Category: Journal

i’ve never seen anyone like a christmas present more than robert liked his. he put on his ninja costume right away and then put on the underwear. that was the scariest thing ever. heaing “look at his package!” is not exactly what i wanted to happen. yikes! it was funny though. he lost one of his ninja death stars by the end of class. ooh! and neiman’s new digital camera came. it was so cool. i really can’t wait to get mine.

i tried to call madeline tonight but she didn’t answer so i think i will try her again tomorrow. i’m just so scared everyone i know is going to die. and that would kill me if she was just gone and i couldn’t talk to her anymore. but i don’t feel like its my place to call cos i said i would do whatever she needed me to do.. i don’t know. i’m just scared about it. cos i care about her so much. and i really think care is more of an epithet than anything else. i’m just sad. she’s meant so much to me in the past and now we’re not speaking.. its hard. its hard to know that if i wanted to pick up the phone to call her i couldn’t. i’m scared she didn’t answer on purpose.

i slept for 13 hours last night. do you have any idea how nice that felt? it was great. and i had some finals that went well today. it was very happy.

i’m getting better about michelle. i’ve still cried every day for the past week but the crying isn’t as violent anymore. mckeithan’s having a dinner for her tomorrow night at jeff west and i’m going to that. i think it’ll make me feel a lot better. it should help to be around other people that are going through it also.

tonight i got to meet my penpal from Youth Council. she was really cute. although she was kind of shy and i get nervous around little kids.. it was still nice to meet her. she lives by thomas. how crazy is that? “its a small world after all… its a small world after all” “stop that! anything but that!” “nooobody knows the trouble i’ve seen… nobody knows my sorrows..” “growl” hehe. lion king = rox0rz.

i know i’ve hurt you but you’ve hurt me too and i need you right now.

madeline called and i talked to her about it. i really think i’m just shocked because i’m not used to death and especially when its someone that’s so young that i knew. i’ve never experienced ANYTHING like this before. but coming home and crying all afternoon felt good. really. and i’m glad that madeline called because i really needed to talk to someone and she is (still and always) one of the few people i can really open up to when i need to. i feel bad that i haven’t talked to her in so long though. its like i’m so busy that i never talk to anyone and i feel bad that she’s on a back burner. but she’s in good company there. cos everything is there for me right now. (overwhelmed much?)

i got a scholarship letter from ksu today … they’re awarding me $3250 for my first year and 1250 for every year after that.. so that’s good news. i just need to pick a major. mwah-hah. mom’s happy about it. i’m still in shock about everything. but its nice to know that i could go to college and not bankrupt myself next year. psh.

i just found out that this girl that i knew died in a car accident yesterday afternoon. she was a debator at jeff west, the other high school mckiethan coaches. i was in french class and jamie and sara said that a girl they worked with was in a car accident and died and that it was tim rassmusson’s girlfriend.. i asked who she was and they said “michelle.. trax..” and i was like “traxler? oh god.” and then i just stood there stunned for a really long time. i don’t know her that well but we travel together to state and stuff and she was going to be going to that in january. and i know that mckeithan knows all of those kids about as well as he knows all of us and so i’m worried about him cos that is an incredibly terrible thing to go through. and its hard for me and i didn’t know her that well. anyway i just started crying in riley’s class as soon as i found about it (well, after the shock wore off) and then i got all of my stuff ready and went to the counselors where i cried for a while and then decided that i should go home. i called dad and told him he just needed to come get me and that i would explain what was wrong when he got there so he came up to the school and i told him what happened on the way home. its all over the news.. which i think is the worst part.. because she’s just “meriden girl age 17 dies..” blah blah and she’s not just a meriden girl.. she was a debator too. and she was really nice. like she’s one of the two jeff west people i actually like to be around and the only one that i could handle being around for more than a few minutes. i don’t know. its just.. so weird. and i think that a lot of the problem is that it makes me mortal. and i feel really guilty. like why should i eat when she can’t and why should i cry when she can’t and why should i smile and why should i do anything. i just want to lie there and hope that its all a bad dream. like maybe i can wake up and it won’t be real. but at the same time i know that it is real and there isn’t anything i can do to change it. its just so.. arhg. i don’t know what to do about it. or about how i feel. i think i might try to call kandy cos she knew her and understands me a little. until then i’m just waiting i guess until i feel better.. but honestly. its just so hard to deal with and i don’t know what to do or what to do with myself and i feel even worse for all of the people at her school that knew her well and trying to deal with that. i really don’t like death. especially when people around me die. i’m not really afraid of my own death but when people i know are dying around me its scary. like it could happen to someone really close to me at any time. i don’t know. and after the dog it feels like everything is dying this week.

meriden teen killed in crash.

i’m going to go cry some more. if someone reads this and would like to call because i really really really need someone to talk to right now.. go ahead.. if you have the number.

i’m mostly done with what i needed to do tonight. i have to write class journals though and those really suck. and levi and sam are slightly at odds right now.. but i think they’ll be okay now that i took their bone and glue stick away from them. crazy dogs… bah.

i actually got a lot accomplished tonight.. i have like the dividers part of my calc notebook to do and i have to finish my novel project but i’m over halfway done.. also i have to finish my biography project but i’m mostly done with that i just need to put the ideas on paper and rehearse a little. i finished my tess poem and my cry the beloved country poem.. so yah i think i did really well tonight. i’m happy. i feel like if i put my mind to something i could get it done.

there is also a new i&p layout.

it came. the digital camera arrived via delivery today and unfortunately i was not home to get it so i have not been able to play with it and now i have to wait until christmas. my whole life could be put on hiatus until i get that camera.

i’m going to start going to bible study with clayton and kyle. when it starts up again after break. i think it might be good for me. the only thing i’m worried about is not having time because i don’t have time for anything but i hear that youth council is disbanding and if that happens then i should have a whole lot more time. and the beginning of a semester is always at least a little easier than the end. bah.

i got An Unfinished Life in the mail yesterday. i’m excited about starting that. maybe i’ll finsih tess of the durbervilles tomorrow so that i can get started reading whatever i want to read. hmph. i’m slightly disappointed in my independent study. but i think i’m taking another next year. probably on writing. i want to work on a short story (or some short stories). i need something to SHOW for myself. bah. i have so much to do.

i started crying in math today. that was kinda not cool. but i wasn’t paying attention to claytons presentation (sorry kiddo) and so i had all of this idle time and i started thinking about stinky and how she used to dance and sleep and she was always so happy when she was awake and i just started crying. i ended up going to the counselor but on the way there mrs. manning talked to me and asked what was wrong and everyone is just so nice and understanding about it. my teachers/counselors are really great. just really really great. all of them.

they put stinky to sleep tonight. its so sad. i mean she didn’t suffer, and that’s really good, and i’m sure its better this way. she couldn’t eat and she could barely walk. she was just so old and sick. i’m still really sad though and i just need someone to hold me, and i always seem to get in unneccessary debates when i’m upset like this. i want someone to tell me it’ll be okay and hold me while i cry. but i don’t like it when people touch me when i cry.

i’m working on a bloggers and readers code of ethics that i’m going to post on the main page of this domain. i’m also considering moving the blog to a seperate website. a subdomain or something. we’ll see what i decide to do later. i’m still unsure.

i started copying for forensics today. that’s the best. and clipper got done by like 8:30. that’s a good thing too. the government test i was worried about i pulled an 84 percent on after the essay. r0ck.

i really want to make my “most beautiful songs ever” and “songs to sleep to” mix tapes. it sounds like it would be a good idea. now if only i had time to just sleep… tsk tsk.

the sats went relatively well. i feel confident as to my performance on them. i can never tell though. i just need to be happy that i found my drivers license so i could actually take them. and tutu spent the night before them so that was fun talking to him and having someone to show up with. peaches and trevor were there too.

my digital camera is shipping finally. as soon as it gets here i’m naming it.. so far my hardware (et al.) is named adara, bb, celeste, dinah, and i need another one. yay for the camera. i’m so elated about the whole ordeal.

i bought three books of nietzche the other day as well as the marx-engels reader. if i’m a communist by the end of next semester i apologize. i really doubt it will work out that way. this will be JUST like vegetarian.

my laptop is currently awol. i don’t know what its problem is but i do believe that it will have to be sent back to hp to get fixed. this sux0rz really really bad. i think i’d be alright (the desktop is working) except that the thing has my essay for chamberlain on it and my second chances are never half as good. suck. that’s all it is.

my mood has been far from stable this week. i’ve mostly just been really tired and in a sort of daze the whole time. i’m not really sure why that is.. just that it’s happened. it really isn’t cool.

case in point, tuesday: tuesday i spent my whole afternoon driving to best buy and wanting to die. i guess i didn’t want to die on the way there but really. i was just like “jess. die.” and that was it. now because i’m generally good at talking myself out of these things (what happens to the people you care about, what about erik, what about madeline, what happens when you’re dead and the college letters keep going to your parents and they have to deal with that, what about your brother, what about your life, what about your future, what about how stupid and immature that is. why are you acting this way?) now on that particular daymy psyche was counteracting with “wtf, shut up.” and that’s not cool but i ended up deciding that i should give it another day or 9 and then talk about it with someone if i haven’t gotten better.

wednesday: i was walking out of the school (well down the west hall) and i talked about our math assignment with mrs. manning and i talked to lacey about the student concert and i had just finished talking to mrs. chamberlain about books and how great they are and then i walked by riley’s room and saw all of our decorations and realized that i have really amazing teachers and that it can really only get better from there.. my life is totally worth living and i think that i really have always known that. sometimes i just forget. i got to the west work room and was like “fuck jess, what if you were gone and didn’t have this.” and realiuzed i should quit being so damned self-centered all the time and think about how i can benefit other people. its hard to not see my impacts you know. its just.. meh. life. it sucks sometimes. but sometimes its really good.

like speeding down the highway at 10 under the speedlimit because i’m so busy trying to decide which of many was the happiest moment of my life to get to the point where i remember to press the gas. that’s something that makes everything worth it.

i visited creighton yesterday. i love it. maybe i’ll write more about that later. right now its just important that i want to go there REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY bad. (tooooooooooootally)