Category: Journal

i got new tires on BB which was a really good thing. then i had a slight speeding problem for the rest of the day because she drives so well and handles amazingly. its nice.

last night i dreamt i went to emporia with some guy. it was strange. cos i don’t really remember what was going on but i was going to see amelia and she didn’ty know that i was going shrug. i miss her a lot were both so busy anymore that we never get to talk.

lacey’s mac is having an identity crisis: first, it couldn’t find the finder so we took it to blackman who opened it and was like “rawr rawr i’m mr. blackman” and started it and it worked (it always works for him. HE’S A WITCH but its as yet undetermined if he floats or not). then, we brought it back and now it won’t find the server… i told lacey that perhaps she was too far away.. but that doesn’t appear to be fixing it. cos now she’s in front of me and i’m getting a good connection. maybe technology is out to fight her. oh well. we’re writing essays all hour. and i’m not really doing mine. although i formatted it properly and wrote the beginning of the first paragraph and now i’m trying to figure out what’s going on. cos i don’t really have any idea. she finally got it to work. 3rd computer hah. they hate her.

now we’re eating cheerios that are totally delicious. i love them. although we feel like horses (she does) and i feel like a troll because of how we eat them. mm.. i want to go home.

actually, i need to go home. i haven’t taken my medicine in a long time. because i’m horrible about remembering it. and i feel sooo much better when i’m on it.. i don’t know why i’m not. anyway. i’m at the point in not taking them where i’m just horribly depressed all the time and i never want to get out of bed or do anything but just die. all the time. and everytime anyone talks to me i get defensive and then i start crying so i get angry and then i just want to be at home. that’s all. mostly i want to cry. a lot .

i got an 87 on my last government test (cries. lacey said something along the lines of “ah jess…” and i got defensive, started crying (inside), then got angry and i think i got over it this morning. belh. who knows. anyway. i’m happy with the grade. i have a 92 percent in the class and ithink that’s at least a start… i got an A on my pronoun test in AP English though. and a 100 percent on my ap calc test. rock on.

tiffany just said fuck. that was so cool.

i went to church again today. it wasn’t as big of an ordeal as it was last weekend. i’m mostly just tired tonight (after 9 accounted for hours) and i have clipper layout tomorrow night so that means i’ve gotta do all of the sleeping tonight. rox0r.

okay. i had a weird dream last night that i’m going to go ahead and write down what i remember about it. i was hanging out with ***, this girl i know. and we were walking around my house and mom didn’t know that she and i were together but we were (apparently) and we kinda held hands when we were walking in the halls and stuff and then we were in mom and dad’s bedroom sitting on the bed and just talking and all of a sudden i kissed her. it was short and close-mouthed but it was really weird. cos she’s not anyone i ever have or ever will have feelings for (straight girl) but i really don’t know what it was all about. i think that it was because she’s kinda someone i’ve just recently gotten close to and she’s like an example to me. maybe i kind of want to be like her, though not really. also i’m pretty sure she fits into a good example of other relationship storylines i’ve been dealing with lately. i guess i understand it more now but it was still really weird.

i thought about it today in english when we were talking about dreams and what they mean. i thought about that dream right away because it obviously didn’t just mean whatever like some dreams too.. it had symbolic representation in my life. but then i thought about all of the dreams i’ve had about clayton (lets just group them all together…argh) and i realized that maybe i just thought that because he was the one that always held me in my dreams that he would be the best person to hold me in real life. (big epiphany. right there in english) but then i realized that that probably isn’t true. because the truth is that i don’t usually have dreams that just mean nothing. they’re usually big and weighed by whats on my mind. while it should be said that i don’t usually have 5 dreams in a row about the same person.. i think that there were things that were on my mind at that time and stuff. like i just want someone to be there. but i also (post the girly-girl comment and analyzing what he said and how he was right about a lot of things) i came to the conclusion that person isn’t going to be him. instead, i should just realize what i do have with him .. he’s a great guy, a great friend, and he’s one of the few males in my life (erik’s one too) that i can talk to about my relationships and feel like he provides some insight into what the other person might be thinking. so that’s what i want right now. even if it took a chamberlain discussion for me to finally get it.. i’ve got it now. (what i got was why it didn’t upset me as much as i thought it might)

laci went to her new home today. i was really sad about it. i cried a lot and just held levi. levi seemed to be okay but i wasn’t. other than that my day was pretty good. i have a new clamor layout almost ready to go. its scooby doo.

i’ve felt shitty all day. like i just want to cry. in fact, i spent most of second hour (debate) in tears. mckeithan was nice about it though. it wasn’t his fault i’m just so frustrated and i’ve been bottling it up all season. i actually WANT forensics to start. i just hate it feeling so helpless all the time. my BESt records are 2-3 and 1-4 right now. (fvck).

i got home to find out that ku doesn’t have my transcript yet which turned out to be okay because scholarship deadline isn’t until february 15 which is good because if i didn’t get that in and didn’t get any scholarships and didn’t get any money then i wouldn’t get to go to ku. not that i know where the hell i wanna go anyway.. right now i just want to live to see next week. (or the weekend, which should be good.)

i hate how manicdepressive i can be. i really really need to take my medication and be good about doing it. that’s my november resolution. cos i can go alright for a few weeks without it and then i’m all moodswings and headaches, dizzy spells and etc. it bites. yesterday i was manic to the point that i couldn’t sleep and then the anxiety took over and then i was sad and then i woke up this morning sad and i’ve been sad all day. riley gave me some chocolate though and that cheered me up. rock the fuck on. i got coke from mcdonalds too.. and told robert that i love him through the mcdonalds drive through window.. hahahahah. today he said something exactly like my brother would say and i thought it was funny because they are sooo alike. its creepy.

on the bright side, i got my calc done almost completely (less #53) in class today, i have my stories completely finished and layout isnt even until a few weeks from now, and uher. oh yah, its beautiful outside. all rain and clouds and sky and fall trees. maybe i’ll webcam it. its just so. polaroid.

this is too weird.

i spent the weekend debating or with thomas. proved to be bad and good. on the way to emporia i talked to kandy about everything and she mostly made fun of me and made me turn red a lot, but in that good way. hah. anyway. we just talked a lot and then on the way back i wanted to get to topeka fast and we didn’t get here till like 8:30 so i went to thomas’s house and we watched rushmore which is such a hilarious movie. i love it to bits.

i got home kinda late.. a little after curfew cos mom wouldn’t answer the phone and i needed to pick up devon but i didn’t know where he was or if i really needed to pick him up so then i just came home & went to sleep. i woke up at 5:30 or so for the tournament and went to the school and then the tournament (long drive) and ended up 0-5 for the weekend. i hated it. nothing has upset me more than that and until rafferty, or all people, said something that was relayed to me and cheered me up i really just wanted to hide and cry because if feel like such a failure and i hve to just keep telling myself i don’t suck but i’m so terrified that its me that’s bad. i don’t know. maybe it is. i was just so.. :'( and i still am when i really think about it.

after the tournament we had steak with bill and went hot-tubbing which was fun except i think i was more cooked than the steak and it meant that i had to sleep on wet hair (= wet pillows) that night. i was SO tired i was incoherent by the time i was laying down. i had a good time, the steak was yummiful and bill was fun. it just sucks that i have a curfew thats like 11:30. oh well. next year = no curfew at all and i can handle waiting.

this morning i went to church, which is a whole seperate entry i think but i’m going to put it in this one just because its the weekend story entry. so i went to church with thomas and for the most part didn’t suffer from any huge “oh gosh i don’t fit in here” moments.. the only thing that was weird was communion. because i kind of have a tradition of not taking communion because i just don’t think i should until i know where my place in the whole “god” thing is. and i don’t know what that is right now so trying to force myself to fit into it or to “taint” the system by participating in a ritual like that would be fairly hypocritical and i just don’t think that i’m where i should be in my life to take part in communion. so that was alright. although i freaked out before communion. that whole “what am i going to do, should i take it? i wouldnt’ take it in a catholic church.. why would i take it here? i just don’t know. what if i have to what if people look at me funny what if what if what if” and then when it came around i just didn’t and no one really seemed to look at me funny but i still thought that perhaps i should have justified myself. i guess as long as i’m comfortable and sure of what/why i didn’t take it then its okay that i didn’t. and i don’t feel bad about not taking it and i think i would feel bad or at least weird if i did.

after church we went to lunch which was yummy (although i was forced to drink pepsi. blechkhjf.)

post-lunch/church i went to a meeting for youth court plea bargains and was an hour early so i went to pts and had some cappuccino, yummy. the meeting itself took like 20 minutes which was nice cos i got to get devon and get home. yay for home!

i’ve been here ever since. i told madeline about thomas tonight. and then i’ve been listening to old mp3s and being sad mostly kind of. because its just hard. and i care about her so much and i love her so much but i just don’t think us being together is going to work right now. i resent her for making me promise to stay and then leaving. and i think i would hold it all against her for a while. and a few weeks ago when i told her i wanted to work things out and she said that she didn’t think that we could i gave up.

i think i’ve been pretty bipolar this weekend. in the teenager, not the mental disorder, way.

(and add too!) i heard from baker. that rox0r3d. i got a new s/n too. x 3m0 ch1x0r so im me there from now on (aim). i like it cos 1337 is sooo funny.

happy halloween. my girly-girl costume is flawless. yay for it. it’s very VERRRRRRRY scary. emporia tonight. i’m going to win.

i’m writing math papers at the library now. lets have a show of hands for who thinks this sucks. ::raises both hands:: okay. now that that’s settled. instead of actually researching (which i’ll get too) i just fixed some templates on the site. apparently i hadn’t redone the comments template (silly me)..

we got 46 points out of 70 something possible in the team test. go us. i’m in the esu student union right now stealing free internet. but its not like anyone cares. i ate like 6 buffalo wings. those are so good. even though i don’t really understand them. i mean. is it a small chicken? is it part of a part of a chicken. how do they do that? its yummy though and thats what matters. this shall forever be remembered as jess’s is tuna chicken moment. maybe its just a jessica thing.

for halloween i’m totally going to be a girly girl. i can’t wait. (except i can) i’m going to wear makeup and a skirt (AND SHAVE MY LEGS!) with that shirt. and heels. with panty hose maybe. ::hisses:: it’ll be the scariest thing ever. thomas talked about being a metrosexual to counteract my girly-girlness it’ll be a good time.

i’m going to run off now. but i thought id actually announce the new layout because i like it a lot. and also. it appears that its only 1024×768 compliant. but people that still use 800×600 are n00bz anyway.

(don’t tell anyone, but i said noob in conversation today. ::goes to bathroom , shoots self::)