and i’m in mourning for the yankees. what the fuck. who is up 3-0 and loses the ALCS to the motherfucking red sox? i mean. christ. who DOES that? the yankees definitely should not have done that. i’m still pretty much in shock about the whole ordeal really. i mean i understand that some days the yankees have to lose by why 4 days in a row. and why to the red sox. and just why. the yankees should be in the world series tonight instead of the damn red sox and the cardinals. what the fuck? at least i could’ve cheered for the ‘stros. but i can’t cheer for the cards. except i really have no choice. fuckers.

other than the loss washington dc has been great. i got to see erik a few nights and that was a lot of fun. his parents are in town now for parents weekend though so i don’t really get to hang out with him for the rest of the weekend except for maybe before i leave on sunday. i’m not sure how that’s going to work out though. he’s a cool kid.

the death cab for cutie show is tonight and i’m still not sure if i’m going. i lost my purse (it got returned though, but like after i was at the airport) so i don’t really have much by way of id. i mean my student id which means that i can fly but i don’t have any other id. so that’s lame. and my creditcard/checkcard was in there and i think i need that to willcall my tickets. i don’t really know. so i’m going to see what i can do and if it works out then i’m going to the show and if it doesn’t work out then i’m not going to the show. i’m really happy that its so late because that means i keep the rest of my day/evening.

i went to the holocaust museum on thursday. and the natural history museum. the holocaust museum is so powerful though. its just absolutely insane. i can’t really put it into words. they have a “Deadly Medicine” exhbit about all the eugencis shit the nazis did and it was really terrifying. like that’s probably the most unsettling thing there. but there was this woman there with her children and she was explaining to them why it was so bad that the nazis did the eugenics experiments and tried to create a master race. that was so cool. i think the world would be so much better off if parents would eloquently explain the failures in our history.

the dinosaurs were a nice break from depressing things.

yesterday i went to RAINN to talk about a campus project for washburn. i’m so excited about it now. i have a list of speakers i want to try to bring to campus and a bunch of awesome outreach ideas. probablyf or april but theres no reason we can’t start planning now. its just amazingness.
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