Category: Journal

everyone should go to robot-trouble.com because those kids, esp. casey rule and you can download the song robot trouble by barcelona (in the you>MP3’s section). its a whole lot of fun.

after uploading the new clamor layout (or during, i dont remember) it was brought to my attention that certain things on this site (ie my nav menu) and one of the hostees, perplexed, was not showing up at all. i investigated and it turned out that there was a problem with the webcounter i have running and it was taking up all of my space so i didn’t have any space to actually use. i troubleshooted for a long time before i figured this out though and then i realized that that was the problem and everything is fixed now. in the process of my fixing thing, i took my hostee doomed down. she has since been returned to her location but i just thought i’d put out a notice that that is why it was gone. if anyone is experiencing any problems contact me via the comments box. other good news: everyone has backed up websites as of today in case anything crashes.

i feel kind of shitty today. i don’t know whats wrong with me. i’m just really groggy and don’t feel like doinga nything. i think maybe i just need a shower or a nap or something but i’m not sure. i just feel gross..

i put up a new layout at clamor and have one ready for this site. so hopefully it’ll be done soon.

i’m reading madame bovary by gustave flaubert for english and i like it now at least a little. before i hated it. so hopefully it will keep seeming better.

i went into finals for fx ranked 2nd today and came out 5th. i don’t know what the fuck went on there. i think i need a good quote book and more effective hand gestures. i’ll fix the problem real quick. dammit. it fucking sucks like hardcore though. i hate not doing well. even if 5th is well. cos i thought the speech was good. i was just kinda stuttery. i need to get back in the swing of things.

there’s a new layout coming soon. i’m hella excited about it. its of course completely not coded yet, but whathefuck i’ll do that. so do not worry about it. i’m all kinds of tired and slightly nervous about the first tournament of the forensics season tomorrow but i’ll make it through and do all right and then i’ll get all of my new-to-file stuff filed. i’ve been way too busy lately. and i need stamps. does anyone have any stamps?

i got all of my errands done today and that was good. and i’m down to like 0.5-2.5 minues left on my oration until its to time. depending on how much “to time” i wish to take it. shrug. less = more.

i turned in the walmart scholarship application and ate some yellow sub.. their bread is amazing. like whoa. and i hung out with jarred for a while and jarod for a while also. pish. too many of those boys. we had a nice time. i’m glad it was a half day of school today.

i really want a new layout. i don’t know when i’ll have time to do one though :-/ hopefully soon.

poor jarod got to experience who jess really was today when accompanying yours truly to the library. we played in the non fiction and we discovered the new books as well as clickity-clacking the typewriters. we also ran into people who had tried to date us at one time, unfortunately he was not there to protect me from the boy i saw. but that was not his fault. he was just being respectful of my “space.” and space is where its at. i seem to take up a lot of it lately (and we don’t have much room .. to live).

aside from the library my day has been incredibly eventful. first block, i discovered a granola bar in my box and while it has been frozen for a few days (in my car) it was still yummy and chewy so i ate it. then i had the distinct feeling that there was oatmeal stuck between my teeth and my tongue just couldn’t work it out. thus. i checked a mirror. and realized that i didn’t have part of my front tooth, making my oatmeal theory obsolete but obviously prooving what the weird sensation in my mouth was. by second block, i was at the dentist getting it fixed and remembering why i hate the dentist/making fun of myself for being such a baby about it. by third block, i was back in class. how fun.

i have to write essays for scholarships now. (aurhg!)

i wrote a poem about it.

i just typed up my essay for one of the college scholarships i have to finish. i was about michelle. and the state debate tournamenet. it makes me very very sad still. i guess death does that. but i’m all crying/shaking now and that isn’t much fun. pish. i feel guilty about winning state. like the whole tournament was for her. that was my personal motto/mantra and the same went for the jeff west squad. its just that i feel like why should i win the tournament and she doesn’t even get to be alive to go. its horrible to deal with.. i have to keep reminding myself that she doesn’t have to hurt anymore. and to have her here still just so i didn’t have to hurt like this would be selfish. it’s still so hard though. i miss her a lot.

i had a relatively bad day.. i was mostly just sad an unsociable for most of it. i think it happened when we were talking about love in english and i was kind of cornered about talking about my mom and this summer and that wasn’t very coool. but they didn’t mean to corner me so it was alright but still i was hella-uncomfortable and then i felt bad about what little i did say cos i couldn’t fix it all without telling it all. and i really didn’t want to tell it all. so anyway. that happened. and then i made a bad catholic joke that really shocked me and i’m not sure where it came from cos usually i try to not bash religion but i said it and then i felt just horrible and really wanted to fuck off. so that’s what i did for the rest of the day. less porn-talks with brian in seminar.. i just read all day cos when i wasn’t reading i felt like crying. and even when i was reading i still felt like crying.

i read this book called empress of the world by sara ryan that was pretty mediocre. the story was cute and it was exactly what i wanted to read.. very light lesbian teen fiction but it made me sad about madeline (again, arhg). the writing wasn’t much to talk about. it flowed well and was well written and i’m sure the author could go far with it but it just wasn’t worth a whole lot. it wasn’t annie on my mind. but what fucking is annie on my mind except for that book. nancy garden = my noncelebrity crush.

we had a mock model un (!!) tonight in lawrence that was fun and cheered me up. although i must say that spending an evening with joe and nick is kinda strange. lol. they’re both hella nice guys though and we really get along which is all that i really need in a relationship of any sort. nick’s really catholic and they’re both really liberal (silly boys) i don’t know. i had a good time. joe’s a really nice guy. i’m glad i’ve gotten to know him through model un. ah. sigh.

i have to write an essay on what love is to me. we just read one today by fromm and it was pretty good but i disagreed with some of it. i think he just explained the externalities of love without talking about the emotional implications of love are. i know that if i wrote about love it would be about madeline because she is my example of what that is and its difficult for me to explain what that is. sometimes i don’t know what to do about her/us. she said last night that she wants closure and i realized i’m terrified of that idea. i don’t want to get over her. i want to get uncrazy and be with her again. but everything is so fucked up in my head and how i deal with people. its like i won’t let myself be with her. maybe that’s what love is: love is the hypocritical fascination with a cycle of satisfaction and deprevation experienced and desired only by dreamers and sadists.