Category: Journal

i took first place at the kansas state debate tournament this weekend. it seriously fucking rocks. like i have no other way to describe how it feels but that its like the best, most gratified, i have felt in a truly long time. we had lots of great rounds with lots of clash and we had a grand time. what a way to go out you know? its just sad though cos i had such a kickass time debating all weekend and i just love doing it and now i don’t get to debate in high school anymore. :/ the only downside is that there was confusion about one of the ballots so they announced us as second and we were really happy and everything and then katie was reading about why we lost and said that one of the ballots that went NEG looked like it should’ve gone AFF so they talked to McComas and she said that it looked that way so then they talked to curtis (the judge) and he was like “oh yah i meant to write AFF” so we got to take first but we took the trophy and medals back from megan and zach and i love those kids to pieces. they’re both reggae-fantastic so i feel shitty that they didn’t get to have it. but oh well. 2nd in state isn’t bad at all. and this is great for mckeithan. he’s like a little girl about it. haha. “it feels so good to win.” and oh-fuck-yah it does.

i’m dedicated the win to michelle. because i think it should be partially hers too you know. like she should’ve been there competing and hanging out with us at the party. it was really bittersweet cos we were celebrating tjs birthday and after we won and its like theres just this empty chair at the table. there should’ve been 12 of us not 11. or 13 if that other boy hadn’t have left. i love the jeff west kids so much and michelle was such an amazing girl. it was awkward sometimes cos you could just feel the missing space.

i got some scholarship/admittance stuff from Creighton! i got an 8000 dollar scholarship for academics and a grand for leadership. so now i need to get on writing all of my scholarship stuff for local ones and i qualified for a 3/4 tuition scholarship from creighton but there’s a big application that i need to get filled out. and if i get that then i can go there. i’m so incredibly excited. like seriously. i cried i was so happy 🙂

everything about existing feels nice right now.

i read an essay on “What the Bible really says about Homosexuality” and now i don’t feel so hated by God. which is nice. I always figured God didn’t hate me (or everything he created about me) and so now that I have some biblical analysis to back me up i feel a lot better and i can actually pray as a child of God instead of one of his cast assides. hooray for that.

there’s this new bitch in the hood and she’s like whoa. go give riotmb some love.

also, i got pix of andy and i’m not sure that i’ve blogged about them yet but he’s all kinds of cute. i showed them to erin and she thinks “he’s very british looking” how hardcore is that. anyway. i don’t have much new news other than that.

oh and that i went to tworedlines which is an anti-abortion site that i found quite informative. but i’m still prochoice.

well today i got scholarship money offerings from ku and so i think i’m going to kstate or creighton now. i’m glad ku really narrowed it down for me. pah. i’m still holding out for creighton though. i’m probably going to go ahead and apply for housing at kstate this week though. i’m going to apply to the schol hall i think. cos that could be lots of fun even though i hate girls. mostly.

i got the new ani cd. ohgodireallywannabangher. its really fantastic and the music is good and different and the lyrics are amazing. theres this one poem that’s the best. maybe next layout should be ani instead of the smashing pumpkins. hm. heart.

i got a putnam from ksu yesterday. 4500 renewable.

i’m sitting in clipper ideas and we’re discussing our next layout which will be valentines. its a major compromise on the part of josh and i. i feel better than yesterday although today is one of the worse days i’ve had in a really long time. first i woke up late and didn’t get to school in time for my nhs meeting.. i was about ten minutes late because although i only left like 5 minutes after i should have, i dropped my purse in the parkinglot and everything spilled out of it. after that i went in to the meeting and things went okay, i’m chairing the food and beverages committee for nhs’s 12 hour cleanup this year. second hour i came close to getting my oo done and that was good… but in 4th hour i had cramps that were so fucking bad i couldn’t pay attention to anything… then i started my period (in the middle of the day, what the fuck. i haven’t done that since like august of junior year. cah.) during lunch my day got much better when i realized that i am not in physics. that is the best news of my whole life… i hated chem sooo much.

i also posted some new prose and poetry for those of you that are interested in that sort of thing.

i’m horribly depressed right now and i’m not sure why. i just have this overwhelming feeling that everything from now on is going to suck and its not worth it and i should just curl up and die somewhere so that it will all be over. nothing feels beautiful today and its like i can’t even figure out what’s going on with myself to get through this. what the fuck is wrong with me? i feel like no one will ever understand how i think. and i hate that. its all so clear to me and i explain it and people still don’t understand. i feel like an alien or some sort of mutant about it all. its like everyones a moron and i can’t do anything to fix it. i don’t necessarily think people should think like me: i mean, i love josh to bits and he doesn’t think just like me, but i know that he’s fairly educated in what he believes. i feel like everyone else, even a lot of people i’m really close to just don’t examine whats going on in the world before they make a decision that they then get really defensive about. i have a really hard time figuring out how people can come to some of the opinions that they do and then be so stubborn in changing them. it seems that anymore the christian right is all about conservativism and not what the model of christ was. do you honestly believe that christ would not have been compassionate enough to understand the value of programs like welfare? i just don’t understand. and for that matter sometimes i think that the god that everyone tries to push on me is not a god that i would want to worship and i read the bible and i see someone/something entirely different than what people cram down my throat. its the reason i had to stop going to church in the first place because i get so disenchanted with what organized religion has become that i can’t handle religion period. where is god? someone show me.

i quit drinking soda last night. AUGH!

i took today off from school to work on scholarships. i’m fairly excited about getting them all done. of course, devon had to go and get sick last night and stay home too. which really sucks because i kind of wanted him not here so that i could get things done and thats why i didn’t just do it over the weekend like i probably could have. oh well. he’s in bed and mostly asleep for the whole day so i don’t have to worry about him getting obnoxious.

i slept from 8:30 last night till about 8 this morning. it felt really incredibly good. i need to make a habit of sleeping regularly. otherwise i get tired/grouchy. my apologies to all who called and got their calls unanswered because i was asleep but it felt soooo nice to just sleep like that.

i want a new layout for this site. i’m already tired of this one.. i’m thinking about some smashing pumpkins lyrics and a hot girl.

two new hostees have moved in! go visit perplexed and doomed if you have the time. you’ll be happy with both. i have to add them to the hostee links soon though.. cos doomed still has a coming soon star and perplexed isn’t on the list yet. so i’ll get that taken care of and i need to add bloq as well.

i hung out with stephanie yesterday! it was a lot of fun. we went to the mall :-/ ugh and returned some stuff and looked unsuccessfully for a hat/scar/gloves combo for mah-self. oh well though. i found a really cute dress at hot topic that i want really badly and i’m thinking about going out and buying it and then wearing it constantly in the summer. hm. it would be fabulous. i also bought a new fishnet hoodie that’s hella-cute.

after hanging out with steph, i went over to jarod’s and we finished watching 8mm (as the boy got sick last time we watched it.. silly) it was an alright movie. the acting was pretty good but the script was terribly unbelievable and i was really goofy when we watched it (hellifiknowwhy). jarod said in an announcer voice “nicolas cage” a lot and that was entertaining and i kept asking how many people still had to die. pish. it really wasn’t that great of a movie but it wasn’t that bad either so i suppose its okay. sometimes i think It could happen to you ruined nicolas cage’s ability for me to perceive him as a serious actor. it wasn’t a bad movie though. jarod and i spent the rest of my time there listening to pink floyd. ::cough:: yay.

when i got home we discovered and absess on lucky’s foot and i had to rush him into the vet at midnight. i hope he’s all right. he has surgery to lance/drain it today and then we’ll just have to keep him from chewing on it which will be incredibly difficult as he always chews on his paws.

i have some kstate thing to go to tonight at the pitmans. i think its like a “come join our cult” meeting but maybe they’ll have dinner or at least appetizers and then i can convince mommy that we need to get food.

my cousin had her baby friday night or saturday morning. its name is isabella and she’s supposed to send pictures which will be all kinds of nice cos i’m sure its pretty cute. and i like babies in pictures. 🙂 but nowhere else.

i have so much to do. it really sucks. i have like 7 scholarship apps due by feb1 and i have a few projects for class and i need to come up with an idea and an introduction for a paper for chamberlain plus a calc assignment and government reading. i don’t know how they expect us to have time to do anything this semester. i barely have time to sleep. and i don’t know if i’m going to have any time to do anything with anyone because i’m so busy.

at least we have a 24 pack of coke so i can keep myself well drank during the weekend. and did i mention i need an oration and an extemp file and i want to start practicing extemp a lot. but oh well. i’ll get over all of it and get everything done and everything will be okay. i just hate being so busy. i wish i had time to do things.