i’m reading tess of the d’urbervilles (which is so good in that mushy, i love you sort of way) and crime and punishment. while not the weirdest combination, this has to be up there with it. although its not so bad because at least its virtually impossible for me to get story lines confused. hah.
i’m thinking abut emailed tatyana sometime. i kind of miss her.
x 3m0 cHix0r: hey there
MillaIceIceBaby: hey
x 3m0 cHix0r: howre you?
MillaIceIceBaby: im alright, ive been busy as hell
x 3m0 cHix0r: me too
MillaIceIceBaby: jess… i owe you an apology
x 3m0 cHix0r: why?
MillaIceIceBaby: i havent been a good friend, I was having a tough time in my life, and i let that take priority over other people…. i havent been trying to avoid you, I know it seems that way, but i do care about you, i just have been busy
x 3m0 cHix0r: its okay. i understand. as long as you knew i’d always be here to talk to you about whatever you need to talk about then that’s whats important. i’ve found myself to be distant and unemotional as of late anyway.
MillaIceIceBaby: i know, but it really isnt ok, I know what it feels like to be, kind of ignored and its not good … and i wouldnt want you to feel that way ever
x 3m0 cHix0r: well were you doing it intentionally?
MillaIceIceBaby: no, i just got busy, but it still happened that i didnt try as hard as i should of
x 3m0 cHix0r: well then i understand that. i’m in over my head a lot. especially lately.
MillaIceIceBaby: ok, good, so we are alirght?
x 3m0 cHix0r: yah of course.
x 3m0 cHix0r: i dreamt about emporia the other night.
MillaIceIceBaby: really?
x 3m0 cHix0r: yah there was a forensics tournament or something and anna was there but they like wouldn’t let her inside because she wasnt on the squad or something.. and then she like took over. i don’t really remember the details too well.
MillaIceIceBaby: lol werid
MillaIceIceBaby: well kid im off to do some homework… call me sometime ok?
x 3m0 cHix0r: okay i will. talk to you later.
sometimes i miss her you know. like shes on that list of people i never got that i wanted and i think it really pisses me off that she wanted me so bad and then we kissed and she was just like “arugh. nevermind.” and i know theres something that had to have caused her to be that way and i don’t know what it is and it just makes me sad. but i don’t know what i’m sad about cos i don’t regret giving in. she’s just such a cool girl.
so i picked up a digital camera. its by kodak. cx4310. i can’t wait until it comes in. whee. i don’t get to open it till christmas but i can look at it longingly when its still in the box.
thomas took me out for ribs today and then i got sick. i hate sickness. but i’m better (and at work) now.
i just finished watching my first mister. it has leelee sobieski in it and it was really good. however duncans incorecctly labled it as a comedy. when it was very much a drama. i would’ve rented it no matter what it was but i was still all teary the whole thing because of it. i just bawled and bawled and bawled. oh well. i think it was good for me. i need to cry more.
last night i called madeline back and talked to her for like 45 minutes, but before that i talked to her mom for about 20 minutes and we talked about how madeline is doing and how i’m doing and i cried about it for a while because this so incredibly hard. its just terribly difficult to deal with and i don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. like there’s lacey and stephanie that would talk to me about it and i know that but its like i know that they’d say “well she wasn’t good for you because…” and i don’t want to hear any of that. i just want to ignore it and pretend that all of this can just go away. like itll just magically get better one day or something. but instead i’m just blocking it out, pretending she doesn’t exist. pretending that none of it ever happened—that nothing bad ever happened. in fact, i think last night talking to karen was the first time that i’ve really really cried about it since it happened. i’ve been too busy trying to pretend that everything is just alright for me to get anything really accomplished along the lines of getting over it. or getting anywhere in regards to it. its just really sucky. but it was good to actually talk about it.
happy thanksgiving everyone.
mom bought me a keepsake board a few weeks ago and i affixed all of my medals to it today. now i can look at it and be all vain. except it mostly reminds me of all of my failures. i want a medal that says 1st place on the back of it after this season.
i’m in clipper. i’m done with my stories almost. i’m going to interview the foreign exchange student from thailand next week. its mostly because he’s buddhist although i’m not too sure that he’s anything so we’ll see and hope for the best (whatever that may be). bah. its been a longish day.
math took forever. like f0rever. but i got all of my games done and that was really the mostimportant part. i’m tired of it all. i want to go home and take a nap for a while.. but alas i work from 5:45 until 7:30 and then thomas and i are going out to a movie i think. mostly i’m just hella tired right now.
wasteland by francesca lia block came to my house. i’m so giddy. i think i’ll prolly read it over break if i have time. that’d be great.
now we’re debating if its okay to think its a good thing that the football team lost substate. i was upset that they lost but its not like i’m going to start caring. and they’re getting everyone all pissed off and yelling and i even went off on a “debators get no respect” tangent. i can understand why some of them are mad about what happened (a kid wore a Stillwell #1 shirt to school yesterday). but bah. just get over it. i like football.. and i support the team. but i like cross country and debate and stuff too… dammit.
i just finished reading my government. that is i read to some page number and then quit about 20 pages before the end. bah. it was so pointless. i’m just going to take the damn test tomorrow and then we’ll all be alright. i’m not worried about it. the way i see it.. i’ve been discussing presidential responsibility since i was like born. reading about it puts me to sleep.
also. i managed to get everything done that i needed done. rock. (and i changed my cursors to dinosaurs and they’re so cuddly. i
i put up the new layout and decided that i really like it a whole lot. now i’m watching the southparkathon and waiting for all the coke i’ve had today to quit making me awake. i have so much to do lately. it sucks.
this required a new entry: i qualified to state today. 4-1, 4-1, 2-4, 1-4. Rock rock. even my bad outings with novices counted. this is so hardcore. qualled to state AND schooled some novices. OH! Robert and Gabe got 4-1. i love those boys. i hope they debate again next year.
last night i dreamt that i had been kidnapped in the past and some cousins of mine (that aren’t really my cousins) had a time machine and went back in time to the day before i was kidnapped and had me move in with them so that i couldn’t get kidnapped the next day. anyway. they took me to a church that was really hardcore like it used to be. like so old school that worship was falling down on the sidewalks of the street and crying and speaking in tongues and then they would all go one pair at a time (of one male and one female) to a sanctuary to confess their sins and get forgiveness. my aunt and cousin went in to pray and i was fallen over in the street worshiping and we were in two lines and kind of in bundles and suddenly i was kissing the girl next to me. at first no one noticed because worshiping meant looking at the ground at all times but then this girl across from us looked up and saw us and then everyone just knew and started looking and encouraged us to go get my aunt out of the confessional and that we should go in immediately to abolish our sins and we were just like “this isn’t wrong.” and everyone went back to worshipping.
dreams are weird, yo.
ps. i’m reading crime and punishment (ugh). and pps. there’s a new layout coming soon.
