Author: Jess

i privatized the entry that was here. because i don’t think that airing all of my dirty laundry about steve on the internet is a great idea. i just hurt a lot. and i feel like i can’t tell him.
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i’ve been eating a fruit and walnut salad from mcdonalds, though i just discovered that it is, indeed, walnut free because the people at mcdonalds are douchebags and the word walnut may not even exist in spanish so how could they communicate about putting walnuts in my salad when they didn’t speak any languages other than that.

the salad includes dip. And when I say dip I mean only one thing: yogurt. I hate yogurt. The texture is yucky. It looks like old semen. The taste usually leaves something to be desired but it came with the salad and i am peer pressured easily so i’m just like “guess, i’ll try the yogurt” and i do. and its not that bad. despite the fact that it really does look like congealled semen (i freudian slipped that to the name of my old high school ? Seaman, lol!). I realized how easily swayed I was about trying to yogurt and got a little disgusted with myself. But oh well… at least it’s not drugs!

Just loads and loads of antibiotics pumped into the cow that produced the milk that became this yogurt! AUGH! THE BACTERIA ARE DYING IN MY STOMACH! AUGH! Except actually Yogurt is high in acidopholus which replenishes the bacteria in my stomach. So take that antibiotics take that! BAM!

my moods are insane. i need to start sleeping more and trying to have semi-decent dreams during the times when i am or am not awake.

i’m shampooing the carpet and i’m really bad at it. i have zero work ethic on finishing this project. it looks like it’s going to take me about an hour less than predicted.. plus.. i used hard wood cleaner on the carpet for the first 15 minutes or so until i 1) ran out and 2) dad told me it was the wrong stuff. this error was mostly the fault of my mom who is too lazy to do anything for herself so she asked if we had the cleaner and i went to look for it and came out and was like “i’ve got no idea what i’m looking for . . .” and then they were like “it just says Bissel or something..” and I was like “There’s some hoover stuf in there that says floor cleaner” them: ‘yeah that’s it is there enough?” “yeah its unopened.” them “Cool” so i hardwood cleaned the carpet for a while today. moronic. and its all because mom won’t leave her glass of wine long enough to get another one. i swear. all she does is sit when she gets home. and i understand that.. but do you know what she would’ve done if she were here and i had accidently hardwood cleaned the carpet? Flipped out. that’s what she would’ve done. Oi. Luckily she was not home. so that’s good i suppose.

i’m meeting annaleigh to do copies at like 1 today in the comm office. this makes me sorta nervous because i know i’m behind on research for my speeches and i don’t know. i just feel like i don’t have time or initiative to do platforms really this year… but i still want to. in part because i need the money. poland is setting me back a lot and i’m kinda working extra hard on ld because i’m banking on a scholarship increase that will never happen. even though kevin and jim tell me i’m like next on the list to get a scholarship it’s not even close to true. or it could be. but it won’t matter. cos they won’t get to my name on the list. i wish the coaches would be more upfront about money, etc. like “jess we want to keep you around but we’re not really going to give you any more money …” would be a lot better than “you’re next on our list to give more money to” in my individual meeting and “we’re going to give money to tonya and jotto next” in the 1500 group meeting. i mean, honestly. why not just be upfront about it? if i’m young on the squad and you can’t measure my promise by 3 hardly tournaments especially when you don’t let me compete in what i’m probably best at then that’s cool and i won’t plan on a lot of money my sophomore year… but oi. fuck the rest of it. i guess i’m just saying all of this so i’ll expect it when it happens…

tomorrow is steve’s birthday. we had plans for it a few months ago. when we were still together. now we’re doing nothing but i’ll spend the day depressed because its his damn birthday and he doesn’t even want to see me on it. and i cancelled his present… because he wasn’t speaking to me and i don’t have the money to spend. so i guess it doesn’t matter. i think that at least part of the reason why we started to have lots of problems before we went on break was that talk he decided we should ahve about how i don’t contribute financially to the relationship and this was because i made a concious effort to cut back the ammount of money i was spending when i paid the app fee for the poland trip and realized that i didn’t have too much money to go to eastern europe and was freaking out about money and then i kinda felt bad about it that i couldn’t contribute financially to the relationship. and the fact that he noticed it made me really upset about it because there wasn’t a lot i could do.. i couldn’t get another job or anything to be a contributing member to the relationship and i just.. oi. i don’t know. it was hard. and i probably could’ve dealt with this more at the time or tell him or something but he was right. i wasn’t spending any money on him. but it was because i didn’t have it. now i feel bad again. aaaugh.

Steve is speaking to me again and hanging out with me again. this is good because i didn’t really eat when he didn’t. So yeah. My body is trying to get renourished (slightly unsuccessfuly, i add) and so is my ch’i. We went to yoga today as was supposed to be our normal tuesday-thursday plan and exercised. i really like yoga. it just makes me feel a lot better about myself and the world around me and i actually do acheive a feeling of peace. although today i was really restless for the first part of it and coudlnt’ really focus on the breathing or any of the relaxing parts.. instead just being mildly upset that downward dog hurt a lot more than usual or that having my arms float up hurt a lot more than it should of as well. hrm. strange days in the world of yoga. by the end of the hour i’d given into peace and i felt a lot better about things. i like yoga a lot because it reminds me that i have this physical strength that i don’t always pay attention to. like that my bones and stuff will align correctly if i just let them settle that way and that slouching doesn’t have to be the most comfortable way to sit. also, that i can do things in regards to flexibility and strength that i don’t pay attention to. and it all comes from me. you know? just my body moving that way to recognize and focus on the strength. i love it. and it makes me feel stronger emotionally too. because its like i have this well of force inside of me and i can take control of things and moreso that i can get peace away from things that i’m uncomfortable in. its like drunk, but in a much more constructive way.